1/22/09

If It's Not One Thing, It's Another...

I am afraid to even touch my computer. I lost over half my photographs. That's over 1000 photos. Most of them were for a project I am doing for my daughters soccer team. Way to fuck it all up Krysta! Woo-Hoo.

I am having sexual fantasies about the crew from This Old House. Right now nothing would be sexier than a guy in a flannel shirt-no ass-plummer's butt-tool belt wearing guy with a Northeastern accent. I would have sex with him right there on the front porch if they would fix everything that is wrong with this house! And I think Rich would let me just so he can get out of fixing something, anything.

And add to that sexual fantasy, someone wearing a pocket protector that could give me all my photos back, give me more memory, and a wicked fast computer.

Is it illegal to trade sex for services rendered? If both parties agree to it... there shouldn't be a problem, right?

I would give up my left pinkie if my kids could get along for 24 hours... straight. I'm thinking of selling you to the highest bidder if you don't shut up already! My god, I could stab my eardrums out with a dull pencil.

I'd give my right pinkie if the loan lady would call back and that house would come on the market. (Mom, get the axe ready!)

And to the dude who carded me. You're joking, right? Kids don't buy expensive bottles of bourbon that have been aged for a decade. They buy the cheap ass shit because a.) that's all they can afford and b.) they want to get drunk fast with some nasty ass tasting shit like Mickey's Big Mouth. If you're trying to flirt, get a better line. If not, then you a dumb shit. I have white hair that you can see, for christ sake. I look older than 21, dumbass. It makes me want to reach over the counter and slap you for being a fucking moron.

I forgot the potato ho down... again. I am not worthy of being a ho. It's pathetic.

My little chihuahua snores louder than my husband.

Can you get the vocal cords removed from a cat without it being called animal cruelty? Because if she jumps on me and starts meowing in my face in the middle of the night while I am sleeping one more time, I am going to get all Jean Claude Van Damme on her ass.

If the kid I give a ride to school every Thursday morning doesn't start being on time and saying thank you for the ride once in a while, I might have push him out of the car while I'm going 25 miles per hour just to teach him some manners. Little punk.

Any rants you'd like to share?

31 comments:

Lunch Buckets said...

true...true...

Laura said...

no. i think you pretty much covered the ranting for today.
did you hear the gasp of horror coming from manteca over your lost pictures. that really sucks. i'm sorry.

Lisa said...

Not your pictures??? Shit, I wish I could send my computer guru over to help you! That totally sucks.

Emma said...

Oh. My. You have all my sympathy. Hope someone can whisk them out of the atmosphere (or whatever) for you.

ntsc said...

For years we lived in a Brownstone with the top floor totally open, well bath with washer/dryer in one corner of the back. This also serve as the master bedroom, via a sleeping loft at the tall end.

The cats quickly learned that the head of the bed was off-limits. They came up there and they got thrown off an 7 foot loft. Flying lessons we called it.

We have had parties for 40 in our bedroom.

Snooty Primadona said...

We have a cat who likes to *make bread* on my damn stomach, so she gets shut out of the bedrooms at night. Crazy bitch. But, I think our husbands must be related because they certainly do think alike.

Kristin said...

How can you be willing to trade sex for home improvements, and yet say you're not worthy of being a ho? HAAAAA.

Also, I would just like to state for the record that breeding dogs on purpose is the stupidest fucking thing EVER. We have a (presumably) pregnant dog. (NOT MY IDEA.) We have two other female dogs. All three dogs are fighting like . . . well, like bitches. ALL THE TIME. Trust me, you do NOT want to try to step in the middle of a fight between three 50-pound dogs with very large teeth. Even if they do look like Lassie.

Where have my fluffy, sweet puppies gone? And can I throw the pregnant dog in the lake without anyone noticing?

tamilyn said...

Seriously, I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I think I have had about all of those rants myself-except for the loan one since I worked for the loan lady, but that is neither here nor there. Not that I don't LOVE my children, but we always told the youngest that she shouldn't worry about being abducted because the kidnappers would return her in an hour just so she would SHUT UP. Ahh, so glad I'm not alone. Could you tell me how to get them to load the frigging dishwasher as they are stacking glasses like the Jenga game and complaining that all the forks are dirty. PUT THEM IN THE DISHWASHER! If you can figure out how to pull the fork from the drawer and put it in your mouth, you can reach over, pull down the door, drop that Mofo in the basket and shut the door. Anyone else have this issue?

Oh Krysta, I'm sure you are an awfully fine ho.

MeadowLark said...

I hate people (male and female) who think they're doing me a favor by carding me and saying "we card under 30". I just stared at this one guy and said "Dude... I'm frickin' 45. Surely you're not that blind and stupid". He just blinked, looked away and sold me the booze. Hey frick-tard, I look EXACTLY what I am. Stop pissing on my leg and telling me it's raining. GRRRRRR.

SaintTigerlily said...

You are having quite the week!

The only, ONLY, reason I dislike Vermont is that their liquor laws are so kooky I am constantly carded there. They just do it in this really spiteful awful way "sorry it's the law" and then I have to drive ALL THE WAY BACK UP TO THE HOUSE to get my ID.

And then my head explodes.

Also: let's invent barkless cats, we will be rolling in $.

imom said...

I did my ranting yesterday!

I really feel for you losing your photos, that just plain sucks!

Cheryl said...

Girl you need a massage, or something. I hope all is well in your world soon. p.s. I will take one kid off your hands!

Anonymous said...

Sorry your day was crappy, Krysta. Being significantly closer to 50 than to 21, I must admit I NEVER mind if someone cards me. If someone actually thinks I look like I could be 30 or under, I'll take it, cuz those days will be gone soon enough.
I hate it that people are "concerned citizens" if they make complaints about dogs barking during the daytime when people are awake and at work, but they are "[nasty names]" if they make complaints about colicky, shrieking, screeching, wailing babies waking the whole block up at 2:30 am when people are sleeping.

Anonymous said...

Sorry your day was crappy, Krysta. Being significantly closer to 50 than to 21, I must admit I NEVER mind if someone cards me. If someone actually thinks I look like I could be 30 or under, I'll take it, cuz those days will be gone soon enough.
I hate it that people are "concerned citizens" if they make complaints about dogs barking during the daytime when people are awake and at work, but they are "[nasty names]" if they make complaints about colicky, shrieking, screeching, wailing babies waking the whole block up at 2:30 am when people are sleeping.

phillygirl64 said...

ROFL

I'll never be able to look at the gang from TOH the same way ever again

{{{ecm}}}

biz319 said...

Bummer about the pictures! My kids help me whenever I have problems.

My sister has three kids and I don't think any of them can get along for 24 minutes let alone 24 hours!

And yes, I'd kick that kid to the curb, maybe at 15 mph though!

It's Friday - have a cocktail!

cook eat FRET said...

is it wrong of me t say that i thoroughly enjoyed the update?

if it makes you feel better i have the same fucking loud mouth cat as you...

cook eat FRET said...

oh and

if it's not one thing, it's your mother

mine just visited for 3 days
not fun

Mayberry Magpie said...

If somebody around this damn house doesn't start picking up the shit I'm leaving.

That's my rant. I work all day, sometimes well into the night, and I come home and EVERYBODY'S sitting around amid the shit like nobody sees it.

Me? I'd have sex with any creature that would pick up a freakin' dirty sock or dish.

Jane said...

OMG. I'm so sorry for your photo loss. I was writing a novel once and lost an entire chapter of it, after sweating blood for those words and spending so many days getting them down on my computer. Another woman I know lost AN ENTIRE NOVEL once due to a defective computer. So I definitely feel your pain.

But thank you. Thank you for such a funny post. Isn't it a bitch that your pain becomes my giggle for the day?

You're a great writer. I love your posts--keep up the great work!

katie said...

I am sorry the photos are lost, hopefully they can be found? Nothing makes me crazier than computer trouble, except possibly for Cathy's appliance trouble.

Louise at Livin Local said...

Ok, it took me a full 48 hours to be able to comment due to the waterfall of tears running down my face during your rant. The photo stuff suck-diddly-ucks for sure!

Music Food and Love said...

Sorry to hear from all this, I hope you feel better now.
Each time I fell like ranting like a mad woman, I get some chocolate fix. Works every time.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

Sorry about your pics. I have to drive a smelly kid to and from school. Can he not use DEODORANT? And no, he never, ever says thank you for the ride. He makes me gag while I'm driving. Really! I position the vent to blow right on my face with fresh air but he stinks so bad I gag anyway.

asthmagirl said...

I am sorry about your pics and your snoring Chihuahua. What's wrong with your computer?

My rant? Blogger eating my f'ing comments all the time by telling me I just created a duplicate comment. I hate Blogger.

coffee and queso said...

Raaarrrr!!!!

How about if my fucking counter concrete artist fucks up the counter a THIRD time and I have to go without a functioning kitchen for another month, I'm going to lose it! That, and I'll write some really detailed and frosty reviews on all the local websites. Nyah, nyah!

giz said...

Your life sounds pretty darned normal to me. Try condo living when the guy down the hall cooks Chinese medicine at 1 a.m. and it smells like there are dead bodies in the hallway. Waking up with a dog's butt in your face is always a pleasant experience and really, you wouldn't even be waking up if not for the hacking and snoring.

melissa said...

Ah, K, you always bring out the rants in people. Hee.

I'm really sorry about your photos. And everything going on at your house. And your kids being fighting maniacs.

About the carding - I got really fucking pissed one time when I got carded for smokes. Hello! Annoying. And no, I'm not still smoking. For now.

Other than that, I could RANT AND RANT about my boss and my new office move and all that crap, but you already knew about that. I.need.a.break.

Hang in there, love.

Snooty Primadona said...

I keep forgetting the ho-down too. I'm afraid it might be old age. As in senior moments. Ugh!

Last year I lost about half of my photos, but they weren't of anything important like soccer. When our daughter still played soccer digitals were still new & not so great. But, you took on a helluva a job lady! Hope you can retrieve some of them...

peter said...

I just put up a rant of sorts over on my blog. Our cat finally knows better than to yowl in the middle of the night, but it took a long time and lots of ear-flicking, cursing, and thrown laundry.

Did I mention that my real name is Nom?

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