i carry your heart with me...

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

e.e. cummings

I used to always joke with Rich (in my best Marine Master Gunnery Sergeant voice) that, 'When you turn 50, your ass belongs to me!' Translated it meant: At the age of 50, I would be in charge of his health. I would make sure that he would schedule and actually appear at doctors’ appointments. I know it doesn't sound particularly romantic but what it meant was because of the 12 year age difference between us, I needed and wanted to make sure he is around. It was my way of carrying his heart in mine. With a somewhat chaotic childhood, fear of abandonment is a heavy backpack I still carry around and if I can take steps to know I tried to prevent that kind of loss, in some way it actually lightens the burden knowing I at least tried on my end.

Excuse me while I climb on my soapbox for a moment.

::: clears throat::::

I never understood when guys (or for that matter I know plenty of women) who brag that, 'I NEVER GO TO THE DOCTOR' Like this is a badge of honor. Sorry but I think you should be wearing a dunce cap and attached to said dunce cap a 'kick me, because stupid I am' sign. It’s time to go sit in the corner with your hat and sign, dumbass.* You would never not take in your car if it was making strange noises. If you had a leak in your roof that was going to make your roof cave in and damage your home, you would get it fixed. Why not your body? It's a piece of machinery; it works 24/7 without ever stopping or complaining... unless you are dead. Most people take better care of their cars then their bodies. Go to the damn doctor. It’s not that complicated.

*this excludes people who do not have health insurance

::: off soapbox :::

Anyways... Rich beat me to my threat by 2 1/2 years on Sunday. He went to work out in the afternoon, came home took a shower then a nap and woke up around 6:30 PM feeling achy... he said it felt like he had his teeth pulled and the Novocain was wearing off. He couldn't get comfortable, flinched when I tried to rub his back. Said his temples and his biceps hurt. I asked him if he wanted to go to the ER at first he said no. There was the usual married-a-long-time-shorthand-volley-back-and-forth of...

'Are you sure?'
'I'm fine.'
'You should really go.'
'You need to go.'
'I’m fine’
‘….’   Death stare
‘Okay, I’ll go’

So we got into the car and drove the block to the hospital. Yes, you read that right, only a block. Got him into triage. Not even five minutes later the ER doctor says, 'Your blood pressure and heart rate are fine but your ekg is funny. Have you ever had a heart attack?'
‘Well you are having one.'
‘You're lying'

Yes, Rich thought the nurses and doctor were lying. I did too until I saw seven nurses and techs trailing behind the ER doctor. I know, I actually counted out loud with my finger. One, two, three… Maybe I should have worn the dunce’s cap. I can tell you my first thought when I saw all those people attending to Rich was, ‘Oh shit, this is serious!’

Way to state the obvious, huh?

And that was that.

Also, can I say how glad I am that we didn't walk to the hospital? Could you imagine the guilt?

I heard the hospital call Code Blue on the overhead speakers and within the hour he was in the cath lab having a stent placed in an artery, within two hours he was in ICU. It all happened so fast, there was no time to worry or even panic. Everyone exuded confidence and authority. It was the opposite of House M.D. Thank God.


Later on that evening or early that next morning in the ICU Rich asked me, 'What about your blog?'

'Who cares.’
‘Will it change?’
‘If it changes, it changes.'
‘Will you write about what has happened?’
‘Only if you want me to.’

If there is ever such a thing, Rich hit the jackpot heart attack wise. All cherries and red 777’s. Lucky guy. He came in so early to the ER, he didn't lose any heart muscle. His heart attack happened in the back of his heart which holds up the front of your heart. It's the front of the heart that does the bulk of work so having a heart attack in the back is pretty lucky. The doctors placed a stent in his artery that was blocked 100 percent and discovered two more blockages of 80 percent. They also discovered a tiny hole in his heart that he has had since he was born and was in all likelihood the cause of the arrhythmia he has had since he was a boy. He is home now, up and walking and getting cabin fever.

What happens next?

Rich and I have an appointment July 20th to find out what the cardiologist wants to do about the other blockages and the hole in his heart. We will go on from there.

As for this space…

It will change but probably not as much as you think. I have a theory that blogs sometimes are glossy facades of what we want to see. Think Wizard of OZ. It is all very, ‘do not look behind the curtain.’ What you see only a glimpse of some of the meals we eat. What you don’t see is the vegetarian meals we eat four times a week or the red meat once a week, my aversion to processed foods and high fructose corn syrup. You see the treats; fried food and the ice cream, the cakes and cookies but they are just that… treats. Something we eat in moderation. Also, chocolate peanut butter pie sounds way better than tofu, right? You don’t want to read about tofu, do you? Tofzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Whaaaa? Oh yeah tofu is kinda boring on the excitement food blog scale. I hear you clicking off of here right now just mentioning tofzzzzzzzzz. Sorry, even I nodded off again.

I can hear you calling me out, ‘So then why did he have clogged arteries? Are you trying to kill your husband by not changing your blog? Clogged arteries mean poor diet, right? If he ate tofu that you were just being so flip about, he wouldn’t have had a damn heart attack.’ Well not really per se, Rich was served a really rotten genetic shit sandwich that we didn’t find out about until after I gently grilled his mom while I was sitting in the ICU. I don’t want to get into details but let’s just say everyone in the family was shocked about the information that was given and if we knew about this 10 years ago there might have never been a heart attack. But now this new information now gives Rich and his cardiologist a more complete medical history to work from and if the doctor says change his diet completely, I will. No questions asked and that change will be reflected here.

In the meantime, our family is going to hibernate, count our lucky stars, get Rich to his many upcoming doctors appointments and spend the rest of  the time showering him with affection. I will sporadically be posting the some 15 odd posts that are backlogged while we are waiting for a more complete picture onto what will happen next.

And if I haven't told you... thank you for reading.


Anonymous said...

Hi, I thought you are a very strong and courageous person, and one heaven of a good cook and great writer. Your post has many facts, important ones too. You please take care of yourself too.
- naomi

Jennifer said...

All you need to do, should do, is take care of your family. We'll be around when you come back. Healing thoughts to your husband.

Katie said...

I am so sorry to hear that you guys had such a scare Krysta. My mother (who is 53) recently signed up for a routine study on cardiac health and diet because of our extensive family history of early cardiac deaths. My mother eats very healthy and exercises, sees her physicians and cardiologist regularly but thought it would be neat to be part of this study. Well, the study required a PET scan to show baseline health and my mother's arteries were 80, 60 and 40% blocked. The doctors says there is no surgical intervention available due to the nature of her blockages and recommended a comeplete diet make-over. She is on a cardiac damage reversal diet that calls for <10% fat in her diet 10-20 gm/day and only 2-3gm/meal and Carbs 180 gm/day or 45-60g/meal. Since I already have cardiac problems (and my mother's genes) I have been trying to support her by following her diet and it doesn't make for very good blogging fodder. No-fat chicken breast with a side of steamed veggies lol. :) I am here to support you guys!! There are lots of people out there who need help with healthy recipes too. I am just happy he is ok and he is getting the help he needs.

rglossner said...

Krysta, thank you for posting, and I'm glad all is well.

Rebecca said...

This is why I love you. Every bit of this post is you.

SaintTigerlily said...


I've tried to write this comment five times and keep erasing and starting over. So I'll just stop and tell you privately.





Cali ʚϊɞ said...

so glad to hear that he's ok(kind of)!

Melissa said...

I love that poem in the beginning, which reminds me that, at the core of it all, is just a woman, a wonderful amazing kind awesome woman I know, who loves a man with all her heart and wants him to stay with her for a long time to come.

Don't worry about what anyone else thinks, or about what you write or cook or say. Just hug him tight and keep taking care of him, like you always do, in whatever way you know is best, and treasure every little breath and heartbeat.

I love you!

Anonymous said...

Holy crap! Thank goodness he relented and went to the ER. Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers...this is a game changer for sure.

Joanne- long time reader/lurker, infrequent commenter.

The Food Adventurer said...

This happened to my Dad a couple years ago. Same symptoms...except he was in a cab in NYC. He's great now and doing a ton better. It's a wakeup call for sure though...

Thoughts and good feelings to your family...

Sgt Todd said...

Knim...tofu...ok, just kidding. I am so glad Rich is on the mend. Tell him we are all thinking of him at work and that he can NOT get all worked up while watching the Giants.

The Cutting Edge of Ordinary said...

Thanks for the update. Your blogging sisters were thinking about you the whole time.

Grace said...

Hi Krysta: Glad to hear that Rich is on the road to recovery. In 2009 I too suffered a heart attack. Mine was in the left descending artery (LAD), which happened while I was at work. I was rushed to the nearest ER and then immediately to the Cath lab in a hospital about 35 minutes away (the ambulance did it in 20 minutes). I received 1 stent and was back in the original hospital later that evening, and went home the next day at noon.

I have changed my diet, lost a great deal of weight and now exercise regularly. I really watch my sodium intake and eat fairly healthy. (Due to another condition, I have to eat lots of protein, so I do eat red meat). I no longer use butter except for cooking. I am no longer on any heart medication, and I no longer see any doctor for my heart.

Rich will make it through the many dr. appointments, tests, etc. (especially with his loving wife and family at his side). Best wishes to all of you!

Grace said...

BTW - I was dealt a genetic shit sandwich too!

Eva said...

I like tofu!

Good luck with everything, I hope everything works out ok. And even if the doctors tell him to cut back on everything good in life, which hopefully they won't, I hope you don't give them all up completely. What's the point of living if you are only doing it to live and not enjoying it?

Cassaendra said...

So glad that he is doing fine.

We are going through a similar situation as well including the sandwich, but not quite to that extent...that we know of.

While you are taking care of him, don't forget to take care of yourself.

I love tofu, btw.

Becki (Becki's Whole Life) said...

Glad to hear he is ok. I agree - what you post on your blog does not necessarily reflect your overall diet...Very often my healthy dishes (which is probably about 85%) of what I eat, aren't actual recipes, but they are what I eat the most.

Anonymous said...

So happy to hear that Rich hit the lucky 777's! Hope for a quick recovery.

Nouveau Chef said...

Hey Krysta - I had to sit on your post for a few days. Thank you for sharing and good on you for being so insistant! I married into a family with a grandma who lived to 103 and a grandfather and uncle who died in their 40's due to heart disease and a father in law who had a quadruple by-pass in his 40's (because my MIL is a cardiac nurse who rocks!) It's a crap-shoot and you do what you can and live life with joy regardless. I will look forward to reading your blog with whatever changes come to your family. Hug Rich, feed your family & enjoy.

ali darling said...

i'm sending you so much love and good vibes. <3

Phoo-D said...

Oh I am so glad that you got him to the hospital quickly and that everything is stabilized. Hang in there. I, for one, will be very excited to read about tofu!

oneordinaryday said...

So glad that your family got through such a scare. I'm sure your lives will change a bit, but your readers will still be around. :)

Betty said...

So glad your hubby's ok! I went through the same thing this past fall with my hubby- he ended up with a quintuple bypass. Like your hubby, mine did not have genetics on his side. I wish the best to both of you- I know that recuperation can be stressful. Found your blog on Gojee- love it!

Margie said...

Sigh. You speak the truth on all points. I'm glad to see Rich is doing well. I never understand that thought process either. I have to go to the doctor every 3-4 months. I hate it but I'd hate it more if I was forced to check out early because I didn't do my part.

This is my first time commenting on your blog and I figured it was time I did so. Much love.

Christina said...

I jsut stumbled onto your blog today for your cheese fritters recipe when I read this post about your husband. I am so glad to hear he is doing well. Something very similar happened to my father - a little bit of tightness, a wife who insisted they go to the hospital, and a doctor telling him he was having a heart attack. It's incredibly scary to go through.

I will keep your family in my thoughts. I hope for your husband's continued recovery. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

Vickie said...

I miss a few weeks of bloggomania and come back to this . . . I'm so sorry for your scare. Life is precious and unpredictable. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Tofu can be good. :)

The Yummy Mummy said...

I just saw this - My God Krysta, so happy Rich is okay now.

Thinking of you. I'll remember this if David ever doesn't want to get his ass to a hospital. You are a good, good wife.

xo Kim

Christina said...

Love your blog... simply yum. I'd LOVE to see some tofu recipes :)