Hello Everybody! Welcome to the Roller Coaster of Cancer! This ride contains highs, lows, swift turns and sudden dips. Please switch off your electronic devices (especially cell phones), make sure your seat is in an upright position, and no smoking on this ride. Keep your hands and feet in the vehicle at all times. Once you are on this ride there is no getting off. Good luck and remember to have fun damnit!
Oh black humor, how I miss you. I've tried to suppress you for way too long. That was my bad. So to hell with it I'm going to let you back into my life with open loving arms.
Where to begin? I guess from the start would suffice. Some time ago, two things happened:
1.) I got it into my head no one would want to read about the bad stuff so I would just write about the happy smiley stuff.
2.) I never knew who was reading so maybe it would be best if I censored my writing.
Little did I know that those two things gave me mental constipation that no amount of Ex-Lax could take care of. So screw it. I am not going to go into too much because I really haven't asked permission to tell these stories but I want to let you know where I am at, mentally, at least.
In last few months both my step father and father-in-law have both been diagnosed with cancer. I would say colon cancer but for one of them we are not sure if it's colon or rectum cancer.
Can you imagine it, having asshole cancer? It's a great conversation starter.
"How are you?"
"I'm fine except for the asshole cancer!"
"You mean cancer is an asshole?"
"No, I mean I have asshole cancer! It is an asshole but it is also located in the asshole. Therefore I have asshole cancer!"
Cancer that can be used as a verb and a noun!
And the other was diagnosed with colon cancer but it is terminal. That's pretty much a conversation killer if there ever was one.
One diagnosis was undramatic and the other was full of drama worthy of an Oscar. Trust me it's not the one you think.
In other words, one person (on one side of the family) needs to be told to "Time to nut up or shut up." because the hysterics are not going to help because I have a feeling that maybe someone might need to blow off some steam and it will be directed at hysterical family member #1. I'm thinking the hospital staff doesn't want a live showing of The Jerry Springer Show in the waiting room... though if we included some little people and some security men in all black, it could be well worth it.
Let's add to this little cancer cocktail party another family member who had a stroke on Christmas Day which screwed with her vision, the one-two knockout punch of sick kids and there you have it...
Suffice it to say that the next few weeks posting will be sporadic. Like it hasn't been already.