10/23/08

Two Rants & A Giveaway



Dear Adult Trick or Treaters,

Really? I mean really? You stand at my door, not even dressed up, and say trick or treat with a pillowcase in your hand. And your pretense is the baby in the stroller needs candy? What the fuck? Are you so cheap that you have to go trick or treating? What's especially galling to me is that you will dress your 2 month old baby, stick him or her in a stroller at 8 at night to get your poor broke ass some candy. Really? I ask this because do I look stooopid? Like that baby is going to eat the Twix bar I just gave you?! Dude, it pisses me off. I want to say something snarky to your ugly ass face but I do not have the testicular fortitude because my town is so ghetto. If I say something...

A) my house will get vandalized somehow...
B) my car with get vandalized somehow...
or
C) you'll pull out a gun. Over some candy. Let's commit a felony over some candy. I mean it sounds logical to me.

So, pretty much you've got me where you want me. Your mother would be ashamed of you, jerk. Go buy a fucking bag of candy, asshole.

Trick or Treat My Ass,

Krysta



Dear World's Finest Chocolate,

When did you guys get so cheap? I remember when it was a big deal to sell World's Finest Chocolate as a fund raiser for school. Yeah, it was expensive. A dollar a bar, but man, what that dollar bought you. A chocolate bar that was about an inch high, with whole almonds. You felt rich in chocolate. It was a treat. Kids would buy candy bars during recess or on the bus after school and eat one square at a time. You wouldn't think twice as a kid spending your hard earned dollar because it was worth every cent.



Now they are only a little over 1/4 inch high, with one chopped up almond inside. And don't even get me started on the quality of chocolate. Back in the day it was good solid milk chocolate. Creamy and tasty.


*look, two candy bars aren't even an inch high.

Now, it is chalky and tastes like ass. What in the hell happened? Make them like you used to and charge two dollars a bar. People will pay it, trust me. I'm almost ashamed that my daughter is peddling this shit. I feel like she's ripping people off. You are not World's Finest Chocolate anymore. More like World's Craptastic Chocolate.

Kisses,

Krysta

Contest:I'm opening up a can of worms by having this contest. I want your best letter rant a la Evil Chef Mom style. So I expect cursing and it needs to have a salutation and a great sign off. It can be about anything and you don't have to leave a name. Go anonymous. I don't care, just no threats of bodily harm or I will delete your comment faster than the speed of light. The prize is some tricks and treats. I am giving away chocolate and candy. Some of my favorites and some of my not-so-favorites (see above)

Rules:

Leave your rant in the comment section.
Your rant can be anonymous.
You can curse.
It has to have a salutation and send off.
No serious threats, sometimes it's a fine line between funny and mean. Let's error on the side of funny. Okay?
You can enter as many times as you want until Sunday 6:00 pm (pst).
Winners will be announced Monday.

34 comments:

Julia said...

Your rant is hysterical! And I agree with you 110%. I don't think I could rant with such vigor, so I will leave that to the experts.

Anne Stesney said...

Oh man, adult trick-or-treaters are the worst. Unlike kids who are a tad too old for trick-or-treating. They are just sad. (Case in point: Me at 13 dressed up like Charlie Chaplin.)

I wanna do the rant contest. Do we post it on your comments or email you?

Ty'sMommy said...

Ok, I just can't resist. Something happened yesterday that I just MUST get off my chest!



Dear Director (yes, really, where I work),



It was so refreshing to see you yesterday, as we rarely cross paths these days. However, I'm not so sure that the bathroom was the best place for us to meet up. You may not have noticed me when you walked in, as I was quietly sitting in the stall, doing my business. But I noticed you....oh yes I did. See, I thought you were coming in with a friend...you know, since I overheard a conversation.....only to discover that it was a one sided conversation.....because you were talking on your cell phone.

Really?

You need to continue the conversation you were having about halloween costumes so desperately that you felt it was acceptable to bring it into the BATHROOM? Do you not know the codes of bathroom etiquette? Do you seriously think I want your mother listening in while I'm taking a dump in the handicapped stall?

REALLY???

Ok, its one thing if you are at home and the person on the other end of the line is ok with being taken on your own personal adventure to the "backwoods", but , give me a fucking break! I don't need this shit (no pun intended)! When I need to drop a load, I don't want people eavesdropping as the turd hits the water.

Please, pry your phone off the side of your rude ass and hang up BEFORE you walk into a public bathroom. Other people need to use this space, too, and I'm pretty sure the other women in the company would agree with me. I mean, don't you try and squeeze the poo off when someone else walks into the room? I know, I'm 35 years old, have a kid and should have swept all my modesty out the door years ago, but leave me alone when I'm pooping! How friggin' white trash can you get? And you're in management, for crap sake (ok, pun intended there)! Get a clue and, please, from now on, use the bathroom in the other building and leave me out of your conversation. You're going to make me all kinds of constipated if you don't get the hell out.



Love ya!

TysMommy

Krysta said...

*anne... leave it in comment section.

Kristin said...

Ahem.

Dear Don Juan the Ram,

You fucker.

I've been nothing but considerate and respectful to you since you came to us a year ago. You sired a crop of very tasty lambs, and you've never once shown a hint of aggression. I was so happy to have a pussy for a ram.

Until yesterday.

Yesterday, when you decided that the box of apples I was picking were rightfully yours and you BUTTED ME ON THE LEG. And then followed me as I backed out of the pasture, watching me with those evil yellow eyes and making me fall down at least once. My dignity has suffered a mortal blow.

Now hear this. Henceforth, you are on notice. Anymore shenanigans from you, and we'll be eating MUTTON this winter instead of lamb.

Yours in friendship as long as you stay away from me and my apples,

Kristin the Reluctant Shepherdess

melissa said...

Heeheheh I like both so far. I need to come up with one...

QueenofPlanetHotflash said...

To the dipshit in the silver Altima,at the Kroger Store

Wanna know how to have the earth tip off it's axis? By pissing me off and well dumb ass you did it this afternoon by yelling at my daughter-in-law and calling her an ugly fat cow. Had I not had my hands full putting princess in the car seat I would have ran over and pulled your greasy haired, foul smelling scrawny ass through the window of that friggin banged up Altima you were attempting to drive.
And had you had the balls of a real man and not an infant, you would have stopped to assist a woman with four children, who by the way was trying to get her children into car seats, trying to keep them from running out in front of cars and unload groceries from her cart all at the same time. Oh, But no, you have to be the ultimate asshole and call my daughter-in-law names because her car door blocked your exit from your excursion to buy beer, beef jerky and rolling papers. She didn't even realize the door was blocking your exit, but instead of being a gentleman and asking her to close it, you chose to be a prick.
And you effin piece of monkey shit if I see you any where in town again and believe me I will remember you, I can promise I will embarrass the shit out of you because you know what buddy? I don't care, I don't care what people around me think and best of all I have menopause to blame if I happen to pick up something heavy.
You made her cry, yeah you derfwad she cried and cried over what you said, even though she doesn't know you. She is self conscious about her body after having a baby. You being the pin brain you are wouldn't understand this nor would you care but guess what I care and I hold a grudge for a long damn time. This is your Fair Warning Buddy!
Watchin for You,
One Pissed Off Grandma

Cheryl said...

Damn you have some good ranters!

Kristy - Where's My Damn Answer said...

Awesome rants!! You guys all rock. I wish I had something to bitch about right now. I've had a pretty boring week.

Mayberry Magpie said...

Dear Twit from Alaska,

I live in the real America. You know? The one with a Main Street and neighborly residents, and brick-paved streets, and flag-waving, war-fighting patriots? It's so fucking real I call it Mayberry because my small town is about as American as Apple Pie.

And yet I would never deign to call anyone in my town REAL Americans. The only thing we're more real than is you and your fabricated talking points and your handler-purchased wardrobe and your spoon-fed ideology. Other than that, we're just like the good folks of Boston, MA, and Barstow, CA, and Austin, TX, and Louisville, KY, and Chicago, IL, and all the other places with citizens of all colors and faiths and sexual orientations whose intelligence you so woefully underestimate but who know a divisive, condescending fuckstick when they see one.

So quit whoring your Main Street metaphor to anyone who will listen. We were here helping each other long before you learned to read the papers you can't name.

Your neighbor across the way,
Mayberry Magpie

P.S. And if it's not too much to ask, step off the abstinence wagon, 'kay? I think your daughter proved it doesn't work and I'd like to retain the right for my teenage daughter to have access to birth control.

Soccer Milf said...

Dear Krysta,

I love that name. It's also my sister's name, which is why I love it so much. I know what the problem is with World's Finest Chocolate. They used to make it in a town near where I live, way up here in Ontario, Canada called Cambellford. Basically, it was the only thing in Cambellford, to tell you the truth.

Then comes Nafta. The "North American Free Trade Agreement", which changed everything. Slowly, not all at once, not so much as to cause a big fuss, but very slowly... American companies started shifting their production facilities to Mexico. Not only World's Finest, but also the nearby Hersey factory as well, both devastating the small towns in which they were located and putting many people out of work.

I am royally pissed because I am a chocolate lover. Not only were there chocolate factories in my general vicinity, but they contained factory outlet stores. I once bought a garbage full of broken Hersey with almonds for five dollars! Five! At the World's Finest Chocolate Factory Outlet Store, you could get about 3 pounds of chocolate for one dollar.

The supposed reason for moving these factories to Mexico was to save the companies money. If this is so, then why has the product suffered so? If they are supposedly saving so much money, then why are they cranking out trucks full of substandard chocolate? What kind of fuckery is this?

I, for one, have boycotted World's Finest (those fuckers) and Hersey. I've moved on. I don't mind paying three bucks per bar for a Green & Black's Mayan Gold, or a Cocoa Camino, if it means that I can stick it to "The Man" that is chocolate corporate America. I say, "Down with the riffraff!" Organic and fair trade certified is where it's at!

Sincerely,

Holly,
Soccer Milf Extraordinaire

cook eat FRET said...

regarding the 31st

i always used to go out for a long dinner and/or a movie. i have no fucking interest whatsoever to engage in any of it.

now i live up a very long steep windy driveway in the woods off a semi busy road with no sidewalks. my friends come to my house for dinner because there are no trick or treaters here. thankfully.

quitecontrary1977 said...

you sound like a great person.

tammy said...

This is great....and so therapeutic....here I go...
To my Realtor who sold me a house 4 1/2 months ago....
I picked you as my realtor out of all the realtors I know, because you were my friend and you could do my loan at the same time.
I trusted you when you said that we should go ahead and close escrow and they can fix the paint and the carpet later.
I trusted you when you told me upfront how much mother fucking money we needed to close...only to surprise me that two days before close....surprise...we need $2000.00 more.
I trusted you when we closed and you walked away with a $17,000.00 commission and you gave me a check for $500.00 measly fucking dollars, that I am still holding to this day...because you have had some financial difficulty....wahhhhhhhhh
And now the carpet and paint still need to be fixed, I am still holding your worthless check and on top of that there is a lien on our house from the unpaid subcontrators who did the paint and carpet.
Guess what Mo'FO the joke is on you....I have an appointment with my attorney tomorrow who would love to take this on a contingency basis. And did you know it is againest the MOTHER FUCKING LAW to write a bad check. Yep...now what kind of friend are you??
Not returning my calls anymore or my emails...Karma is a bitch....
And I am ready to bring it on!!

Anonymous said...

Dear Ex Wife,

Did you really have to break 12 years of golden silence to call out of the blue to tell me that after we split you started hooking?

I already knew that. As a matter of fact you started before we split. Remember the uncontested divorce, property settlement and custody settlement?

What was even more special was your informing me I couldn't have afforded you. Possibly because everytime I got overtime, you went into hysterics and started charging the neighbors.

You do that again and when the kid gets out of the mental ward we will send him to live with you. Check the custody agreement, paragraph 16 about Presidential election years.

Your happly married ex.

---

PS

By the way how is your fifth husband?

[This is being posted anonymously because my ex knows my handle, does read some food blogs and has been behaving herself for almost 20 years now, but the year of that call was not a good one.]

Cheryl said...

Dear Anonymous Asshat,

You leave comments on my food blog as "Anonymous" and go on to tell me how I could improve whatever recipe I have posted.

I don't need or want your fucking opinion or your advice. I can't tell you this of course, because your opinionated ass hides behind your "Anonymous" comments. Asshole.

I did it that way because that is the way I fucking do it. It is my fucking blog, get your own!

You hair brained asshole!

Kristin said...

(Oh Krysta, you are SO going to regret allowing me to do this as many times as I want . . .)

Ahem.

Dear Slugs:

Get out of my garden, or I'm coming after you with the salt shaker.

Love and salty kisses,
The Crazy Garden Lady

Stacey Snacks said...

I have no one to RANT to, simply because I WOULD SAY IT THEIR FACE! (as you know!).
Don't hold back people.

To Anonymous and his/her divorce:
Yikes! Couldnt you say that to your idiot spouse's face?

Regarding trick or treaters:
As long as they say "THANK YOU!!", I am happy, if not after the little f.....r takes a handful of candy and starts walking away, I yell out "THANK YOU!!!".
My mother used to tape her doorbell with masking tape so it wouldn't scare our cats and dog! She would also turn out the porch light.

Stacey Snacks said...

On second thought, I guess I will rant:

To my stupid neighbor in her GIANT Escalade! Get out of my fucking way!
Stop talking on your cell phone while you are picking up your brat from private school and stop talking about how much money your HUSBAND makes!
Go out in the real world, and get a job, or do some work for charity.
I am not impressed because your car consumes more gas than mine! You bitch.

Meg said...

Dear Son of a Bitch Who Talks About Me Behind My Back,
Hi, it's me. Your boss. Yeah, I know it sounds crazy that I would actually find out you're bad mouthing me. Don't worry, I won't hold it against you. You probably have a low self-esteem and are intimidated by your female boss because of your teeny, tiny penis. I get that.

Hey, guess what? The people you talk to when you're bad mouthing me? They are not your friends. In fact, they throw you under the bus every chance they get. 'Cause they want your job. Just a little FYI for ya, Tiny Dick.

I won't hold it against you, even though you CLAIM (really, like I don't have better shit to do?) I hold a grudge against you. I'm a better person than that. I'm not the youngest person to hold this position because of my gigantic rack. There's a brain in here, too. I know how the system works.

Karma's a bitch, Small Dick. Don't forget that.

Peace, love, and happiness,

The Baddest Bitch this side of the Mississippi

Ellyn said...

Hi ECM, Just found you through another blog I read. I did a letter not too long ago and would love to enter the contest.
Mine is complete with pictures though so I am just leaving a link. Hope you enjoy it. http://pieceoheaven.blogspot.com/2008/10/letter.html


Loved your site. I will be back to visit again soon.

Kristin said...

Ahem.

Dear Nosy Lady at the Library,

I appreciate the fact that we live in a small village and you know me and my whole family. I appreciate the fact that this requires a level of familiarity that would not be present in a large city.

You know what else I appreciate? Not getting comments from the library volunteer about everything I check out. Sometimes a girl just needs to re-watch "Dirty Dancing."

Yours in silent resentment,

Kristin, wife of A., daughter-in-law of MiL, sister-in-law of P.

melissa said...

Dear stupid fucking neighbors,

I know you feel that we are all going to go to hell if we go trick or teating. But if your kids tell my kids one more time that 50% of trick or treaters die I will personally TP your entire house while your at Church doing alternitive things to get candy for your children.
Sincerely,
your neighbor
PS. If you start any shit at Christmas about Santa this year I will personally come down your chimney and take your gifts.

ella said...

Dear Hospital Workers in my town:
My phone number is one digit different from your staffing office number. I can overlook a wrong number during the day, but when you grab that phone at 2 AM, you better be damn well sure you're dialing the correct number. And why do so many of you decide to call in the wee hours of the morning? The night shift is one thing, but 2-3-4 AM is OUT OF LINE. And another thing: when you hear my groggy voice say "wrong number" you should fucking APOLOGIZE and not hang up on me.

Sick and tired of your lazy-ass dialing,
Ella
PS I really know what the correct number is, but I like to make you look it up,so I never tell you what it is. So there.

Anonymous said...

Dear Stacy

I could only wish I had said that to her face, but as I said, I hadn't heard from her in 12 years. Nor seen her in that length of time. I was more than a bit caught by suprise.

I do have to thank the hostess for offering us the chance to say what we would have if we were quick witted enough.

Simply AnonyMom said...

Dear Walmart associates:

I really should love you. You are the reason hubby and met. However, I am not feeling the love. Actually I really despise you. here is a few reasons why:

First, let me start with today's door greeter. I know you do not HAVE to be older and retired to be a door greeter, but most are. So if my 3 year old comes running over to you in expectation of a smiley face sticker, and notices your snow white beard and your balding head and screams out "PaPa", please do not growl at her that you are not her Papa and walk away with out giving her a sticker. It makes her cry and then I am the lunatic in Walmart with a screaming toddler because you hurt her feelings.

Second, let me address you dairy associate. I know you are cooler than the other associates because you get to wear a white lab coat and gloves, but that does not give you the right EVER to talk to me like you did. After you saw my kids excitedly asking for yogurt it was not acceptable for you to ask me "Don't you have a leash for those" while you walk away, leaving a whole pallet of eggs on the sales floor. I should have followed you and asked if you had a muzzle for your mouth and socked you one. Unfortunately I kept my mouth shut. Also because I was stunned stupid by your comment I ended up getting the wrong milk and paying an extra $1.50 a gallon for it to boot.

Third, let me address the cashier. I asked you to purchase stamps. I even asked to verify that you had them before I unloaded anything from my cart. You said you did, so we proceeded. Do not roll your eyes at me when you have to call for assistance because the stamps are not at your till. THAT IS WHY I ASKED IN THE FIRST PLACE. Also, when we were waiting for the higher up to come and get the stamps I let you start with the next order because I was done. I was not trying to take anything. I was simply going to step to McDonalds and get my kids a happy meal. There was no need for you to eyeball me and then ask to see my receipt when the higher up showed up EVENTUALLY (over 15 minutes later). My kids happily ate in the store while I stood there next to the table waiting on you. I never left your line of sight. Thanks for treating me like I did something wrong when I was instead trying to help you when you had a huge line and almost no help. I will not be as kind in the future.

Lastly, let me address the parking lot cart guy. Thank you for helping me load the groceries into the cart. It is often hard to get the groceries put away and the kids loaded. However it was very very uncool of you to then leave a line of carts connected to your machine parked directly behind my car as you leisurely went after a stray cart 5 isles or so away. Luckily the kids had their happy meal toys to occupy them.

Walmart, I know you have changed your logo. You took away the "~" between Wal and mart. You replaced it with a "sun shine". However after today I think it is a bunghole and that is your way of telling me to kiss your ass.

How about instead you kiss mine?

Thank! {Kisses} (you know where)

Anonymom

Anonymous said...

Dear Sprint:

Thanks for your years of shiatty service. And the $200 disconnect fee you insist on for me to get out of said shiatty service. And you may think I'm going to rant about that, but I'm not. Because I've gotten even.

You see, it was my responsibility to select a cell phone carrier for our fleet of trucks. 985 trucks, to be exact. And after having spent time with your functionally illiterate sales staff, your retarded and misnamed customer service staff, and your friendly but stupid Indian call center staff, I decided to go somewhere else.

You have my $200 for the disconnect fee. The $900,000 a year contract for our trucks is going to Verizon.

Shove your phones up your ass.

Sincerely
The don't get mad, get even guy.

Anonymous said...

Dear Angry Bloggers,

Just reading my favorite blogs for a little lighthearted entertainment and instead I have to read $#%%^&*&*( and my blood pressure is rising. I don't need any more anger or stress in my life - I have 3 kids for goodness sake!

Blessings,
To chicken to leave her name

ntsc said...

On the other topic, adult trick or treaters. If my porch light is on and they are in costume I've no probllem with it at all. Did it myself with my wife some years.

white on rice couple said...

I will be copying trick or treat post and sticking to my front door for all the stupid ass adults that come to my door.
LOL, I'm holding my stomach. Laughing never hurt so much.
I need to get back to my other half to get our rant together!

melissa said...

I just finished reading all these.

I love claudia's. I couldn't agree more. I am the anti-Halloween.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Ah, damn. I can't believe I missed this. I had a really good one, too.

Music Food and Love said...

Oh damn! I missed this post!
This was a wonderful idea, I laughed my but out reading these rants!

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