apple cinnamon chip scones

Read Part One here...

Part Two...

"All our hopes and dreams are tied up in notions about our house and yet it all comes down to dollars and mortgages and credit scores and way too much blind luck. And even when it turns out, it’s still harrowing." - an email sent to me.

On Friday the Thirteenth, we put a offer in on a home. The HOME. (say it like Oprah introducing Brad Pitt. See how much better it sounds?) The home that I wrote about that was just out of our reach. Yeah, that home. The home that had everything on our checklist. Now came the waiting. The sellers realtor was out of town for the weekend and another potential buyer was going to look at it. So it was going to be Monday or possibly Tuesday before we heard any news at all and it could be bad news at that.

On Tuesday, St. Patrick's Day, we still hadn't heard anything from the sellers. But I had something to keep my mind occupied though not in a good way. I had my six month dentist appointment complete with teeth cleaning!!! Whoo-hoo.

I might have a big mouth in the figurative way but in the literal sense of the word I do not have a big mouth and let's top my small mouth with a nice case of TMJ. You can imagine how fun teeth cleaning can be. My normal hygienist is pretty patient and gives me little breathers in between the scraping and flossing and if she's feeling in a particularly good mood a nice little jaw massage (that sounds disgusting but is really quite innocent). By the time I'm done I have a massive migraine and my teeth and jaws hurt for days afterward. Oh and did I mention I have to pre-med before all of this? I have to take a nice bout of antibiotics before I even enter the dentists office. So antibiotics, Imitrex and 4 Advils just to visit the dentist office. Fun, I tell you.

I didn't have my normal hygienist, I had a hygienist that looked like a nice white haired older gentlewoman who calls you my love and my dear. That's a subterfuge because....

...in reality she was more like this dude.

She was fucking sadistic evil whore.

It started out with my near drowning when she put the rinse/drool sucker thingy in my mouth and stuck it down my throat. (Sorry family for this next part of this sentence) but it was like being on the giving end of a really bad blow job that you wish would end. Then that evil whore used an ultrasonic teeth cleaning device instead of the metal hook. The ultrasonic teeth cleaning device sounds like a dentist drill but at a much higher pitch and it doesn't ever fucking stop until it gets every little speck of plaque in your mouth. I also forget to mention it shoots water everywhere! My glasses and face where speckled with plaque, drool, water, and whatever other foreign matter I had hiding in my mouth. Then, when she polishes my teeth the tooth polisher slips and tore up the roof of my mouth. Let's just say when she was done I jumped out of the chair and went home without so much as a thank you or goodbye.

When Rich and I came home from that abortion of a teeth cleaning (really, what else could you call it?) There was a package sitting on our doorstep.

To be concluded Friday.

Ah, scones! I finally found a scone recipe that even I couldn't screw up. Found in A Homemade Life By Molly Wizenburg or otherwise known as Orangette. What a beautifully written and slyly funny book.

Scottish Scones: Adapted from A Homemade Life page 174

2 cups of unbleached all purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon of salt
4 tablespoons (2 ounces) of cold unsalted butter, cut into 1/2 inch cubes
3 tablespoons sugar
1 granny smith apple, peeled, cored and chopped into tiny bite sized pieces
6 ounces of cinnamon chips
1/2 cup of half and half, plus more for glazing
1 large egg

Pre-heat oven to 425 degrees.

In a large bowl, whisk together the flour, baking powder, and salt. Using your hands, rub the butter into the flour mixture, squeezing and pinching with your fingertips until the mixture resembles a coarse meal and there are no butter lumps bigger than a pea. Add sugar, apples and cinnamon chips and stir just enough to incorporate it all together.

Pour 1/2 cup of half-and-half into a small bowl or measuring cup and add the egg. Beat with a fork to mix well. Pour the wet ingredients into the flour mixture, and stir gently to just combine. The dough will look dry and shaggy, and there may be some unincorporated flour at the bottom of the bowl. Using your hands, squeeze and press the dough into a rough mass. Turn the dough, and any excess flour, out onto a board or countertop, and press and gather and knead it until it just comes together. You don't want to overwork the dough; ideally, do not knead more than 12 times. There may be excess flour that is not absorbed, but it doesn't matter. As soon as the dough holds together, pat it into a rough circle about 1 inch thick. Cut the circle into 8 wedges.

Place the wedges on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper or silicone baking mat. Pour a splash of half-and-half into a small bowl. Using a pastry brush, gently brush the tops of the scones with a thin coat to glaze. Bake for 10 to 14 minuets, or until pale golden. Transfer them to a wire rack to cool slightly, and serve warm, with butter, if you like.

Tasting Notes: To be honest at first the sous chefs and I were a little doubtful of the cinnamon chips. We thought that they were going to be little balls of waxy fake cinnamony badness but everyone was shocked when they turned out really good. I think we were all shocked that I didn't make scones that were a FAIL.


The Cutting Edge of Ordinary said...

I'm not laughing at you....I'm laughing with you, honest. Damn girl you can tell a story.

I am half way through Mollys book now and I want to make every recipe that I've read. Scones look awesome.

Julia said...

Congrats on finally succeeding on scones! I knew there had to be a silver lining to your day.

SaintTigerlily said...

I was dreading this post since you dangled the idea of a dental-related post in front of me.

The scones look delicious, if it is any consolation.

Also: I want a jaw massage! WTF!?

Mama Goose said...

Damn! I can't wait until Friday!! But I guess if I have to, I'll make scones until then.

Anonymous said...

I've had dental appointments like that. After years, I finally found a dentist that will knock my ass out. Bliss.

Now I'm dying to hear the rest of the story on the house! I assume you got it...?

Cinnamon chips?

MichelleB said...

Yes, you are truly evil. Not evil enough to deserve that horrible teeth cleaning adventure, but evil nonetheless.

Anonymous said...

I truly feel your pain.

I, too, have TMJ. And I have bad gums. Terrible, horrible, white-trash gums. And so I have to have the ultra-sonic cleaning FOUR TIMES A YEAR! The only good thing is that I have a great hygienist and she turns the gas on full blast, and I breath very deeply, and two weeks ago I slept through the whole miserable affair. Then I went home and took a Lortab and slept another six hours. My jaw hurt for two weeks, though.

P.S. Your story-telling is kicking ass these days. I never want to hear another self-deprecating word from you about your writing.

Lisa said...

I swear the nice lady with white hair is my Dead Aunt Ina. Creepy! I hate anything dental. The smell, the noise, the pain...ick.

pam said...

I don't have tmj, but I have hugely sensitive gums. My hygenist and I have to take breaks too, to take deep breaths. She finally started giving me gas, so I am in a nice buzz during the whole thing. Much better.

Anonymous said...

Ha! I only thought my hygenist was bad! They can be ruthless! I think it's a power thing. I have a pretty bad anxiety problem when it comes to sitting in that chair. On my last visit, my hygenist told me to take a half a Xanax before I go see her next time! Nice!

Anonymous said...

nice photo and all.. but in no way are they scones...

you have been misled...

Check out picture 3 here for what a REAL scone should look like


Further proof of USA yukkiness scones can be found here


krysta said...

so what exactly is wrong with my scone?

that i broke it into pieces to fit on the plate and to add some visual interest or that it isn't round or that i added cinnamon chips and apples or that i'm not full blood english woman so i'll never be able to make a scone? because the scottish in me will not like it if it's that last answer...

inquiring minds have to know... what in the heck is wrong with my scone?

Anonymous said...

We have the same dentist. I recognize him, having just been yesterday.

He is married to my hand therapist, so I'm paying both sides of the family to hurt me and have since the early 90s. At least she is cute and tends to lean over a lot. I have told her that if she wore black leather and carried a quirt she could charge more. And she has been known to come to work as a Dominatrix on Halloween, he has been both a pirate and Superman.

Of course my wife says he is cute and he tends to greet her in the waiting room with 'I think your husband is seeing too much of my wife'.

Melissa said...

Sorry family for this next part of this sentence

Haha! But the rest of the sentence was true! Heh.

I assume you got it. A package has to be a good sign.

As for the bitchy going on...

There is nothing wrong with her fucking scone. You're just another great example of how people get so strung up on authenticity that they can't just appreciate when someone makes something that tastes good. Good food is good food. Are you also going to go tell Molly that her book is shit because she called something a scone that YOU or your parents don't think is a REAL scone? A scone is a scone because of its cooking method and components, not the shape it takes. So fuck off.

P.S. I also know how scone is pronounced by the majority of the world. Not all of us are the idiots you seem to presume we are in your post. Foodies on the whole are a pretty well-informed bunch.

Okay, NOW fuck off.

Anonymous said...

Melissa, whoever in the hell you are, I'm digging you. You rock.

Melissa said...

HAHA!! Thanks MM. I've seen you on Krysta's for, like, ever. You're the awesomeness. :)

I'm Melissa aka Alosha aka the Zan to Krysta's Jayna. ;)

Snooty Primadona said...

Sorry, but I laughed my ass off! I had to have a *deep cleaning* at the Periodontist's last year before I went for my root canal (another funsy time). Now, I'm thinking I can buy the little tools & do it my damn self! Apparently, my lady moved to your neck of the woods. Aaaaaargh!

Amen Melissa! Krysta, aren't good friends the best? Critics do nothing but just piss me off! Melissa is right. It's the ingredients, not the shape. Not all of us square pegs can fit into round holes.

Lisa said...

Honest? they were really good? When I think of cinnamon chips I really do imagine waxy balls of fake cinnamony badness. Once I ate them and that's the way they tasted, but then maybe they were just old or something. Your scones LOOK wonderful!

Sorry about your dental trauma!

noble pig said...

You got the house didn't you? Didn't you?

michael, claudia and sierra said...

house? no house?

and wtf is a cinnamon chip?