Yeah, The Baking Goddess Is a Bitch...

*these are my freshly wept tears...

You know what? That Baking Goddess? Yeah, well she's a bitch and I'm not sorry I said it. She is a mofo too. Not technically because that would be weird and my mom isn't THAT way but still, she's a mofo. No, not my mom, though I probably called her that a few times when I was a rebellious teenager but I digress. And if I call my my mom a mofo, I deserve to be slapped around a little 'cause that's just wrong... but I digress again.

I have been craving scones and shortbread. No, I am not pregnant. Anytime I say I'm craving something, my friend gives me so much crap. 'You must be pregnant' she always tells me. She does this to get me going. I start sputtering and stuttering and start calling her a mofo because there's no way in hell I'm going to have another kid. Actually, I don't call her a mofo because she would kick my ass. You know what, lets just get this out of my system...

mofo, mofo, mofo, mofo, mofo, mofo, mofo, mofo...

There I feel better.

So where was I?

The Baking Goddess, she's a bitch with a capitol B.
I have been craving scones and shortbread.
No, I am not pregnant
I obviously like to type the word mofo.

I made scones three times and three times they were a big FAIL.

Balsamic strawberry basil scones... FAIL.
Coconut scones... FAIL.
Coconut scones again... FAIL to the mofo-ing FAIL!!!

I made raspberry shortbread bars. FAIL. Thanks for playing.

What in the hell is going on? Do I need to set up a voodoo alter? Maybe sacrifice a chicken in The Baking Goddesses name? Or do you think she'd rather have a live virgin? And where do I find a live virgin? I'm thinking those might be hard to come by.

I decided that maybe I should super-duper clean my kitchen to get rid of all the bad baking mojo. Nancy and I cleaned the oven, then promptly shorted it. My husband yelled at me. How was I suppose to know you should turn off all the power to the kitchen. Really who does this? And this is how I decided that The Baking Goddess is a chick because only a woman would be this spiteful! Grrrr. Anyways, sparks flew, Nancy was almost electrocuted (she wasn't but it makes for a better story.) and I blamed everything on her (sorta true. I shouldn't have let her help me clean the oven and I'm ashamed but seriously would you turn down help if someone offered to help you clean the oven? Mmm-hmm, that's what I thought). The oven is fixed and the kitchen is sparkling Mr. Clean clean but I am a little gun shy at the moment to do any baking. Another failure could do permanent damage to my psyche.

If scrubbing away all the bad mojo doesn't work, does anyone know where I can get a live chicken or priest that does exorcisms? I'll only use the virgin sacrifice as a last resort. But don't put it past me...


Julia said...

Don't you hate when that happens! I lost my mojo once a few years ago too. Thankfully it found its way back to me along with San Pascual the patron saint of cooking.

I have a savory scone recipe on my blog that has worked exceedingly well for me and also my partner in taste and create. Nothing like a little bacon to bring the mojo back.

Anonymous said...

Hey.... How did the scones and shortbread fail? No rise? dough-y? Too heavy?

Inquiring minds want to know? Mostly because I just did some biscuits that I thought came out a little (a lot) heavy...

Ty'sMommy said...

try the cookie recipe I just posted on my blog
Its an absolute no-fail! Maybe it'll help you get your mojo back!

Mental P Mama said...

There was an old wives tale I heard as a child that said women shouldn't bake during their period. Something about yeast not rising...Just sayin';)

Jennifer said...

Dont worry I have bad biscuit mojo, hopfully someday it will leave me for some other poor soul!

Melissa said...

I'm just happy to hear that everyone has baking problems, not just you but your commenters too. It makes me feel sooo much better hehe.

It'll come back to you, of course. You just had a bad stretch. I mean, you have to have good baked stuff for Thanksgiving, right?

Not Afraid to Use It said...

I am that way with rice. No matter what, I fuck it up. It is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. Hubbie is now officially in charge, if we ever make it. We we usually don't bc I don't brook failure.

Humble Abode said...

i have the best no fail scones recipe! seriously they are the most delicious. i even screw around with the recipe and they still come out amazing. i should find it for you.

KitchenKiki said...

I don't think she's a Bitch really. Here is my (long day, bourbon induced) theory as to why your mojo has been hit like a mofo. (hmm, mojo-mofo, mofo-mojo I think I like typing that too!)

Anyway, I think the Baking Bitch, I'm sorry, Goddess, felt scorned with all that cooking. Think about it, we all COOK a lot. Baking is reserved for special occasions & cravings. So she is feeling a little left out. You cook all the time. And talk about it. You've been ignoring her and she felt spited. Send a little love, attention and respect baking's way & I think you'll get your mojo back from the mofo. I think you'll get some mofo mojo!

It's like all the stories of the Greek & Roman gods from mythology. At least that is my take on it.

So sacrifice a dinner, and do some baking & some baking praise.

Ok, I'll shut up now. I'm sorry-it's been a long week!

Anonymous said...

Wha? You are not perfect...damn, now what. I don't believe this is happening...I want a pic of the bad results.

Antonio Tahhan said...

during times like this I call on my friends Ben & Jerry to help get rid of any lurking bad mojo. They come in different flavors for all sorts of kitchen/life mishaps.

I think 1 pint of chunky monkey ought to do the trick.
I've never made scones myself since I'm not a huge fan, but I remember Ina Garten almost convincing me with one of her recipes. You should try hers at some point.

krysta said...

*julia... thank you for the link... trust me i'm desperate for scones... i'll try anything... not saying yours is bad, that just doesn't sound right! just i'm open to anything!

*ag... scones... a little heavy... not enough flavor. shortbread... not shortbready enough... not crisp and tender and the same time. tasted okay... texture not so good.

*ty's mommacita... i'll try those too.

*mpm... that could explain the super raging bitch i've been the last few days and the extra clean kitchen... funny, i can always count on you for a laugh.

*melissa... i don't bake for thanksgiving my sisters do. i had baking problems when i first started cooking... then had a good spell, then a bad spell... lather, rinse, repeat.

*natui... my daughter is the same with rice too... drives me insane... maybe you need a rice cooker...

*jack... find me that recipe.

*kiki... between you and mpm... hilarous... both of your guys reasoning is spot on.

*miss piggy.... never perfect always a fail!!!!

*antonio... i did try ina garten's that's why i'm so ticked off... her recipes are usually no fail, it has to be me.

Music Food and Love said...

Don't worry, I bet it was just one of those days.
I gotta confess the only time I tried to bake scones, I sucked big time!

Lisa said...

They're not scones, but the cookie recipe I just posted this week is FAIL-proof. Seriously.


Maggie said...

the math tutor thought the scones were great with raapberry jam!!!

Valerie Harrison (bellini) said...

I had bad scone making karma too then I tried the Barefoot Contessa's scone recipe...works EVERYTIME!!!!!!!!!!!Her recipe is on my blog somewhere but you can easily find it on line too:D

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