Oh Just 'F' Me!

I have been in a serious bad mood the last two days. You know how Pig Pen walks around with his little stinky cloud, that's me with my little stinky mood. Just fuck me. I swear the world is out to get me. It's so bad that my kids commented on it. 'Mom, you haven't been in a real bad mood for a long time.' No, shit Sherlock! I haven't been and you know what? I just don't give a shit! Be warned, this post is going to be laced with bad language and ranting. It will return to normal programming tomorrow.

I emailed Lennie from eat write create asking if I could change up her calzone recipe because I wanted to pay a little homage to Katie, who is moving back to her dad, Matt's house for the next six months. Don't worry about Katie, she'll still be blogging and getting into our hair. I'll see her almost everyday. Though this is probably why I'm in a bad mood. I like having her around...shh, just don't tell her.

My little homage to Katie was to make bbq chicken calzones, because one of my favorite dishes she makes for me is a bbq chicken grilled cheese sandwich. I thought I'd return the favor. Big mistake.

Ruhlman describes a mise en place as....

Mise en place: Literally “put in place,” mise en place is the kitchen term for your set up, the gathering and preparation of all the tools and food you need to complete the task at hand; mise en place can refer to a cook’s organization on the line before the evening’s service (line cooks often refer to it simply as “meez” and can be extremely territorial about their own); mise en place can refer to the wooden spoon, wine, stock, rice, and salt you gather before starting a risotto. Because it’s such an important part of the chef’s life, so critical to efficiency of action and the use of time, the term often carries broader connotations of being ready. Excellent mise represents the ultimate state of preparedness, whether the physical mise en place of food and tools or the mental mise en place of having thought a task through to the end and being ready for each step of it.

The key words are ultimate state of preparedness.

Somewhere I remember my secret husband, that's Mr. Bourdain to you, saying your mise is having your shit together. If your mise is bad or messy that's what the inside of your head looks like.

Oh well I'm fucked. I was screwed from the beginning.

It started with the dough. I made it but it was sticky, real sticky. I should have stopped and made a new batch, but oooooh no, not me. I had to grit my teeth and fin-ish. I covered my dough and let it rise. Then I prepped and cooked my filling, red and yellow bell peppers, and a yellow onion. I sliced the chicken and added the cheese and covered it so I could roll out the dough. The dough. The dough. Arg, the flipping dough.

Here's where it started to go FUBAR. First of all since it was sticky, I knew I need to use something, like I don't know... parchment paper, perhaps to keep it from sicking on the cutting board. I reach down to pull out the box and there's just a 12 inch square and an empty box.


...and it would not lay flat.

(this part is even censored from me)

And did I mention the flies. Fuckity, fuck, fuck! I lay down a piece of rock to hold the parchment paper in place and start rolling. I get a piece of dough that wants to be in a shape of a heart. WTF?! ARGGGGGGG! There is a point in every persons bad mood that something, like this, either makes or breaks you. I'm sure you can guess where I was in this point of cooking. I took a picture while sounding like Popeye, mumbling bad bad things. See that black speck in the bottom left hand corner, that's Jeff Goldblum making an appearance. If you don't get that reference, leave now and come back another day.

Where was I in my rant to end all rants? Now the bbq part... It wasn't hot enough to cook the calzones. Since I have hit my limit of bad words, that's all I'm going to say about that.

So after another profanity laced tirade. I heated up the oven to 550 degrees and cooked the calzone for about 8 minutes. Here's the kicker after all that...

Another recipe that kicked ass! This recipe turned out good with all my mistakes. Isn't that called, foolproof? Damn right it is!

Here's the kicker... when Rich got home from work he had a little true store to tell me. One of his co-workers went to a birthday party last weekend. It was an Indian couple and they were celebrating their son's first birthday. Their son's first name is Mahdenuhsa. Well, the co-worker wanted to know what the name stood for and he asked around someone told him to look at the cake. He did, the name on the cake was...


Oh fuck me! I left and took a bike ride to calm down.

Where's the name police when you need them?


noble pig said...

Whoa, you are on one serious rant my friend! Glad it turned out well after all that crap!

And the Indian Baby...hilarious.

White On Rice Couple said...

Oohh, I haven't been here in almost a week (which seems like forever!) and I see that you're pissed off. Uh, oh...
BUT...I'm glad to see that it ended well with a great calzone! It does look mighty tasty and it's a great recipe! Sometimes Mise en place works for me, sometimes it doesnt.
And if your secret hubbie Bourdain ever decides to come over to our place for dinner, we'll make sure to save a seat for ya!

Laura said...

i plead total innocence with this naming crime. i was out of town...on vacation. yeah, that's it!
i have witnesses too. so what if they are all circus clowns. they are reliable and credible...well, sort of.

Kristin said...

You are a better person than I. Something would have been thrown if I was working with that dough, and we have a marble rolling pin, so there would have been some serious damage.

Maybe you should go blow some shit up today--it would probably make you feel better.

Mental P Mama said...

That was quite an undertaking for such a cranky person. I would have made pb&j. Glad it turned out so well. That baby? Idunno.

Anonymous said...

So... glad dinner turned out alright. Sticky dough=more flour?
I try doing mise en place when I can... otherwise, I think I'm competent enough to make it work.

PS~ That's the best Cranky Pants I've seen in a long time. I bow down to you!

KitchenKiki said...

gee & I thought I was in a mood. At least you don't have half contents of your kitchen sitting on your dining room table in an attempt to "clean"

me again said...

Oh crap, I put my comment at the end of the recipe instead of here. I meant to put it here, I really did! Sigh. I just didn't notice that they were two separate posts. Blind as a bat sometimes, I am. And now I'm talking like Yoda. Anyhoo, as I said further down............I'm glad it all worked out in the end. You deserve a break today, you really do!
--Lennie, eat write create

Kelly said...

Hope your spirtis lift soon, glad those calzones turned out, they look so good. I took the lazy way out once when I made calzones and used refridgerated biscuits for the dough instead of making it myself...big mistake..

Jill said...

Oh Krysta! I can so sympathize with the mood. I haven't had one in a long time and I'm a little worried reading your post because it reminds me that I'm probably overdue for one! It will probably be a doozy (how do you spell that?). The calzones look fabulous and sound even better! Put your feet up, pop open a Dr Pepper, hug that girl (if she will let you, one of mine won't!) and enjoy the holiday!


Grace said...

i've been in a pretty foul mood myself lately. the difference is that i haven't been making awesome calzones to help ease my grumpiness. frankly, i'm afraid to try. :)

She who said...

Oh darlin'

I have missed you. You poor thing life will be good again.

I am working on being back to being the real "She Who" and will be living and breathing soon.

Missing you and looking forward to "talking at ya soon"

Think European vacation this time next year.

Rebecca (Foodie With Family) said...

I empathize. I really do. And if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. At least good food helps, eh? It could be worse. You could be in a mood eating Oscar Meyer franks and potato chips.

And not to be thick or anything, but my gray matter is a little slow these days. I blame my kids. Was the name story for real? If so, that's just wrong. I was friends with a Vietnamese kid whose parents came over as boat people while pregnant for him. The first thing they saw on US soil was a Pepsi billboard. Guess what they named him. Yep, Pepsi. Somehow that's less horrid than "Madeinusa".

Krysta said...

*she who!!!!! missed you too. figured you were resting after that horrid move!

*rebecca... as far as I know, my husband swears it too.

MrOrph said...

Hope you feel better soon. I can never bring myself to post when I am in a "mood"; I go to my DJ equipment and play VERY LOUD music for hours on end until the police come and ask AGAIN for me to turn it down. I can blast over 4000 watts! That is real stress relief to me. Huh? What? Too loud? What is?

Great job on the calzone. I would have gave in to the dough and cranked Miles Davis.

Help Me...pleeeeze, help me...

Not Afraid To Use It said...

Your rant is exactly the reason I do not make anything in which I have to roll out the dough. Every time has been a complete and utter disaster. I still make pizzas, but found a kickass no-roll dough recipe. For my quiches, too. Thank you for reminding me to stay the hell away from the rolling pin.

melissa said...

The one time I cried in the kitchen was because of dough. I still haven't tried again, but I know I need to conquer it at some point.

I'm thrilled they turned out well though. Have a good time at your dad's Katie, but your mama sure will miss ya!

Anonymous said...