monte cubano sandwiches

(author's note... this post is nsfw. i debated a long time about even putting it up because people i know have personally come up to me and they are reading my blog/or making so-and-so recipe and that has thrown me for a loop. so if i do know you... don't read too much into this and if your kids spend the night i warn them this might happen and that rich will leave the room or my kids will go to theirs or find something to do that will take their friends out of earshot)


Etymology: Latin fanaticus inspired by a deity, frenzied, from fanum temple

definition: marked by excessive enthusiasm and often intense uncritical devotion

Welcome Back Baseball!

Rich is a baseball fan. Well, maybe fan is too light of a word. It doesn't have the heft of what he really is and fanatic really doesn't do it justice either. Let's put it this way he hid his uberfantic tendencies until we were married because I would have seriously considered not marrying him if I knew what I know now. Think of him as a stereotypical Yankee fan and a Red Sox fan rolled into one. When my sous chefs friends come over we warn them that you will hear bad words during a baseball game and it will be loud. Rich will normally go into our bedroom when company is at our house because even he knows that no one wants to hear it but he can't control himself. It's Baseball Tourette's.

So what is it that no one wants to hear?

Rich's Guide of Baseball Insults:(Revised Edition)

The short or long clap: This is just a clap but it has it's own beat. A short clap is good but a long clap (and do I mean long... like all the players have all taken showers and gone to the airport to catch the flight home and he's still sitting there clapping) we know the game or a particular play was good. A job well done.

Jackass: Anybody on the other team that shows up his SF Giants. Particularly any LA Dodger or a LA Dodger fan. Including my best friend, his best friend, my step mom...

"That jackass Manny Rameirez is a cocksucker. He needs to fucking cut his hair."


"Hey Jackass! Your team lost last night."

Now here's where it can get tricky... most of the time you would think that these names would be directed at the other team but no they are not. They are directed to his own team... sometimes as a term of affection but more often than not they are screamed as motivational tool to get his team to play better... like they can hear him yelling through the tv.

Note: Goddamn is used before every insult.

Cocksucker: Error. Okay, that's forgivable. Don't do it again.

"Goddamn cocksucker. Get your glove down next time."

Cocksucker motherfucker: Error/Mental Error. Don't do it again. Big leaguers are not suppose to make that type of error.

"Goddamn cocksucker motherfucker! Stupid base running. Lewis doesn't have his head in the game. Why the fuck was he running?"

Cocksucker motherfucker piece of shit asshole: Error/mental error/stupid error. Go figure it out in the minor leagues, dumbass.

"Goddamn motherfucker piece of shit asshole. What the fuck was he thinking? Throwing that on an 0-2 count."

Cocksucker motherfucker piece of shit asshole dumbass stupid motherfucker: Stupid ass shouldn't play. Just retire.

The above saying is normally reserved for the pitchers and normally when they give up runs in the eighth or ninth inning after the Giants have been leading the whole game. Especially if the pitcher has walked in a run.

But it also is reserved for Barry Bonds when he would nonchalantly jog in the outfield to catch a fly ball and miss.

If that's repeated twice you might want to clear the room.

This is saved for the special times like when Jose Cruz Jr. dropped a ball during the 2002 World Series. Any game in which the Giants lose to the Dodgers.

This is what I have to deal with for 162 games and believe it or not Rich says I'm not a fan because I do not participate in his love of Baseball Tourette's.

Monte Cubano Sandwich: Gourmet March 2009
Serves one

2 slices firm bread
1 to 2 teaspoons mustard
4 or 5 dill pickle rounds
2 slices boiled or baked ham
2 slices smoked turkey
3 thin slices Swiss cheese
1/2 garlic clove
1/2 tablespoon mayonnaise
1 large egg
2 tablespoons whole milk
1 tablespoon unsalted butter

Spread 1 slice of bread with mustard and top with pickles, meats, and cheese. Mince and mash garlic to a paste with a pinch of salt, then mix with mayonnaise. Spread on remaining slice of bread and assemble sandwich. Beat together egg, milk, and 1/8 tsp each of salt and pepper, then soak sandwich in egg mixture. Melt butter in a heavy medium skillet over medium-low heat. Cook sandwich, uncovered, until underside is well browned, about 4 minutes. Flip and cook remaining side, covered, until well browned, 3 to 4 minutes. Remove from heat and let stand, covered, 1 minute.

Tasting Notes: Here's how you eat this sandwich. Make this sanwich then grab a cold beer from the fridge, some chips from the cupboard, then sit on the couch and watch a baseball game and if it all possible try using Rich's Language of Baseball.


tamilyn said...

Oh man, I laughed so hard at this! One more reason I am glad my hubs doesn't like sports. Of course, he has the same stuff come out of his mouth when he is in the shop working on cars. Usually due to things not fitting where they are suppose to, missing parts or continually bumping his head on the frame of a car.

I honestly can't think of a time other than nearly cutting my finger off that I have called anything a cocksucker in the kitchen.

ntsc said...

The last baseball game I watched was game 7 of the 1977 World Series.

My college held the NCAA record for consecutive lost intercolliegete games in basketball. circa 1965.

In football I've seen a game as recently as 91 or 92, but I was working it.

My wife will watch Olympic equestrian and will turn on women's beach volleyball for me. Actually I played volleyball in college along with soccer.

Iron chef is a different matter.

KitchenKiki said...

Ha! We don't have cable, so my husband watching the Twinkies (Minn Twins) lose on the Yahoo baseball page isn't nearly as dramatic. It is hard to yell at a little dot on the screen and the text loses the drama.
He is funny about checking the paper every morning and telling me exactly where they stand and why it is ok for them to lose most of the first half of the season because they will still make it to the playoffs where they will choke.

Maybe I'll make him your sandwich while he watches his dots. It would make him Happy!

Anonymous said...

This is my husband watching the Washington Huskies (college) play anything- softball, football, basketball...

allow me... ahem... "that cocksucker shouldn't have tried to go for the hole, he knew that fucker would block his shit! What was that asshole thinking? Stupid son of a bitch!"

I don't think an intervention will work.

Mayberry Magpie said...

Finally, a lexicon I can sink my teeth into! Rich, me speak your language.

We talk that way at my office where, um, the stress is high. I had no idea baseball prompted such behavior, too.

Louise at Livin Local said...

Tears rolling down my face! To which Rich would surely reply: "Save those cocksucker motherfucker piece of shit asshole tears for something IMPORTANT!" He clearly does not understand the humor and balance your writing brings to me.

Phoo-D said...

I'm laughing silently in my cubicle, with my shoulders shaking and little "eep" "snort" noises escaping involuntarily. I should really wait to read your posts until I'm somewhere safe! Totally hilarious.

SaintTigerlily said...

Is it sad that the only thing I understood about this post was swear words and food references?

Who is Cruz and what is a 2-0?

This coming from a girl - mind you - who once remarked to a friend that it was cool how we let Syria play basketball with our colleges.


Yeah, that would have been Syracuse.

Please don't tell Rich...

Melissa said...

Mayberry Magpie said...
Finally, a lexicon I can sink my teeth into! Rich, me speak your language.


We're pretty crazy about our Lakers. Steve and I can get a bit worked up. On the other hand, we're a lot more analytical and objective than a lot of fans and don't let it get the best of us.

I've been staring at this sandwich on the cover of Gourmet on my dining room table for a week. One of my favorite sandwiches.

Hope you have a GREAT weekend. ;)

Kristin @ Going Country said...

(Commence sarcastic tone HERE.)
SHOCKING. What a potty mouth that man has. My virgin eyes have been defiled.

Ahem. End sarcasm.

I have always wanted to try a Cubano. But it's one of those things that seems too daunting just to gather all the ingredients for, and so I would like to just get it at a restaurant, but the nearest restaurant with a Cubano? Not close. At all. Fuck.

Julia said...

Funny, that's the lexicon I use when I work with my trainer at the gym! I usually replace the cocksucker with the other offensive c-word... but whatever.

Donna-FFW said...

Oh Yea! A blogger with humor, you stole my heart.. LOVE it! Wish I found ya a bit sooner.

tamilyn said...

Okay, I just said all of your husbands words tonight here at work. And I was talking about a co-worker. I feel so much better.

cakeflower said...

That is awesome! :)

Humble Abode said...

i had to show kurt rich's baseball insults. he insists that i'd leave him if he talked to the tv like that. haha.

also, that focaccia recipe was the easiest bread recipe. i totally can't make bread but it worked perfectly. its a brit recipe so here it is 425F for 25 mins. i ignored the olive and parsley and just mixed 12 chopped cloves of roasted garlic to the flour but you could flavour it any way you want.

link to recipe: http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/feb/08/baking-recipe

Snooty Primadona said...

Oh My. It sounds like your hubby & I would get along splendidly while watching the game, lol. My hubby thinks I was raised by sailors and he seldom ever says a curse word. Fortunately, I make up for that. I learned them all in Catholic boarding school....

Fab looking sandwich! This time of year I start making lots of sandwiches after spending long hours planting the fucking garden, so this will come in handy.


Anonymous said...

Hahahah! I thought this was hillarious. And the sandwich looks insane. Monte Cristos are my fav. sandwich...I've got to try this one!

grace said...

yes...i know a few folks who suffer from baseball tourette's. it provides equal amounts of laughter and embarrassment. :)
great sandwich, by the way. it's downright beautiful.

MrOrph said...

So first I'm thinkin' she is definitely talking about me and my, ahem, World Champion Phillies, because I am exactly how you describe. What's worse, You should have heard the words coming out of my wife earlier this week when my Phillies came back from 10-3 to beat her beloved Braves 12-11 - it was NOT good.

Great sandwich isn't? I used that Tuscan Country Loaf bread and got just the right balance of crisp, soft.

Anonymous said...