go go giants!

My family bleeds orange and black especially Rich, my husband. I mean I let him name our son after Will Clark so you can imagine what our house was like tonight or this whole post season. I'm thinking about starting a whole seperate blog during baseball season, "Sh*t That Spews Out of Rich's Mouth During Baseball Season!" I've already talked to him about it and he has given me his blessing.


*big time timmy jim. picture taken july 27th 2009. 15 strikeouts, complete game shut out. every year on or about our anniversary we go to a giants game.

*originally posted April 10, 2009

(author's note... this post is nsfw. i debated a long time about even putting it up because people i know have personally come up to me and they are reading my blog/or making so-and-so recipe and that has thrown me for a loop. so if i do know you... don't read too much into this and if your kids spend the night i warn them this might happen and that rich will leave the room or my kids will go to theirs or find something to do that will take their friends out of earshot)


Etymology: Latin fanaticus inspired by a deity, frenzied, from fanum temple

definition: marked by excessive enthusiasm and often intense uncritical devotion

Welcome Back Baseball!

Rich is a baseball fan. Well, maybe fan is too light of a word. It doesn't have the heft of what he really is and fanatic really doesn't do it justice either. Let's put it this way he hid his uberfantic tendencies until we were married because I would have seriously considered not marrying him if I knew what I know now. Think of him as a stereotypical Yankee fan and a Red Sox fan rolled into one. When my sous chefs friends come over we warn them that you will hear bad words during a baseball game and it will be loud. Rich will normally go into our bedroom when company is at our house because even he knows that no one wants to hear it but he can't control himself. It's Baseball Tourette's.

So what is it that no one wants to hear?

Rich's Guide of Baseball Insults:(Revised Edition)

The short or long clap: This is just a clap but it has it's own beat. A short clap is good but a long clap (and do I mean long... like all the players have all taken showers and gone to the airport to catch the flight home and he's still sitting there clapping) we know the game or a particular play was good. A job well done.

Jackass: Anybody on the other team that shows up his SF Giants. Particularly any LA Dodger or a LA Dodger fan. Including my best friend, his best friend, my step mom...

"That jackass Manny Rameirez is a cocksucker. He needs to fucking cut his hair."


"Hey Jackass! Your team lost last night."

Now here's where it can get tricky... most of the time you would think that these names would be directed at the other team but no they are not. They are directed to his own team... sometimes as a term of affection but more often than not they are screamed as motivational tool to get his team to play better... like they can hear him yelling through the tv.

Note: Goddamn is used before every insult.

Cocksucker: Error. Okay, that's forgivable. Don't do it again.

"Goddamn cocksucker. Get your glove down next time."

Cocksucker motherfucker: Error/Mental Error. Don't do it again. Big leaguers are not suppose to make that type of error.

"Goddamn cocksucker motherfucker! Stupid base running. Lewis doesn't have his head in the game. Why the fuck was he running?"

Cocksucker motherfucker piece of shit asshole: Error/mental error/stupid error. Go figure it out in the minor leagues, dumbass.

"Goddamn motherfucker piece of shit asshole. What the fuck was he thinking? Throwing that on an 0-2 count."

Cocksucker motherfucker piece of shit asshole dumbass stupid motherfucker: Stupid ass shouldn't play. Just retire.

The above saying is normally reserved for the pitchers and normally when they give up runs in the eighth or ninth inning after the Giants have been leading the whole game. Especially if the pitcher has walked in a run.

But it also is reserved for Barry Bonds when he would nonchalantly jog in the outfield to catch a fly ball and miss.


If that's repeated twice you might want to clear the room.

This is saved for the special times like when Jose Cruz Jr. dropped a ball during the 2002 World Series. Any game in which the Giants lose to the Dodgers.

This is what I have to deal with for 162 games and believe it or not Rich says I'm not a fan because I do not participate in his love of Baseball Tourette's.

update: Tonight, I have one very happy husband and no screaming.


The Cutting Edge of Ordinary said...

Well I'm happy for Rich! Yeah. Believe me...I'm a Red Sox fan so I know what waiting is all about. When my team won the World Series....remember that? I was out in the street, screaming with my neighbors, at like 11pm at night, and I wasn't alone. It was a beautiful thing. Tears of joy. Your post made me laugh...hard.

LilSis said...

I'm happy for your hubby, but still a little sad for my Texas Rangers. I grew up in Arlington so we're proud of the boys for making it as far as they did!!

Love the socks! :-)

I'm Cassie.... said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Totally awesome!!! I, myself, am a Padres fan through and through, regardless of how shitty they play, but one thing we have in common is hating the Dodgers....and that you have Bochy. Great game last night, love a good pitcher's duel and happy to see the Giants take it.

Anonymous said...

I have unsubscribed immediately from your blog after this post because of the offensive language used...not once but repeatedly. I found it absolutely disgusting.

me again said...

I'm happy for your hubby. I think we've all been in that glorious position when OUR TEAM WINS THE BIG ONE and sadly, we've all been on the other side too. Winning is better.

krysta said...

@lisa... you guys had to wait a long time for your world series win even i was happy when the sox won.

@lil sis... the rangers were so gracious the whole time and you guys had hamilton and cliff lee... they have a good line up and seem to be keeping most of their players in the off season, i'm sure the rangers will be back.

@cassie... i love bochy and dodger's suck.

@anon... i warned you! too bad you don't get the joke.

@me again... winning feels good.

Mags @ the Other Side of 50 said...

Oh lordy...I laughed myself silly over this one! You just described my husband (cuss words included) during Ohio State Football. He's mellowed slightly with age, but I still prefer not to have anyone but family around when he's watching the game because he just gets so obscene!

Rebecca said...

You know me. Red Sox Nation all the way (in Yankees territory, no less...) And you KNOW I was with you on this one, sister... I still vote you videotape Rich.

Anonymous said...
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SaintTigerlily said...

OK...the anonymous comment was from me. I just can't take your language anymore Krysta. My EEEEAAARS. My beautiful, delicate, virginal eeeeeeears.

**First time and this time, this is some of the best use of adult language in writing ever, to my mind. You know how much I love oversalting my language. You do it with a style and panache to which I can only tearfully aspire. Anyone on a low sodium diet (words or food) shouldn't be on this site anyway.**

Nouveau Chef said...
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Nouveau Chef said...

HaHaHaHa! That is a great post! We are a baseball family bravely following the Seattle Mariners so there has been plenty of that language from my teenagers. Congratulations to your Giants (you're welcome for Tim Lincecum) Now I just have to figure out how to cook dinner without my "baseball on the radio" soundtrack.

Denise Michaels - Adventurous Foodie said...

Well, um, you DO call yourself "evil." I'll come back when you return to food writing. I understand the fun of wanting to share your World Series experience with your husband - but we're all just sort of foodies and not accustomed to such blue language.

I GET the joke - I just think it'd be more well-received in a sports focused blog. I'm a marketing expert and my number one rule is, "A confused mind always says no."

me again said...

@DeniseMichaels......Speak for yourself sister, not for the rest of us ("we're all just sort of foodies........."). Not accustomed to blue language? My hubby has been a police officer for almost 35 years and I'm a former 911 operator. NOT ACCUSTOMED to blue language? Hah! What I read here is barely aqua, let alone blue.