8/7/08

Surreal

My kids started school.... last week. July 29th to be exact.

I saw a two bumper stickers the first one said:

I respect my autistic child! (Of course you would. Why wouldn't you?)

The second said:

I support our old troops. (???)

On the radio I heard an ad for a sporting goods store. The store was offering personal defense classes but not in the way you would think. It went along the lines of this:

"Your 100 pound wife can't protect herself from a 220 pound gang banger intent on a home invasion robbery. It's your responsibility to protect your family. Sign her up for personal defense classes. " (The first thing that came to my mind was "umm, get your wife a gun if you're so damn worried about a gang banger." But then I remembered I am a female liberal. I can't ever think about owning a gun. My dad didn't raise me this way.* So I had to change my thinking. 'I don't need a stinkin' man!' was my next thought. Quickly followed by, 'who says gang banger anymore?')

Speaking of personal defense and commercials... I saw a commercial on MSNBC for a Bright Strike. It's a flashlight that has a blinding white light that when you shine it on your attacker he will run away because he's blinded by the light. Blinded by the light, revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night. You knew I had to go there. Anyways what got me were its biggest selling points:

"or the perfect gift idea for men to give the gift of personal safety to their loved ones."

"the pink holster" hmmm...perfect for any occasion

and the best one...

"can be easily used with women that have long fingernails." WTF? Even my husband groaned. It was that bad.

And speaking of women and politics... there is this guy, a very big conservative (I didn't know it at the time) who stands outside of Target with petitions to sign. One day I went shopping with Katie and when we left the store he asked if I wanted to sign his petition. I told him 'no, but thanks' and he came chasing after me yelling about how my daughter was going to die because I didn't know she had an abortion and she was going to have unprotected sex because it was so easy to get an abortion and my child was going to turn into a whore. He said all this in front of Katie and in front of Target. In the middle of the day! With a ton of people around! All because I didn't want to sign a petition. Yes, it was about parental notification but damn, seriously? In front of my kid? I didn't know if I should start yelling back, just to get this dude out of my face or if it was a bully tactic just to get me so embarrassed I had to sign just to shut him up? Needless to say, whatever your views are on this subject, what would you do if someone used this kind of tactic on you? Maybe next time I should get my trusty Bright Strike out of it's pink holster and blind him. Then open up a can of my secret-ninja-gang-banger defense whup ass on him.

*one time my dad and I were talking politics. I had a fairly Republican viewpoint on the matter we were discussing. I don't even remember what we were discussing but I do remember that he yelled, "I didn't raise you to be a Republican!" Lord, he was pissed off.

My dad is also the guy who took his grandsons plastic parachute men and cut off all the guns. To get my dad back, my best friend mailed my dad a beautiful nutcracker with the gun shattered in a million little tiny toothpick pieces.

This shit can only happen to me.

27 comments:

ntsc said...

The guy with petitions wasn't conservative he was a nut case. Since your daughter is under 18 there would be a good chance to get him arrested on endangering a minor.

Liberal Democrat and firearm ownership are not mutually exclusive. I'm probably far more liberal than you are, but support the entire bill of rights. If you read Library of America's 'Debate on the Constitution' it is sprinkled with the idea that fire arm ownership is a given. And a necessary protection to the people's freedom from goverment supression.

Katie said...

Why is it always Target that has the crazies? For real, I have never requested to be escorted to my car at any other store. But Target? The security guard and I are BFF. I am not sure what I would have done had some crazy told me my daughter would be a whore within her hearing. I guess I'd have to explain what a whore was, and abortion, then maybe sex... I guess we'd keep walking quickly away, my mother taught me not to yell back at crazies, but it would be hard...

Cheryl said...

Man if that dude did that to me, I would get in his face and he would be sorry! dang it! or I would whip out my Smith and Wesson, 38, snub nosed, airweight, custom gun and wave it at him (don't hate me cuz I am a gun totin behotch)

Mental P Mama said...

School??? In July? And that man at Target is lucky somebody didn't pull out a gun and shoot him.

me again said...

Crazies are everywhere and the scariest thing is that the craziest of them typically appear "normal" at first. I remember when I was a police dispatcher/911 operator and was talking to this person who had what I thought was a very legitimate landlord/tenant dispute. Very well spoken, very articulate, very calm etc etc etc. Until we got to the part where all the walls in her apartment moved around and changed shape. Kid you not. The weirdos who walk among us.

asthmagirl said...

Okay, "respecting my autistic child"...? Are they kidding. Who disrespts their autistic child. I might as well get a bumpersticker that says "I don't kick people with disabilities". What an over compensation...

I'm going to agree that as a possible liberal, I do support gun ownership however I'm not opposed to a reasonable background check in order to acquire one. I caucused as a democrat once and because of my fiscal conservancy, I was called an f-ing republican during our position declaration. On the other hand, the husband's step dad called me an f-ing liberal while he was screaming at me on my position on tax relief.

No matter what I am, that man at Target would have regretted his words had he said them to me, especially in front of my daughters. I don't tolerate that kind of abusive crap. Being insane isn't illegal, being abusive is.

phillygirl64 said...

...sheesh, no wonder his kids don't tell him anything

xoch said...

don't have a kid, but I am a daughter. I have no idea how I would react and if I could control my temper, but my intial thought was to say, "wow, you're such an a**hole, you should be Fox News!"

Although this guy sounds like such a nut maybe I'd just walk away and try to have him removed from the premises.

xoch said...

btw, hi, I've never commented on your blog but I've been reading it for some time now and I think you're hilarious. Also, eternally grateful that you pointed the way to the yummy mummy and other foodie blogs!

P.S. Hi to katie and her summer reading list, went through Ib myself about ten years ago; just remember, coffee is your friend!

Kristin said...

Gang banger? Seriously? That is SOOOO 1990s. I just had a flashback to "Dangerous Minds."

I always wish I could be assertive and yell at people who bother me, but in reality, I always end up just running away. It's why I do better staying at home with only my dogs for company.

Grace said...

if i took a self-defense class, chances are i'd use what i learned on someone like the target wacko before i was ever accosted by a gang banger. as it is, i probably would've brought out my pepper spray, not necessarily to spray him, but to scare the pee right out of his bladder. :)

MrOrph said...

"gang banger"? WTF? C'mon now...

Stay away from the crazies.

Now I may be a conservative, but that is waaaaay out there. Also, being a conservative doesn't automatically mean Republican. Bush, is most certainly NOT a conservative.

Go get you a 9mm Beretta. You'll be glad you did!

Oh and as far as home invasion is concerned, if someone thinks they can storm my abode, that someone is quite worthy of my rath; all 40 cal, or 9 mil, or 38 of it.

melissa said...

Add me to the chorus of "did he really say gang banger?" 'kaaaay.

I would have screamed at the guy. There are moments when my temper comes right to the surface and that would have been one of those moments.

And I love guns. Love 'em. I have posts from January (on personal blog) about my Christmas vacation, and I posted a bunch of videos of us shooting. I'm lucky I get to shoot a lot of interesting weapons because Steve's best friend from childhood became a cop, and he's also a gun enthusiast, so he buys all kinds of things just cause he's allowed to. I've been going shooting with them since we started dating. Fun, fun stuff.

noble pig said...

I really don't believe you did not go bezerk on that guy...he's a freak of nature. I can't stand crap like that, the whole holier than thou complex....go back and give a quick kick in the tush.

ntsc said...

Noble pig

180 degrees from the tush.

Katie said...

Seriously, I think I would have given that guy one mean kick in the testicles. What a psycho!

Not Afraid to Use It said...

I'm with PhillyGirl. If his daughters hugged a guy he'd probably have them flogged.

Sarah said...

I personally can't get away from the "pink holster" bit; that is so weird! As for the guy at Target, I don't think that his stance on that issue has much to do with children. Scary. Poor Target, why does it get more than its fair share of nuts?

Passionate About Baking said...

What a nerve the guy had...hmmmmmmm...sometimes lunatics walk the planet & you can't even swat them out! Lemme tell u though; this can only happen in the US. Sometimes i wonder why...have seen the wierdest of things happen there, but no one has the guts to be so blatant here. BTW, me & my Dad were usually drawing daggers on everything under the sun...I was ALWAYS in the dog-house. It's OK now, since we've both grown up!! LOL...ciao

white on rice couple said...

What a JERK,LOSER and COWARD! I would have turned around and...I can't say what I'd exactly do, but I do know it wouldn't be nice. Especially if it happened in front of my daughter, that jerk wouldn't be there the next day.

It's loud mouth, preachy conservatives like that who have tons of skeletons hiding in the closet. I know of preachy, political conservatives who have had abortions, done drugs & milked the system . But they don't know that I know! Hah!

ayankeeinasouthernkitchen said...

Wow, you used restraint, though it most likely was the safest tactic with that crazy. Maybe it was a full moon or something as I had a week at work dealing with some real loonies, most of which were walking around with black AE card's. Go figure.

Rebecca (Foodie With Family) said...

Ummm... how come no one has mentioned the '100 lb wife' part? I haven't seen 100 lbs since I was 16.

And speaking as a conservative (echoing mrmorph's distinction between conservative and republican) I would've taken that sociopath at Target out at the knees. I wouldn't require a pink strobe light to do it, either. No one talks to my kids like that!

Out here the stores ban people from doing that stuff. Is that just NY?

Undomestic Diva said...

Our Target frequently tickets our token Petition Guy. Political viewpoints aside, I don't want to be harrassed when I'm leaving a store with three boys under 5 and a cart overfilled with groceries.

And honestly, sometimes I might agree with whatever issues the people are pushing, but then they act all crazy-asshole-ish and it makes me reconsider what I had thought based on this dumbass representing the cause. Ya know?

Lastly, just two days ago at our county fair, there was literally a fight near the democrats booth because the republican booth was set up next to it and someone tried to tear the life-size cardboard cut-out of Obama in half.

CLASSY.

Meg said...

The second I read the self defense part I thought of the line from Napoleon Dynamite from their Judo class where they guy says "How would you like a roundhouse kick to the face wearing these bad boys?"

I don't get the old troops reference. There are geriatrics fighting in this war?!? What kind of draft do they have going on here. :)

QueenofPlanetHotflash said...

I would have said oh no need my daughter has been taught to taser gang bangers & men that speak rudely and hold petitions in front of Target, would you like for her to demonstrate her skill on you? friggin dumbass!!!!!

phillygirl64 said...

'I don't get the old troops reference. There are geriatrics fighting in this war?!? What kind of draft do they have going on here. '

I think they are referring to vets, who seem to not get the support they have earned and so richly deserve

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