Armageddon Outta Here

What happens when you listen to the band Cake when you make brownies?

"Apparently the apocalypse" or so Nancy says.

Let's list everything that has happened since we last made these brownies.

• Hot water handle in the shower broke...twice.

• This was the temperature in the kitchen... at 2:30 in the afternoon...(Take that Kristin! Not as cold as Blackrock but I do live in California. Shocking, I know!)

• While Nancy was helping me make these brownies, she dropped a brand new 10lb. package of flour on the kitchen floor.

• This also happened...

• I have ran out of olive oil, eggs, flour (duh), and paper towels... something that never happens unless there's an apocalypse at hand.

• The dining room light switch is broken.


• My next door neighbor side-swiped my car. Not too bad but enough that insurance and a visit to the body shop are in my imminent future unless the apocalypse happens first.

Never listen to Cake while making brownies, nothing good can come out of it. Except singing "Healthy breasts that bounce!" That is fun to sing, just try not to do it in the express lane at the grocery store. It can be a little embarrassing. Then again maybe nothing good can come out of listening to Cake.

Before I start, I need to disclose that there are obscene amounts of butter and chocolate... like a Paula Deen recipe. Some people say she's the apocalypse but I think all the butter, mayo, and fried stuff are just a way of showing her love for us. Because nothing says love more than a quadruple by-pass.

Armageddon Outta Here Brownies: (loosely based on Ina Garten Outrageous Brownies, The Barefoot Contessa Cookbook)

1 pound unsalted butter
1 pound plus 12 ounces Hershey's Special Dark chocolate chips, divided
6 ounces bittersweet chocolate
6 extra-large eggs
2 tablespoons real vanilla extract
2 1/4 cups sugar
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour, divided (1 cup for batter and 1/2 cup in the chips and nuts)
1 tablespoon baking powder
1 teaspoon kosher salt

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease and flour a 13 by 18 by 1 1/2-inch sheet pan. Melt together the butter, 1 pound chocolate chips, and unsweetened chocolate on top of a double boiler. Cool slightly. Stir together the eggs, vanilla and sugar. Stir in the warm chocolate mixture and cool to room temperature. Stir together 1 cup of the flour, baking powder and salt. Add to cooled chocolate mixture. Add 12 ounces of chocolate chips with 1/2 cup flour to coat. Then add to the chocolate batter. Pour into prepared pan. Bake for twenty minutes, then rap the baking sheet against the oven shelf to force the air to escape from between the pan and the brownie dough. Bake for about 15 minutes more, until a toothpick comes out clean. Allow to cool thoroughly, and cut into 20 large squares.

Tasting Notes: You need a glass of milk with these brownies, is all I'm saying.


Kristin said...

Um, Krysta? I might be more impressed by the relative chill of your kitchen were I actually able to see the temperature in that photo. I'm sure it was cold, though. I sympathize with anyone who has a cold house--this is not a contest.

What am I talking about? EVERYTHING is a contest, and I WIN. Though this is one contest I might be quite happy to lose, actually.

Lisa said...

Damn, Krysta! At least you're getting past all your most annoying and bad accidents for 2009 over in the first week.

asthmagirl said...

Are you kidding me? A pound of butter? Any recipe that starts with "a pound of butter" is totally tempting.

I'll be dreaming of these tonight.

Why is your kitchen so cold?

PS~ I'm totally out of butter. Christmas baking wiped me out!

Grace said...

you like cake? i love cake! both the band and the food item. :)
hilarious yet unfortunate post, krysta, and these brownies are worth every calorie. :)

Cheryl said...

I think my cholesterol went up 10 points by just looking at this, delish!

mindy said...

whoa. all that happened last i made brownies was sobering up and sleep. guess i just needed the right musical accompaniment.

jack's utter lack of surprise said...

gah. i hate when all kinds of unusual bad news things happen at once. poor krysta!

EAT! said...

you ran out of paper towels!??! that would be enough to send me into a tailspin along with running out of milk when I need one of those brownies right now.

Mayberry Magpie said...

I would totally lick those brownies off your floor. Not kidding. Might even lick up the milk if you were running low or something.

Sorry about all the broken shit. I feel your pain. Remember when two of my appliances went before Christmas (garbage disposal and dishwasher)? Well the third -- the CLOTHES WASHER -- is on it's last leg. Sounds like a helicopter landing when it spins. Woo hoo! More expenses!

Jamie said...

First - everything happens at once. No way around it!

Second - Outrageous is absolutely right! Gotta show the photo of these amazing brownies to my son Simon and he'll be begging for them. Thanks for a great and dangerous recipe.

Debbie said...

Mmmm - those brownies sound absolutely worth it!

Laufa said...

They look delicious, I might have to try them. I have one of those kind of weeks too.

Jack said...

Sheep Go to Heaven! Goats go to Hell! Those brownies look worth a kitchen apocalypse.

Music Food and Love said...

I wouldn't mind having an apocalypse like yours if it means getting such delicious looking brownies. this recipe is going straight to my favorites list.

Caroline said...

I am salivating! Can you actually break a resolution to lose weight virtually?? Holy crap, those look so good!

tamilyn said...

I'm sorry, none of the bad experiences are funny.......but I am laughing anyway. I think you should have taken a picture of the side-swiped car. And to Jack? What does 'sheep go to heaven, goats go to hell' even mean? Poor goats, what did they do to deserve that?

Krysta said...

tamilyn... sheep go to heaven goats go to hell is a biblical reference but also lyrics to a song by cake... and i wasn't clever enough to write about it or even think about putting the two together!

(hitting head on desk!)

well done ol' chap! (jack)

Lunch Buckets said...

note to self: cake is for eating NOT for listening - thanks for the heads up!

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Oh god those look good. I've got Seven Layer Bars left over in my fridge from the party no one came to. Maybe after my body process the sugar from those I'll make a batch of these.

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