Hell Froze Over Today...

Sing-a-long!

Pull the string and I'll wink at you, I'm your puppet

I'll do funny things if you want me to, I'm your puppet

I'll be yours to have and to hold

Darling you've got full control of your puppet

James & Bobby Purify; I'm Your Puppet

This is actually one of my favorite songs and I specifically called this little event Puppet Master just so I could use this song. Now, I probably won't be yours to have and to hold. Rich might get a little bit jealous and you won't have full control because I am a slippery little hellion trouble maker, you'll see why in a second... but you get the gist. Monday's dish is brought to you by the letters N & P and the number 1.

Fish Tacos w/mango salsa was the winner for my picks for dinner. You spoke loudly and said "Krysta, you are making Fish Tacos! We want to see your husband mad as hell because he hates fish." Okay, you didn't say that and I didn't tell you that he doesn't like fish but what you and him don't know won't hurt all ya all. Anyways, this is kinda fun. See what a pain in the ass I am. Be glad you don't live with me or that I don't raise your kids or run a daycare. I do things like this and offer up advice like rule #3... Never take pictures or video of you naked or having sex (unless you're a porn star). It will always get out into the real world, when you least expect it. Yeah, the advice is practical but try telling it to a ten year old. All you get is a lot of "yuck...gross...MOOOOOOOOM!" Try it. it's fun.

Fish Tacos w/ Mango Salsa: courtesy of Cathy-my Miss Potato-Big Pimpin'- Piggy

Mango-Avocado Salad

Makes about three cups

Combine:

1 ripe, yet firm mango, peeled, diced
½ cup grape tomatoes, halved
½ cup cucumber, diced
¼ cup red onion, minced
1 T. jalapeno, seeded, minced
1 t. sugar
¼ t. kosher salt
¼ t. ground cumin
Juice of one lime

Before serving, Stir in:

1 firm, yet ripe avocado, pitted, peeled, thinly sliced
2 T. coarsely chopped cilantro

Combine mango, tomatoes, cucumber, onion, jalapeno, seasonings and lime juice in a large bowl. Let stand 10 minutes (or longer) to blend flavors.

Before serving, stir in avocado and cilantro.

Creamy Chipotle Sauce

Makes about ½ cup

Stir Together:

¼ cup plain lowfat yogurt
¼ cup mayonnaise
2 t. sugar
1-2 chipotle chilies in adobo sauce, minced
Juice of ½ lime

Stir all ingredients together in a small bowl and adjust seasonings to taste. Let stand at least 10 minutes to blend flavors. 9Can make days ahead and keep chilled till serving).

Fish Tacos

Makes 4 servings

Marinate in lime juice:

Four 4 oz. fresh tilapia fillets, halved

Blend; Coat Fish In:

3 T. all-purpose flour
3 T. yellow cornmeal
1 t. chili powder
1 t. kosher salt
¼ t. cayenne

Spray, then oven-toast:

8 7" corn tortillas

Serve with:

3 cups Napa cabbage, shredded…Mango-avocado salsa and chipotle sauce.

Preheat oven to 500 degrees with racks on the top and bottom levels.
Marinate tilapia in lime juice for 10 minutes turning to coat. Place a baking sheet on each oven rack and preheat 5 minutes.

Blend flour, cornmeal and seasonings in a shallow dish. Coat marinated fish on both sides with flour mixture. Remove a hot pan from oven and spray with nonstick spray. Place fillets on hot pan and roast on top rack 5 minutes.

Spray both sides of tortillas with nonstick spray. (I swear this works). (Meanwhile carefully turn fish over and return to oven 3-4 minutes). Oven-toast tortillas on the second heated baking sheet after turning the fillets over. Toast tortillas just until light and crispy, 2-3 minutes.
Serve fish with cabbage, salsa and chipotle sauce.

*Tasting Notes... First, I didn't have grape tomatoes for the Mango Avocado salsa, sue me. I used regular tomatoes. Good but I think it definitely needs the bite of the grape tomatoes. Second... As a bad Mexican by marriage, I hate chipotle chilies in adobo. How can this be? This is where I adapted the recipe... see I'm wily this way. I used my own chili spice mix and some Tapatío hot sauce. It was just fine. This is the point in the blog where Cathy is beating up her computer and yelling at the screen...

"Damn it, Krysta! The whole point of this social experiment was to follow directions! I'm the pimp in this relationship."

Ooops... my bad. Not really and speaking of 'my bad' my kids are going to give me so much crap about saying 'my bad'. I absolutely hate that saying, it's such a sarcastic anti-apologetic saying. Ugh.

Back to dinner... it was good, really good, so much so that Rich ate fish and liked it! Cathy, you are now an honorary Evil Sous Chef because your recipe got The Man to eat fish and also eat seconds! That's no mean feat! You don't even know...the world stopped, hell froze over and the sous chefs gave him a sitting ovation.

Well played Cathy, well played!

Happy Birthday Katie Kat!

*if you don't know Katie's story...click here and read that first.


Happy Birthday Monkey Butt! Yes, I just called my daughter a monkey butt. In Chinese astrology, she's born in the Year of the Monkey and it couldn't be more fitting. She's chatty, clever, witty, and steals food off your plate. Seriously... hide your food, because if that little tidbit sitting on your plate for more than an extra second longer than necessary, she'll snatch that delectable morsel right out from under your nose! Bad Monkey!

She's my Audrey Hepburn in Converse! Drama Queen Galore, that would be her drag queen name. Katie has a personality that you either love or hate and she'll talk to anybody, after she shakes your hand and introduces herself. What a politician. Not so good at math, but really good at chemistry. It rained on the day she was born. Likes the color orange. Is always smiling. Favorite food is sushi. Could tell you Obama's platform by heart, which drives her conservative dad CRAZY! also wanting to go to Berkeley is also driving him to an early grave. Damn Liberals! (score; Mom: 1... Dad (not Rich)...0) So what I guess what I am trying to say...

Katie, everyday blows me away! You are turning into a young, beautiful, and graceful woman more and more right in front of my eyes. You are much more poised that I ever was or will be. I know I lucked out when you came around because the odds were bad and here came this little happy, forgiving, and most importantly healthy baby. Even with that ugly witch toe, I would never trade you in!

Mom's 16 for Katie's 16...

1. Always forward, never retreat!

2. Never get into a car with a stranger, you go out fighting.

3. Never take pictures or video of you naked or having sex (unless you're a porn star). It will always get out into the real world, when you least expect it.

4. Never yell 'Help!' Always yell 'Fire!'

5. Trust your instincts, they are always correct.

6. The world is yours for the taking but it takes hard work.

7. Never date a man who you wouldn't be proud to call his son yours.

8. Always question everything.

9. It's always harder to do the right thing.

10. It's also harder to be kind, caring, patient, and generous.

11. Do the hard stuff. See rules 9&10. It also includes homework and chores.

12. Manners are the moisturizer of life.

13. If it smells like fish, then it's not good.

14. If somebody doesn't love you for who you are (ugly toe and all), then they are not worthy of your time or your heart.

15. There is nothing wrong for wanting to be a better person.

16. Never stop wanting to learn because the day that happens you are dead as a human being.

one to grow on...

17. No matter what.... I love you.*

*except... maybe I won't... if you turn out to be a serial killing, live in a shack uni-bomber, drug lord, dictator Jim Jones type. I might have to question my love for you.

Happy Sweet Sixteenth Kiddo!

Letters...

Dear Lady at Peets Coffee,

Hey! I was standing in line getting a large coffee to bake a cake. It's the best cake in the whole wide world, I'd offer you a piece if you weren't such a rude bitch. I didn't know that they were going to offer me a free bag of coffee. I mean who in the world does that? Since I don't drink coffee, I thought I might earn some good karma points by asking if you wanted it... but damn lady don't just snatch it off the counter without saying thank you. I could have had a giveaway on my blog but I thought I'd be nice.

Enjoy the coffee,

ECM

Dear Target Cashier,

I know your job is hard. I know, really, I know. I put my time in at Target. Cashier, Front Lanes Supervisor, Customer Service. Some people are stupid, mean, demanding, and just not all around pleasant. I try my hardest to be polite but I really want to reach over and strangle you when you ask this question..."Do you want me to put your stuff in these?" These meaning my eco friendly Target bags. Umm, no. I just brought them for the health of the planet, they are strictly decorative.

Thank You for Shopping at Target,

Ex-Cashier Store #853


Dear Mother Nature,

I know that some whack-a-doo Bible toting freak hiding out in a shack is happy to see California burning. Whatever. But could you send us some rain, please? Actually wind, lots of wind.

See the air for the six days straight has been like pea soup. Heavy, thick, overcast, but you knew this already. Streetlights are on during the day, that's how overcast it's been. The air is orange, it made that picture of radishes look all weird. That can't be good, can it? I know you've got flooding going on and other things but if you could press the button that turns on the wind, I'm sure many people in the Valley would appreciate it.

Hoping for blue skies soon,

K

Dear Baking Goddess,

Please let Katie's mini birthday cakes turn out well. It is her sweet 16 and I gave that mean lady at Peets my free bag of coffee. Can I redeem my good karma points for baking points?

Covered in flour, your humble servant,

Krysta

Dear Muse,

Where have you gone? My pictures look funky, food hasn't tasted good, words aren't coming to me easily. Have I done something to offend you?

I miss you,

K

Bogeyman Brownies

Okay, business first... if you have recipes that won Puppet Master and you haven't sent me your recipes or where to find them on your blog, my sous chefs will starve because I need to go grocery shopping and to go grocery shopping I have to know what I need.

Cathy at Noble Pig has introduced a new monthly blogging event called Potato Ho Down. That's right Potato Ho's, there is a new event just for you. Every third Wednesday of the month submit your favorite potato recipe with your Potato Ho name and picture. My name is Christina Shane and I'll be hosting the August Ho Down. For more details visit Noble Pig. I guess you could say she's our Pimp.

*also the talented Julia, who did my header for my blog, is designing a badge that you can display for the Ho Down. It will be ready soon for you to proudly declare your Ho-ness to everyone.

I had this silly thought the other night. I thought that if I made myself something sweet I would have some sweet dreams, something without the Bogeyman following me around. You know dreams of unicorns, rainbows, and Anthony Bourdain. Well that didn't happen. Seriously, why did I go see that movie?

If you are going to make these brownies please use the best cocoa powder and chocolate you can afford. These brownies are all about the chocolate, but when have brownies not been all about the chocolate?!

Bogeyman Brownies:

2 eggs
3/4 cup of sugar
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1/2 butter, melted
1/2 cup sweetened cocoa
1/4 unsweetened cocoa
2/3 cup flour
1/4 tsp. baking powder
1/4 tsp. salt
3 oz. of good quality semi-sweet or bittersweet chocolate, finely chopped

*you could use chocolate chips or add nuts.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mix eggs, sugar, and vanilla together. Add butter. Sift together cocoa powders, flour, baking powder, and salt. Then sift the dry ingredients into the egg mixture and stir. Add the finely chopped chocolate and stir again, but you knew this already. Spread the brownie mixture into a greased 8 or 9 inch pan and bake for 20-25 minutes.

These brownies are really dark and dense and moist. If you like your brownies cake like or super sweet, these aren't for you. Just a heads up so they don't haunt you.

Next Time Take Me To See A Comedy...

Too many broken hearts have fallen in the river

Too many lonely souls have drifted out to sea

You lay your bets and then you pay the price

The things we do for love, the things we do for love

10 CC

When you love someone you make compromises. Hell, when you don't even love someone you make compromises just to keep the peace. Except for politicians, they don't do anything that even remotely looks like compromising because that would make them look too weak, liberal, conservative, or whatever. After many deals, threats, and bargaining Rich and I went to see The Strangers. You see I hate, no rewind and change that to...I detest scary movies. They give me serious nightmares. I'm thirty-four years old and I still get wake up gasping-sweating- screaming-can't go back to sleep-nightmares.

For example...Poltergeist, nightmares for months, they moved the headstones but not the bodies, what a bunch of dumb asses. Carrie, ugh. Psycho, umm... mom's in the room mummified, oh hell no. Texas Chainsaw Massacre... never seen it, never will. The Omen, the hounds of hell scared the crap out of me. Funny thing is that The Exorcist made me laugh, I didn't find it scary. Saw and Hostel don't count because that's torture porn. Torture porn isn't scary, it just hurts...and why would you get a thrill out of that?

So the deal was, yeah I'll go to the movies with Rich but...

1. We have to see it during the day.

2. Rich has to be home for five nights straight, no overtime, no working nights.

He agreed (while laughing at me) and we went to the movies. I never said I would watch it. I kept my eyes closed through most of the movie because I'm a chicken shit pussy. Once I saw the dude in the mask standing there watching Liv Tyler quietly, I was done! I really wanted to cry because I so worked up. The urge to walk out of the theater was really strong but I toughed it out (with my eyes squeezed tightly shut) because I know for the rest of my life I would never hear the end of it. At one point, the movie theatre was so quite I wanted to scream just to see if everybody else would scream, then I got the giggles thinking about it. So there I am in the movie looking like a crazy women curled up in a ball rocking back and forth in my seat with my eyes squeezed shut, giggling. It was really a sight to see.

And by the way, why do guys think that if they take a date to see a scary movie they are going to get laid? Hey Hon, it's so not happening. I stressed and scared, I don't want to cuddle or participate in foreplay. I want to runaway and hide and trust me, I know my vagina feels the same way. I know this for a fact. You want to get laid? Take me to see a comedy next time.

Potato Ho's Unite!

Do you need help with your addiction to potatoes? Is it so bad that family members are asking you to get help? Maybe some sort of rehab? Are you looking a little, dare I say, a little puffy? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might be a potato ho. There is help! Go to Noble Pig tomorrow for all your potato troubles. We are here to help.

C is for Cookie

I saw this on Thursday or Friday night and just had to post it. Listen for the Robert Downey Jr. line.

Chihuly @ de Young

Did you miss me? Yeah, I didn't miss me either. Wow, my computer had a particularly nasty Trojan horse/adware/spyware/ hijacked issue. All I can say is, Thank God for little brothers! It took him about four and half hours to get my computer up and running again and without any curse words. I think my computer wanted to be treated tenderly and whispered sweet nothings into it's hard drive, instead of all of my rage and seven dirty words (Ugh! By the way, Hollywood, no more deaths for awhile. My poor brain can't handle it!)

On Friday I took the girls to San Francisco to see the Dale Chihuly exhibit at the deYoung muesum.

Two little tangents...

1. Hey Mother Nature, pay attention! I'm sick of you giving me beautiful warm sunny days in San Francisco when I visit. I want fog and chilly weather, especially in the summer time when I go there to cool off. I spend way too much in gas and paying the toll on the Bay Bridge to get warm weather. I expect fog and chilly weather.

2. Dear George W. Bush, the No Child Left Behind Act sucks donkey balls. My kids are data bulimics. They chew and swallow test information just to spit it back up again. Undigested and without absorbing the nutrients. Every kid needs to know there are other things, like art and music in this world. I can take them to museums and teach them what little I know, but what about the parents who don't have the means or knowledge about this kind of stuff? Where does that leave them?

Okay done. Chihuly was awesome and inspiring. To take glass and to twist, mold, and stretch it like that was breathtaking and fun. Art at it's best. Nancy called the first picture "Willie Wonka".

I called this one Superman.

The Persian Series looked like sea anemones and if Pixar said they got the inspiration to make Finding Nemo from these pieces of work I wouldn't be surprised.

I wish...

I could own one of his pieces...

I could be this talented...

I could be this imaginative...

This was my favorite... It is called the Persian Ceiling. It was like underwater I spy. You would walk around and notice little glass angels and devil tails above your head. It seemed to just be layered and layered with glass forms.

All very fluid and watery but yet bright at the same time.

I loved how this petal shaped piece of glass made a whole different shadow on the wall.

The octopus was the best thing ever! Rich says the silliest and stupidest things make me happy. I always want to point to him and say, 'I know, look who I married.' but I never do. Maybe next time.

This is the Mille Fiori. It is a 56 foot long garden of glass exhibit and as Forrest Gump says, 'That's all I have to say about that.'

*Puppet Master... because everything was all screwy this weekend, I'll give you another day to come up with some desserts. I post the nominees tomorrow and then voting will commence!

gone fishin'...

but I'll be back tomorrow.

Can you guess where Katie, Nancy, and I are going? The picture is a hint.


*Puppet Master time... It's dessert time, dear readers. Do you want me to make a seven tiered chocolate cake? Suggest it. Another round of beet ice cream? You're on. You have until Monday to come up with dessert.

IB kid here. I like creme brulee and I'm willing to make it even if my mums not, plus I would love a reason to use my torch thingymabob ;]
I'm just suggesting...

Dear Martha...

Dear Martha,

Hey You! How've you been? I missed you since you left the Big House. It's lonely locked up in here. I was really excited when I saw your email with a recipe for Strawberry Galette, I thought I could make it for all the inmates or maybe trade it for some smokes. But damn girl, why do you gotta be so damn persnickety?

I mean a cup and 2 teaspoons of this, an 1/8 of this. Seriously girlfriend, this is some complicated shit. I know that out in the real world this is how it's done but not up in here. It stresses me out and then I don't get my meds. And what's with the fried basil? I don't have access to basil, let alone hot oil, especially after what happened with Lupe.

Do you have any idea how much I hate doing dough? I took the rolling pin and almost took out a guard because it never turns out right for me. Damn Martha, I need your help. Do you think after I get out, I can come up to Maine and you could give me some private dough lessons? Because I suck.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Krysta
Inmate #666-586597

Martha Stewart Strawberry Galette:

FOR THE BASIL CREAM

3/4 cup heavy cream
1/3 cup loosely packed fresh basil, chopped
2 tablespoons sugar
3/4 cup mascarpone cheese

FOR THE FRIED BASIL

2 cups vegetable oil
18 to 24 large fresh basil leaves
Sugar, for sprinkling

FOR THE DOUGH

2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for surface
1 1/8 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoon sugar
8 ounces (1 cup) cold unsalted butter, cut into small pieces
1/3 cup plus 2 tablespoons ice water

FOR THE GALETTE

1 pound strawberries, hulled
1/4 cup plus 1 tablespoon sugar
2 teaspoons cornstarch
1 large egg yolk
1 tablespoon water
1 tablespoon cold unsalted butter, cut into small pieces

Make the basil cream: Combine cream, basil, and sugar in a heatproof bowl. Set bowl over a small saucepan of simmering water, and stir until sugar dissolves, about 4 minutes. Cover with plastic wrap, and refrigerate for at least 1 hour (or up to 2 hours for a more pronounced basil flavor). Strain through a fine sieve into a bowl. Add mascarpone, and whisk until medium peaks form. Cover, and refrigerate until ready to serve, up to 2 hours.

Make the fried basil: Heat oil in a deep skillet to 325 degrees. Fry basil, a few leaves at a time, for 12 seconds. (The leaves will cause the hot oil to spatter; step away from the pan while they cook.) Drain leaves on paper towels, and let cool completely. Sprinkle both sides of the leaves with sugar. (Basil can be stored at room temperature overnight.)



Make the dough: Pulse flour, salt, and sugar in a food processor to combine. Add butter, and pulse until mixture forms coarse crumbs. Add ice water, and pulse until just combined (dough will still be crumbly). Shape dough into a disk, wrap in plastic, and refrigerate for at least 1 hour (or overnight).

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. On a floured surface, roll dough to 1/4 inch thickness. Cut out a 10-inch round, and transfer to a parchment-lined rimmed baking sheet. Refrigerate for 30 minutes.

Make the galette: Cut strawberries lengthwise into 1/4-inch-thick slices. Reserve end pieces for another use. Toss slices with 1/4 cup sugar and the cornstarch, and immediately arrange them in concentric circles on dough. Start 1 inch from edge, overlapping slices slightly. Fold edge of dough over berries. Refrigerate for 15 minutes.

Whisk together yolk and water. Brush dough with the egg wash, and sprinkle with remaining 1 tablespoon sugar. Dot berries with butter. Bake until crust is golden brown, 40 to 45 minutes.

Transfer to a serving plate. Serve warm with basil cream and fried basil.

*tasting notes... My crust turned out rather well... for me. It tasted like those butter cookies you get in a tin at Christmas time. Also, I normally do not like cooked fruit desserts except for apple pie but I really liked this. I was pleasantly surprised. It tasted like really good strawberry jam. I didn't do the basil and I'm okay with that. Martha might come shank me 'cause she's hard core like that but I travel with an entourage and they are always armed.

Surprisingly Good... Willie & Snoop

It's like bacon and chocolate, popcorn and M&M's, french fries and milkshakes, you wouldn't think it would work together, but it does.

Chocolate Pound Cake w/ Coconut Glaze

I have had a low grade, kinda under the radar headache for the last few days. It's like how my cat bats around spiders for awhile. She knocks them for a loop lets them wander away thinking that they are out of her clawless yet lethal registered-weapons-of-doom paws but then pounces on the spider again. That's my headache, knocks me for a loop, goes away but not far enough to really leave, just far enough away that I can hear it's echo of foot steps like a bad horror movie. (and some really bad writing) It's time to break out the Imitrex and a Dr. Pepper. Lovely times. So without further ado, let's announce the winners of the main course Puppet Master. (sorry guys... no links today, I honestly think my brain would explode if I even tried to do it)


Rich: shrimp & sausage jambalaya (eat write create)


Krysta: fish taco's w/ mango salsa (noble pig)


Katie: grilled chicken calzones (eat write create)... also did you notice her voter intimidation worked? Guys, she's way to smart for her own good. If you let her do that she'll try to take over the world, Pinkie. She needs a tight leash kept on her at all times.


Drew: kabobs (becoming a non-smoker)


Will: krabby patties (foodie with family) Go check Rebecca's site out. Today she has video of her kids eating homemade chocolate covered crickets!


Nancy: slow cooker sloppy joe's (foodie with family)


You're the chef night (kids cook): simon & garfunkel pasta (yummy mummy)


So you know the dealy-o... e-mail me at evilchefmom @ aol. com with your recipes or where to find them on your blog.


Alrighty then, time for a recipe. A few days ago I talked about food trinities... this doesn't fall under it because it's only a combo but there should be a special rule for chocolate and coconut. A holy exemption that the Pope would grant, maybe we could petition him? This recipe is sourced from a couple different places. I wish I could say it came from my Great Great Grandmother from South Carolina but alas it did not.


Chocolate Pound Cake w/ Coconut Glaze:


Cake:

1 1/2 cup of butter
3 cups of sugar
5 eggs
1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
3 cups flour
1/2 teaspoon of baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
5 tablespoons cocoa powder
1 cup milk


Glaze:


1/2 cup powdered sugar
2 1/2 teaspoons water
1/4 teaspoon coconut extract


Beat butter until smooth. Add sugar and one egg at a time, beating well after each addition. Add vanilla. Combine dry ingredients in a separate bowl. Add some dry ingredients to creamed butter mixture and alternate with the milk. Repeat until all ingredients are fully mixed together. Pour batter into a greased bundt pan and bake in a 325 degree oven for 80 minutes or until pound cake bounces back when lightly touched. Cool, then top with coconut glaze and some shredded coconut.


For the glaze...


Blend until smooth. If needed add more water a few drops at a time until desired consistency.

*tasting notes... Katie was really weary of this cake. She thought it was going to be too rich, too sweet, just way too much of everything. Wrong. It wasn't too much of anything. It wasn't overly sweet or overly rich. It was perfect. Next time for the glaze instead of regular water, I'm going to add coconut water instead just to give it a more coconut-y boost.

Blood On My Hands...

In the last few days...

I have had to kill a rat... and by the way, how does a 14/15 year old cat with no front claws catch a rat the size of my head and then has the nerve to leave it twitching in my courtyard leaving ME to do the dirty work? I hate my cat, she's a bitch.

I have also had to dispose of a little featherless finch that fell out of his nest.

I feel like a serial killer.

Maybe I should start running around the house yelling...

"It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again."

Then maybe, just maybe, I could get locked up for a few days. A few days of drugged sedation and a padded cell are just want I need. That would be a vacation!

Enough if this... let's change the subject.

I got tagged for a meme by Katie, no, not my Katie, but by this Katie. She's fourteen and has her own food blog and makes her own jewelry. Go check her out. I'm not sure if she should be reading my blog. Hey Katie, do your parents know that you read my blog?

1) LAST MOVIE YOU SAW IN A THEATRE? I'm old, I don't go to the movies.

2.) WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? Tales Of The City by Armistead Maupin for like the billionth time.

3) FAVOURITE BOARD GAME? Pente, Scrabble, but I'd pick dominoes before anything.

4) FAVOURITE MAGAZINE? Dwell...Vanity Fair

5) FAVOURITE SMELLS? Freshly mowed grass

6) FAVOURITE SOUNDS? A baby crying... you'll understand why July 4th and my kids laughing and my husband when he laughs like Muttley .

7) WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? Helplessness

8) WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE? Do I haaaaavvvve to get up? Yes, apparently I'm still five years old and I actually think in bold and italics when I have to get up in the morning.

9) FAVOURITE FAST FOOD PLACE? In-n-Out, In-n-Out, 'cause that's what a burger is all about.

10) FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? Shit! I'm pregnant!? Yup, I'm naming my kid... Shit! and it's middle name would be Oh Hell No! So let's get this straight my next sous chef's name would be Shit! Oh Hell No! It does have a nice ring to it.

11) FINISH THIS STATEMENT—IF I HAD A LOT OF MONEY I’D... live in Italy or in Point Reyes, Ca. I'd buy some more photo equipment, help some people...

12) DO YOU DRIVE FAST? I have a medical condition it's called leadfootitis... ba-dum-ba-dum...*crickets

13) DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? Muttley, my husband.

14) STORMS–COOL OR SCARY? Very cool

15) WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? A VW bug...that caught on fire!

16) FAVOURITE DRINK? iced tea

17) FINISH THIS STATEMENT-IF I HAD THE TIME I WOULD... take a nap!

18) DO YOU EAT THE STEMS ON BROCCOLI? Yes

19) IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY OTHER COLOUR, WHAT WOULD BE YOUR CHOICE? Red but I'd rather shave it all off.

20) NAME ALL THE DIFFERENT CITIES/TOWNS YOU HAVE LIVED IN? Only one, Stockton, Ca.

21) FAVOURITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Soccer, swimming, baseball, sumo wrestling

22) ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? I wish that at 14, I was writing instead of waiting until I was in my 30's. I also hope she keeps up her blog because I'm excited to see what she does next.

23) WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? picture frames... why, what did you think I had under there?

24) WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE BORN AS YOURSELF AGAIN? Yes, but a whole lot smarter.

25) MORNING PERSON OR NIGHT OWL? Neither... I am at my best from about 10 am to 10 pm.

26) OVER EASY OR SUNNY SIDE UP? over easy

27) FAVOURITE PLACE TO RELAX? What's that? I don't know the word relax.

28) FAVOURITE PIE? coconut cream

29) FAVOURITE ICE CREAM FLAVOUR? mint chocolate chip

30) OF ALL THE PEOPLE U HAVE TAGGED, WHO IS THE MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND FIRST? I'm not tagging anybody...

*later on today... winners of the main course part of Puppet Master and get your dessert ideas ready...

Voter Intimidation

This whole voting thing is all fine and dandy but I want Calzones. So you should go to the right to Katie and switch your vote! It's what all of the cool people are doing and I think you should try it you'll like it! I promise! It won't give you lung cancer and it is very unlikely that it will cause a car crash. What do you say? You will! Because honestly I don't want to have to sit in the street because I don't like to give people ultimatums but it's either that or you change your vote. Okay, not really because that picture is from the winter but I'm sure I could do that again if it will change your mind. (As long as no cars are coming...) Katie, sous chef #1

My Holy Trinity, Food Wise

I'm not a good navel gazer. As a matter of fact, I'm horrible at it. No epiphanies come except that I have a innie and a few sit-ups probably wouldn't hurt. Then I think about dinner and then I start thinking about trinities.

Every religion has some sort of beads used for praying and also some sort of trinity. Here's mine...basil, tomatoes, and mozzarella cheese. Cliche? Oh no, no, no! This is the food of the gods, never has there been a greater combination than this... other than peanut butter and chocolate but that's not a trinity now is it? I eat this combination all summer long. I have it in a sandwich, I'll make a caprese salad and I'll make this dish.

I remember my step-momster making this when I was a kid. I'm not sure where she got the recipe but she used to peel the tomatoes and make a big production of it. Sorry, but why go through all that trouble of standing over a hot pot of boiling water? It's already hot outside and I want to go swimming. Forget about it! Just chop up the damn tomatoes and enjoy your day, it's summer for gosh sakes! Chill out.

ECM Trinity:

tomatoes. chopped into bite sized pieces

basil, chiffonade-ed? what is the correct term for that anyways?

grated mozzarella

olive oil

salt & pepper

Put tomatoes, basil, and mozzarella into a bowl. Add enough olive oil to coat the tomato mixture. Add salt and pepper to taste. Cover and refrigerate until ready to eat.

A couple of things: Notice I didn't give you measurements. This is just a throw together dinner. I go by proportions.

I used grape tomatoes in this dish. Every tomato has been pulled off the market and California was cleared from this stupid salmonella scare. Everyone is afraid to touch a damn tomato, but not me. Oh no, I go trying to find tomatoes (trying to cheat death) and all they have is those 3.99 a pound on the vine tomatoes and forget that...I'm not paying that much for a crappy tomato,and there was no farmers market, so what's a girl to do? Improvise! Grape tomatoes it is.

Use cheap mozzarella for this dish. Trust me, I've used fresh mozzarella and it's just wrong. Fresh mozzarella is beautiful and gentle and must be respected but in this dish she falls apart into a stringy, soggy, nasty mess.

Make this in the morning and let it sit in the fridge. The longer you let this sit, the better it tastes. Cook some pasta and toss this in and you have dinner. I eat it as a main dish and then I eat it for breakfast the next day, then lunch, then dinner again. Rinse, lather, and repeat. It's that good.

What's your holy (food) trinity?

do you remember...

when going to the pool was the most exciting part of the day?

the last time your parents watched you from afar?

the last time you just jumped without thinking?

the last time you had mermaid hair?

when the only thing you had to do was smile for the camera?

or when you weren't self conscious in front of a camera?

the last time you just stared off into space?

when you were in awe because the moon was out and it was still light outside?

when water was magic?

the last time you looked at a sunset?

Sticking It To The Man...

So....The Man isn't happy. Oh flipping well. So because of that we're sticking it to the man.

Dear Readers, The Man, my husband, Rich, didn't like your some of your suggestions for dinner and he moaned, groaned, and bitched, and I quote, "I don't want to eat this shit." He was actually talking about only a few dishes. But still, how rude. You guys suggested 60 dinners and we narrowed it down to 29. No one was allowed to pick the same dish and I almost stuck it to the man right there, how dare he dis my readers!

Rich's Picks:

roasted corn chowder

taco salad

shrimp and sausage jambalaya

Krysta's Picks:

Shrimp Boil w/corn on the cob, polish sausage, and red potatoes

beer can chicken

fish tacos w/mango salsa

crab cake burgers

pineapple chicken & fried rice w/pineapple cilantro chutney

Katie's Picks:

grilled chicken calzones

chicken/lamb schwarma

marsala

homemade pizzas

grilled dry rubbed tilapia w/latin quinoa salad

Drew's Picks: (he's picky so he was kinda acting like his dad without the cussing)

thin crust build your own pizzas

kabobs

bbq spare ribs

cheeseburger pie

Will's Picks:

krabby patties w/ the world's best tartar sauce

steak w/ ancho chile sauce

mac'n'cheese

pasta salad

Nancy's Picks:

linguine w/ white clam sauce

slow cooker sloppy joes

fish tacos

shrimp scampi

That's six meals you can vote for. I can hear you yelling at your computer screen but there are seven days in a week. The seventh day is the day , after I create the world and so on and so forth is the day I'm gonna chill and have Shrimp Rockefeller, Black Bean Dip and Mojito Slushies. The kids can cook...

pepper steak fried rice

simon & garfunkel pasta (really Kim, you just had to name it that?!)

grilled PB&J's

Now there is something else... Everybody, and I mean everybody, wanted this next dish. I had to break up the fighting with a water hose because that's how we do it in the Evil household, that and a taser I keep on me at all times, but don't worry I only use the taser after the sous chefs have been hosed down and are soaking wet and have a taste of the pepper spray I use for seasoning. Everyone wanted to pick the Spanish Potato Omelet. So on the eighth day, ECM made Spanish Potato Omelet. Sunset Zaguan you are quite popular around here, the sous chefs risked life and limb just on three little words. I think I might have to make you an honorary sous chef! Please email me (evilchemom @ aol. com) with the recipe or I might have another riot on my hands.

MADOF!

Warning: NSFW. This post contain language that is not at all appropriate and sexual innuendo that is definitely not appropriate to a food blog. You were warned!

Anybody who has a food blog or likes to eat for that matter has a problem. Food can make you, well, a little chubby, if you're not careful. Some food lovers go to extreme lengths to stay pretty or sexy or to stay a skinny bitch. Mental P Mama is upping her water content and exercising and stay away from her !gasp!, cocktail corner! Kim's (Yummy Mummy) hubby is on some weird fake ass tortilla and tofu diet. I still can't wrap my head around it, it has to do with people who like potatoes are puffy?! Potato Ho's, we need to unite our puffy selves and stage an intervention! How dare he call US puffy! Claudia (Cook Eat FRET) traveled from Tennessee to LaLa Land to do some serious detox, like raw food type detox. It makes my head hurt to even think about it. I would be a bitch on wheels were my exact words in her comment section. She told me (later, off line) it's that she wants to, wait for it.....

"MAINTAIN A DEGREE OF FUCKABILITY!"

Ladies, isn't that what we all want? Admit it. It's not that you want to lose that extra 15 pounds, it's that you want to maintain a degree of fuckability. My new mantra in life...MADOF.

Then I went to make some rocky road ice cream because even though I don't really care for ice cream, this is Rich's favorite and even if I was 1023 pounds, smelled like sweaty monkey balls, and had a hairy nipples, if I served this naked, I would maintain a degree of fuckability. (Kids... if you are reading this. Well, you won't be anymore because your retinas should have been scalded for life after reading this.)

Eight little ingredients for MADOF!

Rocky Road Ice Cream:

1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder ( I used Ghirardelli)
1 cup of sugar
2 cups milk
1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
1/8 teaspoon salt
2 cups whipping cream
1 ounce semi sweet chocolate, coarsely grated
2 cups miniature marshmallows
1/2 chopped almonds, pecans, or walnuts

In a large saucepan, mix cocoa powder and sugar. Gradually stir in milk. Stir over low heat until sugar and cocoa dissolve. Stir in vanilla, salt, and whipping cream. Chill. Stir in grated chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts into liquid mixture. Freeze in ice cream maker according to manufacturer's directions. Makes 2 quarts.

*Tasting notes: This was a hit! But really what ice cream isn't, except for beet ice cream. Cough, cough.

"This is the best ice cream you have ever made." one critic said.

I wouldn't know because I was busy... wink, wink.


Random Fact of The Day: Did you know June 2nd is National Rocky Road Day?

Kim, remember that David is doing this weird ass diet for you, so you will desire him and procreate if that little sous chef of yours gets off your hairy nipple!

Guns 'N' Soccer

You guys crack me up with your comments! Half of you don't even want to be my blogging buddy anymore because, well, I look too young. I'll tell you a secret so you'll want to be my friend again... I have lots of new hair coming in and it's not grey. Oh no, it just couldn't be grey, it's SHINY WHITE! and there's a lot of it and and I even found grey eyebrow hairs, so there. What irritated me about Saturday and the security guard was not so much of both of them thinking I was a teenager, it's the whole psychology behind it. It's really hard to be taken seriously. If you saw me in person you'd think, 'What's that little pipsqueak talking about cooking? She can't even reach the stove, let alone cook....' That's why I love the internet, it puts everyone on equal footing and looking young makes for a funny story to write about.

Before I announce the winners for snacks and drinks, I wanted to tell you about Goat's soccer practice yesterday.

Goat has her practice in what many would consider a nice part of town. Her practice is in a park in a subdivision called Spanos West. Whatever... all the houses look the same, very Stepford-ish. I hate it, mostly because people think they can go to these subdivisions and think they are beyond any crime affecting their area. Hmph. Sorry Charlie, crime is everywhere. Duh. Enough of the tirade. Anyways... this guy and what looked to be his son come screeching up to the park in his Suburban and goes running barefoot after some teenagers. Very close to our soccer practice, words were exchanged and some holding back of bodies. By this time, I tell Goat come sit behind me. Coach is telling her to come back out to practice and I shake my head no. The guy and one of the teenagers shake hands and dude walks away to his car, where he then pulls out something from his car and sticks it in his waistband and starts walking back to the teenagers. Great. That's when I tell Nancy and the girls at practice to get into a car duck down and stay there. Just what you want to tell a bunch of ten and eleven year old girls. Needless to say soccer practice was canceled. No one was shot, nary a punch was thrown, and the cops never came. Fun times. That was my day, and you?

Let's move on to something a bit more fun, shall we? Announcing the winners of the snacks and drinks portion of Puppet Master.

There was a tie for snacks so I will be making both and I even have a plan. The day the kids have to make their own dinner, The Man and I will be having cocktails and snacks while the sous chef make their own meal that you picked for them. Awesome.

The Winners for Snacks were...

The Yummy Mummy... and her black bean dip. I think Kim planned this. She's been threatening me for a while about blackmailing me, so I know she's rubbing her hands in glee that she gets to control what I eat. Kim, you do know I'll get you back, right? and please don't sent some of those nasty ass fake tortillas my way either or there might be a foodie blog war, I don't care how much that diet is working for sexy Aussie Hubby.

The Noble Pig... Cathy posted this recipe for Shrimp Rockefeller on her blog. I left this comment for her...

Oh please let this win for my contest... wait, you didn't enter these. I'm begging you to enter these ones too. I might just have to enter them myself, if you don't, and totally break the rules, then chaos will rule the world and it will set a bad example for my kids and they will think they can break the rules because mom did and then they will lead a life of crime just because you didn't enter these mushrooms. We can't have that, can we? Please save my kids from a life of crime...

Cathy is a potato ho with a heart of gold. She didn't want to see my kids get mixed up in a life of crime, so she entered these and they won! If my kids get into Stanford and Berkeley and Georgia Tech, and go on to kill cancer and bring about world peace, it will be because of Cathy. Thanks, being a puppet master can bring about good. Do you hear that, Kim? We use our puppet master abilities for good, not blackmail or evil.

Onward we go to the drinks winner. Rebecca from Foodie With Family must be an overachiever, she's like Mary Lou Retton or something. She made a clean sweep of this competition, winning both the kids and adult drinks. The sous chefs will be sipping on mint and limeade slushies, while Rich and I have Mojito Slushies.

Okay, my first three puppet-masters, please email me your recipe at evilchefmom @ aol. com so I can get my grocery list ready. Except Cathy because I have yours all printed out.

Remember you have until tomorrow to submit your ideas for main courses. Come join in on our little social experiment. Haven't you ever wanted to exert your power? Here's your chance.

Amuse Bouche and Puppet Master Time

Look at this picture carefully... look at the bottom. Those are my feet and I am standing on a Dr. Pepper 12- pack to try to get this picture. Yeah, I am short, 5 feet nothing to be exact.

Hey! There's a picture of a young Valerie Bertinelli. Thanks for stopping by, Valerie. I know many people think you are the Yoko Ono of Van Halen, but I disagree. I think Alex and Eddie Van Halen, like many great artists, are temperamental and therefore you get the bad rap because the fan boys can't hate on their man-crush heroes. Oh, by the way, people say I look like a young you. I think it's because of the brown eyes, hair, and big cheeks.

Yes, this rambling has a point, I'm short and rather youthful looking, if I do say so myself. So last night shouldn't have surprised or aggravated me in the least.

Katie was participating in our local Relay For Life for The American Cancer Society. She does this every year with her school. They stay up all night walking around a pathway to raise money for killing cancer.

raising money+ walking laps+ remembering cancer victims+staying up all night+ having fun = killing cancer

Well, teenagers need chaperones. I volunteered. First, I was harassed by one security guard because he thought I was a teenager. Okay, cool, I get it. I was wearing jeans, cons, and a t-shirt. The uniform of teens everywhere. It was dark but there was plenty of lighting and you were being a hard ass. Hmm, way to treat people who want to help kill cancer. Good Job Rent-A-Cop.

Later on, around midnight, leaving to go home from my chaperoning duties. Another security guard says,"we're checking all juveniles." as I am walking toward him.

My first thought is, okay cool... whatever you said makes no sense to me, and I keep walking.

Then he says it a second time.

I just look at him puzzled and keep on walking, now passing him, by maybe three feet.

Then he yells at me,"we're checking all juveniles."

"Okay, for what?" I ask while still walking away.

"Id. How old are you?" he yells. "You need to be with an adult to leave!"

"I'm thirty-four." I, sort of yell back.

"Oh, sorry."

"It's okay. I get it all the time."

By this point, the other security guard is laughing and I just want to go home.

*Puppet Master Time! In the comment section leave your ideas for main courses. You don't have to write the recipe just give me your ideas, lots of ideas. I need to have enough for voting and seven days worth of meals. Don't let the sous chefs starve! Matter of fact... don't let Valerie starve!

BLAT! (no, it's not a cat coughing up a fur ball)

Okay, just follow along for a second. This thought occurred to me while I was frying bacon.

Why does bacon suffer from shrinkage in high heat, when guys suffer it from cold water, weather, ect? This is one of those, 'what is the meaning of life questions'. It's a conundrum.

The inspiration for this recipe came from Vicarious Foodie. I'm sure her recipe is much better than mine because she made her own dressing. I, for once, used a dressing you find in the refrigerated section. You have to say that last sentence in a tv commercial voice, what the hell, lets do the rest of this post in an announcer's voice.

Introducing ECM's Blat Salad... I guess I should tell you that BLAT stands for bacon, lettuce, avocado, tomato. Kind of a play on BLT sandwich but it's not a sandwich, it's a salad, but kind of like a BLT because it has bread, lettuce, tomatoes... never mind.

1 pound of bacon, cut into one inch pieces and cooked over medium heat, so it doesn't suffer from George's shrinkage (I was in the pool! I was in the pool!). Cook until crispy, drain.

tomatoes, chopped into chunks, it's all about the chunks. ('cause sloth loves chunk)

avocado, chopped into chunks. mmm... chunky hunky avocados, you know what? I think I'm probably a avocado ho too.

lettuce, butter or boston or boobie, I just wanted to see if you were reading the recipe. just get good lettuce, okay?

homemade croutons:

day-old sourdough bread, cut into 1 inch cubes
olive oil
salt and pepper

optional ingredients:

parmesan cheese
garlic powder

Pre-heat oven to 400 degrees. On a baking sheet, drizzle bread cubes with olive oil and salt and pepper. Place in the oven and cook for 15 minutes or until it looks like a nice crunchy crouton.

For salad dressing, I used Marie's blue cheese and bacon salad dressing. Yeah, so sue me. Reach through the computer screen and slap me around, I didn't make my own dressing. Flog me, beat me, I suck but that should have already been obvious to you because I am a potato and avocado ho.

Okay, mix it up and eat. I dare you to tell me it's not one of the best salads you have eaten. Triple Dog Dare Ya'.

Have You Voted Yet?

Well, around here, everyone is sort of talking. It's like stepping on thin ice. No one wants to be the first one to fall through. So, there is a very fragile peace. Let's see how long it lasts. I put everyone to work and we weeded and planted and trimmed and scrubbed and after it was all done this is what our backyard looked like. In the very forefront of this picture is a big blue cafe umbrella and dining set. This is a bonus from working at Cost Plus, 40% off on everything, including sale items, except wine and food. In the middle, is the racoon's free sushi bar. The big white table is my prep table for grilling and taking pictures. On the left is where plants go to die. Nothing grows there. I'm going to try a hydrangea, just because I want to watch it die.

Since everyone is talking, the sous chefs, husband, and I picked our snacks and drinks. Now, it is up to you to decide.

To keep this fair, I'm not telling you who picked what or who submitted what idea. This is all choosing by your stomach and what you want to torture us with making. I can already hear you rubbing your hands together and laughing manically.

So for grown up drinks, you can vote for... everything submitted. Ha ha. They all sounded good so I put it all in your hands.

Adult Drinks:

Mint Juleps

Bellini's

Orange and Basil Mojitos

Tijuana Taxi

gin slush

No- name drink: frozen mango, dark rum, triple sec, topped with sparkling wine

Burning Mandarin Martini

Sangria

Mojito Slushies

For the kids:

minted iced tea/lemonade

mint and limeade slushies

kool aid slushie

For the snacks:

Black Bean Dip

Peanut Butter & Bananas

Cream Cheese and Pepper Jelly

Whoopie Pies

Shrimp Rockefeller

Bacon Appetizer Crescents

You have three days to vote. It's right up there on the right hand side. If you submitted a dinner or side recipe or I am assuming that mac'n'cheese and crab burgers are main courses, right? Because you know what assuming does, right? It makes an ass out of you and me. Oh stop groaning, will ya! So, if I have assumed wrong which happens all the time, let me know. If I forgot a drink, let me know, so I can fix the problem. The main course post is coming tomorrow.