i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I used to always joke with Rich (in my best Marine Master Gunnery Sergeant voice) that, 'When you turn 50, your ass belongs to me!' Translated it meant: At the age of 50, I would be in charge of his health. I would make sure that he would schedule and actually appear at doctors’ appointments. I know it doesn't sound particularly romantic but what it meant was because of the 12 year age difference between us, I needed and wanted to make sure he is around. It was my way of carrying his heart in mine. With a somewhat chaotic childhood, fear of abandonment is a heavy backpack I still carry around and if I can take steps to know I tried to prevent that kind of loss, in some way it actually lightens the burden knowing I at least tried on my end.
Excuse me while I climb on my soapbox for a moment.
::: clears throat::::
I never understood when guys (or for that matter I know plenty of women) who brag that, 'I NEVER GO TO THE DOCTOR' Like this is a badge of honor. Sorry but I think you should be wearing a dunce cap and attached to said dunce cap a 'kick me, because stupid I am' sign. It’s time to go sit in the corner with your hat and sign, dumbass.* You would never not take in your car if it was making strange noises. If you had a leak in your roof that was going to make your roof cave in and damage your home, you would get it fixed. Why not your body? It's a piece of machinery; it works 24/7 without ever stopping or complaining... unless you are dead. Most people take better care of their cars then their bodies. Go to the damn doctor. It’s not that complicated.
*this excludes people who do not have health insurance
::: off soapbox :::
Anyways... Rich beat me to my threat by 2 1/2 years on Sunday. He went to work out in the afternoon, came home took a shower then a nap and woke up around 6:30 PM feeling achy... he said it felt like he had his teeth pulled and the Novocain was wearing off. He couldn't get comfortable, flinched when I tried to rub his back. Said his temples and his biceps hurt. I asked him if he wanted to go to the ER at first he said no. There was the usual married-a-long-time-shorthand-volley-back-and-forth of...
'Are you sure?'
'You should really go.'
'You need to go.'
‘….’ Death stare
‘Okay, I’ll go’
So we got into the car and drove the block to the hospital. Yes, you read that right, only a block. Got him into triage. Not even five minutes later the ER doctor says, 'Your blood pressure and heart rate are fine but your ekg is funny. Have you ever had a heart attack?'
‘Well you are having one.'
Yes, Rich thought the nurses and doctor were lying. I did too until I saw seven nurses and techs trailing behind the ER doctor. I know, I actually counted out loud with my finger. One, two, three… Maybe I should have worn the dunce’s cap. I can tell you my first thought when I saw all those people attending to Rich was, ‘Oh shit, this is serious!’
Way to state the obvious, huh?
And that was that.
Also, can I say how glad I am that we didn't walk to the hospital? Could you imagine the guilt?
I heard the hospital call Code Blue on the overhead speakers and within the hour he was in the cath lab having a stent placed in an artery, within two hours he was in ICU. It all happened so fast, there was no time to worry or even panic. Everyone exuded confidence and authority. It was the opposite of House M.D. Thank God.
Later on that evening or early that next morning in the ICU Rich asked me, 'What about your blog?'
‘Will it change?’
‘If it changes, it changes.'
‘Will you write about what has happened?’
‘Only if you want me to.’
If there is ever such a thing, Rich hit the jackpot heart attack wise. All cherries and red 777’s. Lucky guy. He came in so early to the ER, he didn't lose any heart muscle. His heart attack happened in the back of his heart which holds up the front of your heart. It's the front of the heart that does the bulk of work so having a heart attack in the back is pretty lucky. The doctors placed a stent in his artery that was blocked 100 percent and discovered two more blockages of 80 percent. They also discovered a tiny hole in his heart that he has had since he was born and was in all likelihood the cause of the arrhythmia he has had since he was a boy. He is home now, up and walking and getting cabin fever.
What happens next?
Rich and I have an appointment July 20th to find out what the cardiologist wants to do about the other blockages and the hole in his heart. We will go on from there.
As for this space…
It will change but probably not as much as you think. I have a theory that blogs sometimes are glossy facades of what we want to see. Think Wizard of OZ. It is all very, ‘do not look behind the curtain.’ What you see only a glimpse of some of the meals we eat. What you don’t see is the vegetarian meals we eat four times a week or the red meat once a week, my aversion to processed foods and high fructose corn syrup. You see the treats; fried food and the ice cream, the cakes and cookies but they are just that… treats. Something we eat in moderation. Also, chocolate peanut butter pie sounds way better than tofu, right? You don’t want to read about tofu, do you? Tofzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Whaaaa? Oh yeah tofu is kinda boring on the excitement food blog scale. I hear you clicking off of here right now just mentioning tofzzzzzzzzz. Sorry, even I nodded off again.
I can hear you calling me out, ‘So then why did he have clogged arteries? Are you trying to kill your husband by not changing your blog? Clogged arteries mean poor diet, right? If he ate tofu that you were just being so flip about, he wouldn’t have had a damn heart attack.’ Well not really per se, Rich was served a really rotten genetic shit sandwich that we didn’t find out about until after I gently grilled his mom while I was sitting in the ICU. I don’t want to get into details but let’s just say everyone in the family was shocked about the information that was given and if we knew about this 10 years ago there might have never been a heart attack. But now this new information now gives Rich and his cardiologist a more complete medical history to work from and if the doctor says change his diet completely, I will. No questions asked and that change will be reflected here.
In the meantime, our family is going to hibernate, count our lucky stars, get Rich to his many upcoming doctors appointments and spend the rest of the time showering him with affection. I will sporadically be posting the some 15 odd posts that are backlogged while we are waiting for a more complete picture onto what will happen next.
And if I haven't told you... thank you for reading.
Posted by krysta at 11:17 PM