when it comes to parenting it's funny what we don't speak aloud. we don't want to talk about how hard it is being a parent. sure, we'll talk about the shiny stuff, the gloss of parenting; good things, the accomplishments. we'll talk about how hard labor was. that is the fun stuff, it's the woman's equivalent to the testosterone filled locker room and shooting the shit bar talk. we gather around listening to latest tale being told, laughing, nudging the friend next to us "can you believe that?" nodding in agreement that we have all been through this together. a special club.
but after the labor tales and the shiny stuff, the heavenly choirs stop singing and real life kicks in. very few of us want to discuss how hard the rest of the day-to-day mommyhood is. the things that make us want to poke our eyes with a dull pencil and run shrieking out into the night never to be heard from again.
if we talk about this, the mood in the locker room changes. no longer are we laughing and shaking our heads in agreement. we now nudge the person next to us shaking our heads in judgement and say "what a horrible mom." and we lie to ourselves "not my johnny or suzy. they would never talk back, have bad grades, throw a fit in the middle in of the grocery store." we don't want to admit it's not all easy and shiny.
on saturday, on a day we are suppose to celebrate love, i felt like the worst mom ever. my kids broke me down and ground me up. i had had enough of everything, their needs and wants, their constant bickering, walking away mumbling behind my back. it was all too much and i cried in front of them, while yelling, which is such an ugly combination. all the frustration coming up in a tsunami wave of grief and anger. i hate crying, especially in front of them. i can only name one other time i have done it. i feet weak and like i'm guilt tripping them into being good for a few hours at most. maybe it's a good thing for them to see, maybe it's a good thing to admit. i'm not sure. i do feel like everyone is judging and that my membership to mommyhood is seriously in question right about now.