leftovers...

i've been cooking up a storm just haven't been blogging about it.



let's see... i have made

brussel sprout hash with bacon
pizza from the bread bible because mr. orph told me i had to [ donald, thanks for the greybread comment today, it was the first laugh i had all day.]
touch of grace biscuits... no pictures
pretzels

and the cream of mushroom soup you see above. i know what it looks like (crap it actually it looks like sidewalk) but it's something so different and subtle (not me) i don't even know where to start. a culinary writing block if there ever was one.



meanwhile, i went to morris chapel and wasn't struck down by lightning.

(((gasp)))... i know















this is one of my favorite photos... don't you think this sums up being a kid? the freedom to take off and fly, the invincibility of having a cape, poised ready to jump off into the unknown.

it's been a super rough week around the evil chef mom household. i am emotionally drained. so...i'm turning off the computer and i'll be back in a few days.

basic soft white sandwich loaf

i.e. white bread

The definition according to Urban Dictionary:

Whitebread:

Belonging to the class of bland, clean-cut, middle-of-the-road suburbanite breeders. The Cleavers from the old TV show "Leave It To Beaver" are a familiar archetype of whitebread culture. Compare to yuppie. The term implies profound cultural naïvete, blind consumerism, and an unquestioning "follower" mindset. Common trappings of the whitebread lifestyle include golf, Kenny G and Enya CDs, SUVs, an irrational fixation on lawn care, Golden Retrievers, nominally Christian religious beliefs, Old Navy clothing, moderate to conservative political views, bad Chardonnay, equally bad espresso, cookie-cutter houses, Bath & Body Works hygiene products, and very white-collar employment. Though whitebread individuals are usually white, the term is not necessarily racial in meaning - the implication lies more with the blandness, predictability, and banality of plain white bread. Accordingly, "wonderbread" is often used as a synonym.

I'll bet the amount of money that whitebread neighborhood spends on lawn fertilizer could feed a small African nation.



Okay, I'm white. Like, totally, how white is she?

Krysta is so white...

People walk right though her because they mistake her for a ghost?

Anyhoo(see only white people say that) my point is that whitebread gets a bad rap. It's not flavorful enough, it's bad for you, whatever.



Basic Soft White Bread: The Bread Bible pages 244-248

Times:

Dough Starter (sponge): min. 1 hour, max. 24 hrs.
Minimum Rising Time: 4 hours
Baking Time: 50 minutes

Dough Starter (sponge):

2 1/4 cups plus 2 1/2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
scant 1 3/4 cup water at room temp. (70 to 90 degrees f)
2 tablespoons plus 1 teaspoon honey
3/4 teaspoon instant yeast

Flour Mixture and Dough:

2 cups plus 3 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1/4 cup dry milk*
1 teaspoon instant yeast
9 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened
2 1/4 tsp salt

Make the Sponge:

In a mixer bowl or other large bowl, combine the flour, water, honey and yeast. Whisk until very smooth, to incorporate air, about 2 minutes. The sponge will be the consistency of a thick batter, scrape down the sides of the bowl, and cover with plastic wrap.

Make the Flour Mixture and Add to the Sponge:

In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour (reserve 1/4 cup if mixing by hand), dry milk* and yeast. Sprinkle this on top of the sponge and cover tightly with plastic wrap. Allow it to ferment for 1 to 4 hours at room temperature. (During this time, the sponge will bubble through the flour blanket in places: this is fine).

Time note: For the best flavor, allow sponge to ferment 1 hour at room temperature and then refrigerate it for 8-24 hours. Remove from fridge 1 hour before mixing the dough.

Mix the dough:

I used the mixer method

Add butter to the bowl and mix with the dough hook on low speed (#2 on KitchenAid) for 1 minute or until the flour is moistened enough to form a rough dough. Scrape down any bits of dough, Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and allow dough to rest for 20 minutes.

Sprinkle on the salt and knead dough on medium speed (#4 on KitchenAid) for 7-10 minutes. It will not come away from the bowl until the last minute or so of kneading; it will be smooth and shiny and stick to your fingers. With an oiled spatula, scrape down any dough clinging to the sides of the bowl. If the dough is not stiff, knead in a little flour. If it is not at all sticky, spray it with a little water and knead it in.

Hand method:

Add the salt and butter to the bowl and, with a wooden spoon or with your hand, stir until all the flour is moistened. Knead the dough in the bowl until it comes together, then scrape it onto a lightly floured counter. Knead the dough for 5 minutes, enough to develop the gluten structure a little, adding as little of the reserved flour as possible to keep the dough from sticking. Use a bench scraper to scrape the dough and gather it together as you knead it. At this point, it will be very sticky. Cover it with an inverted bowl and allow it to rest for 20 minutes. (This resting time will make the dough less sticky and easier to work with).
Knead the dough for another 5 minutes or until it is very smooth and elastic. It should still be tacky enough to cling slightly to your fingers a little. If the dough is still very sticky, however, add some of the remaining reserved flour, or a little extra.

Let the Dough Rise:

Using an oiled spatula or dough scraper, scrape the dough into a 4-quart rising container or bowl, lightly oiled with cooking spray or oil. Push down the dough and lightly oil the surface. Cover container with plastic wrap. Allow dough to rise until doubled, 1 1/2 to 2 hours.

Using an oiled spatula or dough scraper, scrape dough onto a floured counter and press down on it gently to form a rectangle. It will be full of air and resilient. Try to maintain as many air bubbles as possible. Pull out and fold the dough over from all four sides into a tight package and set ii back in the container. Again oil the surface, cover and allow to rise 1-2 hours until doubled.

Shape Dough and Let it Rise:

Turn the dough out onto a lightly floured counter and cut it in half. Shape each piece into a loaf begin by gently pressing the dough into a wide rectangle; the exact size is not important at this point. (A long side of the dough should be facing toward you). Dimple the dough with your fingertips to deflate any large bubbles. Fold over the right side of the dough to a little past the center. Fold over the left side of the dough to overlap it slightly. Press the center overlap section with the side of your hand to seal the dough. Starting at the top end of the dough, roll it over three or four times, until it reaches the bottom edge of the dough: with each roll, press with your thumbs to seal it and at the same time push it away from you slightly to tighten the outer skin. As you roll and press, the dough will become wider. If it is not as long as the pan, place both hands close together on top of the dough and, rolling back and forth, gradually work your way toward the ends, gently stretching the dough. For the most even shape, it is important to keep a tight skin on the surface of the dough and not to tear it. If you want the edges of the loaf to be smooth, tuck the sides under.

Place the loaves in the prepared loaf pans; the dough will be about 1/2-inch from the top of the pans. Cover them with a large container, or cover them loosely with oiled plastic wrap, and allow to rise until the center is about 1 inch above the sides of the pan, 1 1/2 to 2 hours. When the dough is pressed with a fingertip, the depression will very slowly fill in.

Preheat to 350 degrees 45 minutes before baking. Before preheating, have an oven shelf at the lowest level and place a baking stone or a baking sheet on it, and a cast-iron skillet or sheet pan on the floor of the oven.

Bake The Bread:

Quickly but gently set the pans on the hot baking stone or hot baking sheet. Toss 1/2 cup of ice cubes into the pan beneath and immediately shut the door. Bake for 50 minutes or until medium golden brown and a skewer inserted in the middle comes out clean (an instant-read thermometer inserted into the center will read about 210 degrees). Halfway through baking, turn the pans around for even baking.
Remove from oven and let cool on a wire rack.

*If you don't have dry milk here's what you do. Leave the dry milk out of the flour mixture and dough section and in the sponge section replace the scant 1 3/4 cup of water with 1 cup scalded milk (cooled) and 3/4 of water.

I made a few mistakes and my bread turned out well. I misread the dry milk/water/scalded milk directions. I easily fixed it by adding more flour and I know that's why my bread had a different texture and crumb. Oh well, there's always next time.



By the way... I hate golf, all things Kenny G and Enya, suv's and cookie cutter houses are a huge pet peeve of mine. I could care less about my lawn (sorta). Bath and Body works makes you smell like a fruit bowl. Don't like wine, rarely drink coffee, my politics lean left, and while golden retrievers are cute... I like ugly dogs. So I guess you can call me pseudo-white bread. You know that white bread fortified with wheat, you know the bread that's suppose to ease your guilt of feeding your kids something bad. That's me. Just call me Pseudo White Bread.

wtf california?

Dear Legislators Of The State of California (every single one of you)

We are getting an IOU for our tax refund...

One year we owed the tax franchise board 18 dollars on a payroll deduction error that was a company bookkeeping error. The tax board found this error 8 years later by auditing the company books. Do you know what the tax board did? They gave us a nice prostate exam i.e. they climbed up our ass for that damn 18 dollars plus interest!!! WTF ? Do you think we will get interest on our IOU?!!!* Oh hell no, you guys can't get your shit together to pass a GD budget. Screw the lot of you!

Another fed up voter,

Krysta Guerrero

P.S. All of you legislators should not be paid AT ALL. Matter of fact, you should all be locked in a cage, kept away from your family, and only be fed stale bread and water until you get a budget passed. All these state workers are getting laid off and you, sir and madams, get a fucking paycheck. It's disgusting, really. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Don't be surprised when people start rioting. Dumb Asses.


*yes, we will get interest but not really... here's why.

pulled from the state of ca. website

Am I entitled to receive interest because of the delay?

It depends upon the length of the delay. For individual taxpayers, interest on current year refunds is only paid if your refund is not issued within 45 days after April 15, or the date that your return is filed, whichever is later. If you are entitled to receive interest on a prior year refund, you will receive it when your refund is issued.

We filed the last week of January. We should have had our refund by now.

coming up tomorrows menu: BREAD!

As The Potato Peels...

click here for the last gripping installment of As The Potato Peels

When we last left ECM and her evil identical twin Christina Shane, ECM was stranded on a deserted island torn between two men Tony and Eric. Meanwhile back in Green Valley, in ECM's kitchen, Christina Shane was having a minor breakdown but what she didn't know is that someone was watching her from the window.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door.

{cue ominous music}

Christina Shane gasped. "Who could that be on this dark and stormy night?" she thought as she rapidly tidied herself up to go answer the door.
"Michelle!"

"Hello Mom. Did you forget about me? Wait, that's right, Aunt Christina you didn't forget because you didn't know I was in town, did you?"

"Michelle, I won't lie. It's me, your Auntie Christina. I thought your mom sent you to reform school after that unfortunate incident."

"She did, Aunt Michelle but I had this feeling that you were up to something. Mom told me to trust those instincts when its about you because she said you and I share a special bond."

"Dear God! She didn't tell you, did she?"

"Tell me what, Aunt Christina?" Michelle eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"Come in out of the rain. I'll make you your favorite sweet potato latkes, we need to talk."

Where is ECM?
What special bond do Michelle and her Aunt Christine Shane share?
Why was Michelle sent to reform school?

Stay tuned, all these questions and more will be answered on the next episode of "As The Potato Peels"

Sweet Potato Latkes:

6 medium sized sweet potatoes
2 eggs
1 tsp. salt
2 tbs. flour
1/4 tsp. baking powder
1 small yellow onion
1 small granny smith apple

Line a colander with paper towels or cheesecloth. Peel and grate potatoes, onion, and apple on a coarse grater. Mix together and place into colander lined with cheesecloth. Let stand for 5 minuets and then squeeze out remaining liquid. Beat eggs lightly; add grated potatoes, onion, and apple and blend well. Add salt, flour, baking powder and mix thoroughly. Pour 1 inch oil into skillet and heat. Drop mix by tablespoons into hot oil. Fry and brown on both sides. Serve hot. Drain off any liquid before frying each cake. Serve with sour cream or apple sauce. Makes 20.



This Potato Ho-down is brought to you by the letters N and P. Our sponsors for "As The Potato Peels" are brought to you by Cathy of Noble Pig and Krysta of Evil Chef Mom.

what we don't talk about...

when it comes to parenting it's funny what we don't speak aloud. we don't want to talk about how hard it is being a parent. sure, we'll talk about the shiny stuff, the gloss of parenting; good things, the accomplishments. we'll talk about how hard labor was. that is the fun stuff, it's the woman's equivalent to the testosterone filled locker room and shooting the shit bar talk. we gather around listening to latest tale being told, laughing, nudging the friend next to us "can you believe that?" nodding in agreement that we have all been through this together. a special club.

but after the labor tales and the shiny stuff, the heavenly choirs stop singing and real life kicks in. very few of us want to discuss how hard the rest of the day-to-day mommyhood is. the things that make us want to poke our eyes with a dull pencil and run shrieking out into the night never to be heard from again.

if we talk about this, the mood in the locker room changes. no longer are we laughing and shaking our heads in agreement. we now nudge the person next to us shaking our heads in judgement and say "what a horrible mom." and we lie to ourselves "not my johnny or suzy. they would never talk back, have bad grades, throw a fit in the middle in of the grocery store." we don't want to admit it's not all easy and shiny.

on saturday, on a day we are suppose to celebrate love, i felt like the worst mom ever. my kids broke me down and ground me up. i had had enough of everything, their needs and wants, their constant bickering, walking away mumbling behind my back. it was all too much and i cried in front of them, while yelling, which is such an ugly combination. all the frustration coming up in a tsunami wave of grief and anger. i hate crying, especially in front of them. i can only name one other time i have done it. i feet weak and like i'm guilt tripping them into being good for a few hours at most. maybe it's a good thing for them to see, maybe it's a good thing to admit. i'm not sure. i do feel like everyone is judging and that my membership to mommyhood is seriously in question right about now.

This is Top Chef, Not Top Pussy

That was the best line I have heard in... forever. Now before you get all up in arms. It's true it's also the first time someone on Top Chef acted like a chef instead of a whiny ______ , I'll let you fill in the blank. Let me give a little back story first. For people who watch Top Chef, which should be all of you. You know what happened. But for those of you who don't Fabio, cute, charming and very Italian broke his pinkie and kept on cooking. When stoner Leah says she might have given up with a broken finger, Fabio says, "This is Top Chef, not Top Pussy." and when asked if he wants to go to the hospital he says "No way, hospital? I’ll chop it off and sear it on the flattop so it dosen’t bleed anymore, and tomorrow I’ll deal with my finger.”

And there you go. Chefs are like doctors, policemen, firemen, pilots, nurses. We expect them to do a consistent job 24/7. Home life, illness and injuries DO NOT get in the way of their jobs. You do not pussy out, you do your job and suck it up.

Matter of fact Fabio's attitude reminded me of the great Ronnie Lott.



*if you don't know who Ronnie Lott is, go ahead and google Ronnie Lott and pinkie. I'll wait. Whistling.... Waiting... Twittling thumbs.

See what I mean?

Brasato al Barolo or fancy talk for Braised Short Ribs with Horseradish Gremolata: The Babbo Cookbook, Mario Batali

¼ cup extra virgin olive oil
4 16-ounce beef short ribs
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
2 carrots, peeled and roughly chopped
1 onion, roughly chopped
2 celery stalks, roughly chopped
5 garlic cloves, thinly sliced
2 cups Barolo, or other full-bodied red wine
1 16-ounce can of peeled tomatoes, crushed by hand with their juices
1 cup brown chicken stock (I used water because I ran out of chicken stock)
½ bunch thyme
½ bunch rosemary
½ bunch oregano

Gremolata:

Leaves from 1 bunch of flat leaf parsley
Zest of two lemons, cut into julienne strips
¼ pound fresh horseradish, grated (I couldn't find fresh horseradish anywhere so I use a couple cloves of garlic)

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. In a large, heavy-bottomed skillet or Dutch oven, heat the olive oil over high heat until smoking. Season the ribs with salt and pepper and cook them over high heat until deep brown all on sides, about 15 minutes total.Remove the short ribs to a plate and set aside. Add the carrots, onion, celery and garlic to the pan and cook over high heat until browned and softened, about 4 minutes. Season with salt and pepper and stir in the red wine, tomatoes and juices, chicken stock and herbs, scraping the bottom of the pan with a wooden spoon to dislodge the brown bits. Bring the mixture to a boil and return the short ribs to the pan. Cover with aluminum foil and place in the oven. Cook for 2 hours, or until the meat is very tender and literally falling off the bones.

Gremolata:

In a small bowl, combine the parsley, lemon zest and horseradish and toss loosely by hand. Place one short rib in each bowl, top with a little of the pan juices and a handful of the gremolata, and serve immediately.

Tasting Notes: When I made this last night, everyone but me loved it. I thought it was so-so. I thought it smelled better than it tasted. BUT... today I warmed it up to take some pictures and eat the leftovers and I loved it. Go figure.

seeing pink

seeing the first pink cherry blossoms is a celebration, a gift.



a reminder that even though it's still cold, warmer days are ahead.



a visual memo that mother nature hasn't abandoned us, really she hasn't.



taken yesterday 2.09.2009

Cinnamon Crumb Surprise

As the lovely Kristen puts it...

If I may shamelessly rip off the best movie quote ever:

"It's 500 pages to good bread, we have a full flour canister, five packages of yeast, the oven's warm and we're wearing aprons . . . HIT IT!"

Click here to begin my Adventures In Bread.

Update: I forgot to type cinnamon in the recipe. How can I forget to do that especially when it's called Cinnamon Crumb Surprise! Thank you for Julia for the head's up. It's official, I suck.


*The topping, oh the topping!

Cinnamon Crumb Surprise: The Bread Bible Page 97-99



Crumb Mixture:

1/4 cup, firmly packed light brown sugar
1 1/2 tablespoons sugar
3/4 pecans, chopped* recipe originally calls for walnuts
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 cup + 2 tablespoons cake flour (bleached all-purpose flour is okay)
3 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted
1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract

Making Crumb Mixture:

In a food processor fitted with metal blade, pulse the sugars, nuts, and cinnamon until nuts are coarsely chopped. RESERVE 1/2 CUP FOR THE FILLING. Add the flour, butter, and vanilla to the remainder of filling and pulse briefly just until the butter is absorbed. Empty it into a bowl and refrigerate for about 20 minutes to firm up, then use you fingertips to form a coarse, crumbly mixture for the topping.


*don't get the two confused.



Apple Filling & Batter:

1 small tart apple, peeled, cored and sliced in 1/4 inch thick slices.
2 teaspoons lemon juice
1 large egg
2 large egg yolks
1/2 cup sour cream
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 1/2 cup of sifted cake flour (bleached all-purpose flour is okay)
3/4 sugar
1/4 teaspoon of baking powder
3/8 teaspoon of baking soda
salt, a scant 1/4 teaspoon
9 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened

Preheat oven to 350 degrees 30 before baking.

Preparing the pan: A 9x5 inch loaf pan, bottom greased and lined with parchment, then sprayed with Baker's Joy or greased and floured (if using a non-stick pan and Baker's Joy, there is no need to line the pan)

Before mixing the batter toss apples with lemon and juice.

In a medium bowl, lightly combine the egg, egg yolks, about 1/4 of the sour cream, and the vanilla.

In a mixer bowl, combine the cake flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Mix on low speed for about 30 seconds to blend. Add the butter and the remaining sour cream and mix until the dry ingredients are moistened. Increase speed to medium if using a stand mixer or high speed if using a hand held mixer and beat for 1 minute to aerate and develop the structure. Scrape down the sides of the bowl. Gradually add the egg mixture in two batches, beating for 20 seconds after each addition to incorporate ingredients and strengthen the structure. Scrape down the sides.

Filling the pan: Scrape about 2/3 of the batter into prepared pan. Smooth the surface. Sprinkle with the reserved 1/2 cup crumb mixture and top with apple slices, arranging them in two rows of overlapping slices. Drop the reserved batter in large blobs over the fruit and spread it evenly over fruit. The batter will be 3/4 inch from the top of the pan. Sprinkle with the crumb topping.



Bake the bread for 50- 60 minutes or until a wooden toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean and the bread springs back lightly in the center. An instant-read thermometer inserted into the center will read about 200 degrees. Tent loosely with buttered foil after 45 minutes to prevent overbrowning.

That's the basic recipe. There is much more about cooling the bread with metal rack and oiled plastic wrap but that was more than my little brain could take.

What I love is that Ms. Beranbaum includes information such as what speeds to mix your bread (if you have a Kitchen Aid she actually tells you what number to put it on). I also love that she tells you why you are mixing for a certain amount of time.

Tasting Notes: Pretty good if I do say so myself. I think my oven needs to be recalibrated. The bread took almost 70 minutes to cook other than that it was cake. Quick bread really but tomato, tomahto. This bread was like apple pie, apple strudel, and apple cake all mixed up into one.



Want to know how serious I am? I wrote in a book! I took notes! I highlighted! Writing in a book, any book is just something YOU. DO. NOT. DO. I felt naughty.

Bread Introduction (On A Mission From God)

So...

How serious am I about learning (conquering my fear/make bread my bitch) to make bread? I am this serious.


606 pages of baking hell or heaven... depending on my mood!

I bought a book called The Bread Bible by Rose Levy Beranbaum. Yeah, I'm serious (I'm on a mission from God. I don't know if I'm Elwood or Jake.) and this book is crazy serious. The French Laundry cookbook is like a comic book compared to this. Sorry, don't smite me down Oh Lord Keller! I understand cooking but I sure in the hell don't understand baking. Some people - cough cough my husband- would say it is because I don't do AUTHORITY/DIRECTIONS very well and baking is all about following directions. Oh shit, I'm screwed.

A little about The Bread Bible for those who are new to the book...

The first 62 pages are all about Genesis i.e. all about yeasts, bacteria, fermentation, poolish, kneading, shaping, equipment, baking, and cooling. Not once does it mention eating the bread. Well, that's no fun. It takes until page 97 to get to the first recipe. That's a lot of info to digest or ferment in your head. (Stop groaning, I know it was a bad pun.)

Each recipe is anywhere from 2-5 pages long. Remember when I said I wasn't good at directions? I also am allergic to recipes that are loooong. It makes me want to break out in hives.

What's cool about this book?

I lied, the recipes are not that long but they contain lots of information... Pointers for success, what to serve with each bread, including wines. That's nifty. Different flours you can use, apparently there are options. Dough Percentages (I'm not sure what I need that for but I know it will come in handy.) Equipment lists. The recipes also include measurements by volume or weight and a glossary and websites for baker's.

The Plan: My plan is to bake a recipe from The Bread Bible and post about it once a week. Now that I typed that, it probably won't happen. Let's shoot for once every couple weeks.

Tomorrow's post will be the first recipe from the book, Cinnamon Crumb Surprise.

There Is An Appropriate Time and Place for Wings

So...

I am a messy eater. A slob if you believe my husband. I try, I mean, I really try to stay neat but it's like I have a hole in my lip. Let's be frank here, it's actually more like a blind 102- year old woman who has really bad palsy and she is trying to feed herself because she is too stubborn to admit she shouldn't be feeding herself type messy. My nightmare is that when I finally get to eat at French Laundry I will either spill some sort of liquid on me or that food will fall from my fork, in slow motion as I watch horrified, simultaneously staining my shirt, pants, and the beautiful freshly ironed white tablecloth. All the while my waiter and table runner are talking to the chefs and the sommelier about the slob on table 5 was raised by cavemen. Then Keller overhears and has to check out the slob on table 5 and then this happens...



See???

And yes, I carry Tide stain sticks everywhere.

So, in Krysta-land, there is an appropriate time and place for things like chicken wings and ribs and that place is called home. Home, where I can change my clothes and have ready access to a washing machine.

Garlic-Parmesan Chicken Wings:

chicken wings or drumettes
olive oil
hot sauce
garlic cloves, peeled & chopped
flat leaf parsley, chopped
grated parmesan cheese
salt and pepper

Add enough olive oil and hot sauce to coat your chicken wings evenly. Then add rest of your ingredients and let marinate chicken wings for at least twenty minutes. Bake in a preheated 400 degree oven for 15-20 minutes. Then run under the broiler for a minute or so to get the chicken skin extra crispy.

Notice how I didn't give you any measurements for anything. This dish is all about your taste. I used about 7 cloves of garlic for about 3 pounds of chicken wings and a third of a cup of hot sauce. I figure if your reading this blog, you know how to cook and are smart enough to not really need a recipe just some guidelines.

Alternate recipe:

Marinate wings in some olive oil, rice wine vinegar, soy sauce, freshly grated ginger, chopped garlic. Cook the same way as above. Some hot mustard dipping sauce and you've got another meal.

I have to leave now, the stain on my shirt is yelling at me.

conversations in the car

"You know all men should have to bleed out of their penis for a week." He tells her trying to get some good husband points and trying hard to show that her that her sympathizes with her struggle.

"You know if men had to bleed out of their penis for a week two things would happen... one, nothing would get done for a week 'cause you would all whine and freak the f*%k out and two, there would be a medicine created so quickly, like within a year, that would stop it from happening. Guys have penis problems and the world stops but if a woman has a low sex drive or what have you... it's okay, it's only a woman. The world revolves around the penis and it sucks. You have to admit I'm right, you have ED meds and enhancement meds and we get "Have a happy period" and new and improved feminine hygiene products. "

"You really wish that sometimes you were born a man."

"On days like today, yes, yes I do.

chocolate tart w/ pretzel crust... update

No funny stories...



Let's just bask in the glory of the tart...



Chocolate Tart with Pretzel Crust:(Food&Wine February 2009)

*note this recipe originally calls for milk chocolate for the ganache filling, i have changed it to semi-sweet. sorry that wasn't made clear. also, i read some reviews of this recipe on line, many people complained that the ganache filling didn't set. i didn't have any problems but the tart did set overnight in the fridge. one last thing, as much as i complained about the crust, this tart was well worth it. i need to make it again... like now!

Crust:

1 stick unsalted butter, softened
1 1/4 cups coarsely crushed thin pretzels (3 1/2 ounces)
3/4 cup confectioners’ sugar
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1 large egg
2 ounces bittersweet chocolate, melted

Filling:

1 1/2 cups heavy cream
12 ounces semi-sweet chocolate, chopped*

In a standing electric mixer fitted with the paddle, beat the butter with 3/4 cup of the pretzels and the confectioners’ sugar at low speed until creamy. Beat in the flour and egg. Add the remaining 1/2 cup of pretzels, being sure to leave some pretzel pieces intact. Flatten the dough between 2 sheets of plastic wrap and refrigerate until chilled, at least 30 minutes.

Preheat the oven to 350°. Roll out the dough between the sheets of plastic wrap to a 12-inch round. Peel off the top sheet and invert the dough over a 10-inch fluted tart pan with a removable bottom. Press the dough into the corners and patch any tears. Trim the overhanging dough and refrigerate the shell for 30 minutes or until firm.

Line the shell with parchment paper and fill with pie weights. Bake for about 30 minutes, until nearly set. Remove the parchment and weights and bake for 10 to 15 minutes longer, until the tart shell is firm; cover the edge with foil if it darkens too much. Let the shell cool completely. Brush the melted chocolate over the bottom and up the side and refrigerate for 10 minutes, until set.

Meanwhile, make the filling: In a medium saucepan, bring the cream to a simmer. Off the heat, add the milk chocolate and let stand for 5 minutes. Whisk until smooth. Transfer the filling to a bowl and let cool to room temperature, about 1 hour.

Pour the filling into the shell and refrigerate until set, at least 4 hours. Sprinkle lightly with sea salt and crushed pretzels.



WARNING: All I want to say is this crust is a high maintenance bitch. I dare you not to curse it out when you invert the dough into the tart pan. I should have known when the directions specifically say, "press the dough into the corners and patch any tears." This dough tore like a pair of cheap panty hose. Um-hmm. I had to make the dough for this crust TWICE. The first time I patched the crust with pretzels because I didn't have enough leftover dough and the second time I doubled the dough recipe just in case. I did need the extra dough and then ate whatever I had left because it is hella good. Yes, I just said hella good. Like I'm going to try to convert the dough recipe, add chocolate chips and make it into a cookie recipe.

Warning II: This recipe is a time sucker. At least 30 minutes to chill the dough. After forming dough in tart pan, chill for 30 more minutes. Bake for 30 minutes, remove weights, then bake for 10-15 minutes more. 10 more minutes for melted chocolate that lines tart to cool. 5 minutes for filling to melt into cream off heat. Another hour for chocolate filling to cool to room temp. Pour chocolate into tart shell and refrigerate until set at least 4 hours.

ALMOST SEVEN HOURS!!! TO WAIT FOR A TART!!!! ARRRRRGGG!



Warning III: The tart shell. Let's talk about the tart shell, shall we? I already mentioned that I made the crust twice. Each time I made it I only baked it for 30 minutes. The first time it was burnt within the 30 minutes and my oven was set at 350. The second time it came out perfect within the 30 minutes. Be vigilant.



Warning IV: Well worth every hour that I waited and waited and waited. Worth that high maintenance bitch of a crust. The ganache was smooth and rich, perfect. And the crust? Perfect. Make sure to sprinkle some crushed pretzels over the tart.



Dear Blogger,

Do you know how many food blogs you host? I speak for food bloggers everywhere that would be very appreciative if you could fix spell check to include words such as ganache, gnocchi, and risotto.

Thank You,

Krysta

Of Virginity and Bread.

*this is how i feel making bread... mildly destructive, somewhat victorious, and not really sure what is going on.

Learning how to bake bread and a making a decent pie crust was a New Years resolution to myself. I mean I have described making bread and pie crust a lot like losing my virginity. Nerve wracking, sweaty, inexperienced. Oh, how accurate I was.

Seriously, a little bit of research on bread on the internet and you get things like; wild yeasts, bacteria, sponge, and hootch. The jokes just write themselves, especially if I tell you I kept reading sponge as spooge. See what I mean by baking is like losing your virginity? All this talk is scary and confusing. It's like listening to all of your "experienced" friends. You are really not sure who's right and who's wrong.

So tomorrow here's what I am going to do, like any good bibliophile, I am going to library and to a couple bookstores and find my Holy Grail. In the meantime, I'm using this sourdough starter recipe from A Southern Grace. It's easy and it's a good starting point. I don't want to fail the first time out and from what all these websites say making a true sourdough starter can be a time consuming and very frustrating experience. Anyways, what's a true sourdough starter?

This bread is a good starting point, you don't have to kneed it and it also needs only one rise, proof, or whatever you want to call it.



English Muffin Bread:

Yield: 2 loaves

2 cups milk

1/2 cup sourdough starter (water also works)

2 tablespoons cornmeal

6 cups of bread flour

2 packages of active dry yeast

1 tablespoon white sugar

2 teaspoons salt

1/4 teaspoon baking soda

Warm the milk and sourdough starter in a small saucepan to about 125 degrees. Lightly grease two 8x4 inch loaf pans: sprinkle cornmeal inside pans.

In a large bowl, mix together 3 cups of flour yeast, sugar, salt and baking soda. Stir milk into the flour mixture; mix well.Stir in the remaining flour, 1 cup at a time, until a stiff batter is formed. Spoon batter into prepared loaf pans. Cover and let rise in a warm spot until nearly doubled in size, about 45 minutes. Meanwhile preheat oven to 400 degrees F.

Bake in preheated oven until golden brown, about 25 minutes. Remove from pans immediately and cool.

Serve toasted with butter, jam, or lemon curd.

On tomorrow's menu: Dark Chocolate Pie w/Pretzel Crust and the world's rudest people with questionable shoe choices. Pictures included!!!