Dear Cook's Illustrated,

I love you guys, really I do. I know that I'm a low key cook and that you guys aren't. I understand that and I accept our differences because I love you. Even though other blogs feel that you are a little anal retentive and keep lab mice somewhere in the kitchen to conduct cooking experiments. I just think you are a little fussy and looking out for my best interests. With that being said...You have gone too far!

There is no such thing as light guacamole, light lasagna, or light chicken enchiladas. NO!NO!NO! Are you smoking crack, Mr. Kimball? What is wrong with you? Do you know what would happen if I made guacamole with lima beans? Mutiny! Dude, seriously I would be dead. Have you not heard about The Man's 'do not f with the guacamole' rule?' You are the whitest man on earth! You do not mess with food from the gods. It's just wrong on so many levels.

Smart enough to know better,