5/2/08

Only Me... Part One

So... I'm about to start my little cooking adventure when I see this on my knife magnet doo-hicky-holder-thinga-ma-jiggy. Feed Starving Thespians Please. Oh please. I wouldn't be surprised if it said feed starving lesbians, please. The oldest sous chef is the assistant director for the play Jekyll and Hyde. She wants me to make her dinner, then drive 20 minutes to bring her starving thespian ass dinner. Like I have nothing better to do. Thomas Keller is waiting for me.

Back to my little cooking adventure. I decided to make Beet Ice Cream. Why? you ask. Because I felt guilty.

See. Look at my stigmata of my beet stained hands. Actually, I felt really hypocritical. I jump down my husbands throat for not liking fish and lecture my kids about trying something before you say you don't like it. So, if I talk the talk, I gotta walk the walk, right? So this post is dedicated to French Laundry at Home who left a comment on my blog about beet ice cream and to White on Rice for making me walk the walk. While I'm at it... I'd like to thank the Academy.

I am not going to post the recipe. If you want to play along, go to White on Rice's site or buy the book.

Beets are preeety. I love the color.

But the ends look like rat tails. So... I'm peeling, cooking, and straining when... oops...

I spill the beet puree and cream mixture all over the floor. (close your ears if you are easily offended) FUCK! I spill about half the mixture on the fucking floor.

Speaking of rats. Here comes my chihuahua, Roxy. She loved the beets and cream mixture. One whole roll of paper towels later. Trying to keep the dog out of the kitchen the phone rings.

*phone ringing

"Hello?"

"Please hold we have important information on your expiring car warranty."

What the fuck I just bought my car, how can it be expired all ready?

"Hello. I want to talk to you about your warranty that's about to expire on your cars." Dude says.

"Really?" I said. Hmm, why'd he say cars. Plural. Fishy.

"Yes."

"What fucking company are you from?" Oops. Poor guy had no idea he was messing around with the wrong chick.

"Well, I'm here to talk to about your expiring warranties on your cars."

"What compant are you fucking from? Are you from Toyota? Because I just bought a fucking new car and the warranty is not fucking expired!!!!" I yelled.

*dial tone.

Reading back on that little exchange saying I was probably a little rude would be an understatement.

When we moved into this house I hated the wall in the color. Still don't care for it, just haven't painted it. Now I know why.... it's the color of strained beets and cream. Seriously. That photo is untouched. Now when people ask what color the paint is, I can tell them it is Beets and Cream. When I go to Home Depot for paint, I can ask for Beets and Cream. What kind of ice cream would you like? Beets and Cream. This can only happen to me.

This isn't going well....

Beets and cream all over my recipe...

...and one helluva mess in the kitchen. Too bad the walls in the kitchen are white or I wouldn't have to clean the kitchen.

The strained and strained mixture, oh hey, did I mention I had to strain the mixture like ten times, is sitting in my refrigerator. Chillin' and relaxin' getting ready to be made into ice cream. I'll let you know tomorrow how it tastes. If I don't like it, I have back up.

No matter how it turns out, I'm actually geeked out that I made a French Laundry recipe.


15 comments:

Mayberry Magpie said...

Thanks for my best laugh all week!

Mayberry Magpie

P.S. I'm pretty sure when the sous chefs are grown, they're going to say the beets and creme paint caused them much psychological pain.

Lina said...

hmmm beet ice cream that sounds interesting. My doggies are always on standby in the kitchen so they can lick up my mess too...

She who said...

I love the Jackson Pollack look of your kitchen floor, you just need some more colors.

jack's utter lack of surprise said...

the fact that it matched your walls is priceless.

White On Rice Couple said...

Zen proverb, maybe..."If you cut your hand while slicing beets, are you really bleeding?"
What perseverance, ECM! You've now walked the walk and proven yourself to be a true sista. We bet you really hate your walls now.
If you have some chocolate sauce, it goes really well with the Beet Ice Cream. Or chocolate cake, we're sure. Or if you don't like the ice cream, just have the chocolate.
BTW, the weaselly telemarketer/scammer deserved to have his ass reamed. We're proud of you, ECM.

The Yummy Mummy Cooks Gourmet said...

You are a freakin' riot...and a mess. Can't believe that's how you feed the dog. Poor thing.

You make me smile...

noble pig said...

This was hilarious, seriously. The dog licking away, your walls, the phone call.

I have made a lot out of the FL cookbook but going there is just SOOOOOO much more fun!

Pixie said...

lol I truly enjoy coming over to your blog- it's seriously the highlight of my day!

Grace said...

beets are indeed a pretty color, but not on your hands, floor, walls, or countertop. good for you for persevering! :)

Mental P Mama said...

i think I'll just stick to the beets in the jar...seriously, this was a great laugh out loud for me. Thanks!

Kristin said...

Wait . . . why did you have to use a whole roll of paper towels if the dog was there to lick it up? Did you not LET him/her lick it up? My dogs' tongues are pretty much the only mop that my kitchen floor sees. I probably shouldn't admit to that in public . . .

Asthmagirl said...

Yes, my Chihuahuas do the same thing! And I love Roxy's spots!

Looks like the kitchen goddess strikes again! It's always funnier when it's someone else! But I am feelin' bad for you!

Can't wait for the verdict on the ice cream!

cook eat FRET said...

i started at the end..
so this post had no drama for me

but funny stuff, nontheless

melissa said...

the fact that it matched your walls is priceless.

totally jack, that was the best part. this whole post killed me krysta.

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