Evil Chef Mom

Do want to know how Evil Chef Mom came about? It's really boring, trust me, go find something else to do. Cleaning your oven would be much more exciting than this. If you have nothing better to do and you don't want to clean your oven then, by all means, keep reading.

I don't have many great memories of my biological father. No, he's not dead, he's just not nice. The best thing I can say about him is he's a great cook and he passed that skill on to me. Its funny how your greatest passions and the things that wound you are always intertwined.

The first thing I learned how to cook was french toast... on a boat. Yup, you read that right, my dad use to live on a boat. Learning how to cook in a small galley (boat speak for a kitchen, but you knew that already) was interesting. You really have to be prepared because there isn't a lot of space, so a good mise en place is a must. You have to be careful because even when the boat is in a berth it can and will rock. That is so much fun when your chopping, pulling something out of the oven, or frying something. Rock-A-Bye baby all over the place. And we won't even talk about fire. On a boat. In the middle of nowhere. Needless to say, I fell in love with cooking.

At 18, in high school, I was pregnant with Katie, sous chef #1. I had her 27 days after graduation. Can you imagine seeing someone waddling up the aisle to get their diploma in an ugly brown graduation gown? Me neither. At least my water didn't break at the ceremony! After I gave birth to Katie, I wanted to get back to school. I still had a love of cooking so I thought about culinary school. I talked to people at California Culinary Academy but realized a commute to the Bay Area and 16 hour days were not conducive to being a good mom. For a while, I was depressed because things weren't going to go according to plan. But I rolled with the punches, got a job, and met the man, Rich, my husband.

We promptly had three more kids, Andrew, Will, and Nancy. Now ages 12, 11, and 9 respectively. I was psycho to have kids so close together. I would never wish it on my worst enemy. After Nancy was potty trained, Rich and I celebrated with a bottle of champagne and toasted to having "No More Diapers!"

This brings me to why my blog is called Evil Chef Mom. Anybody who has three or more kids tends to run their household like a military general, a prison warden or a kitchen. Take your pick but either way someone is not happy. Because of that I am sometimes called momster or mominator, you know like The Terminator. Aren't my kids clever? *rolling my eyes as I type* In their eyes being a momster is being mean and that turns into being evil. Being evil and loving to cook and forcing them to help me cook turns into...............

EVIL CHEF MOM!

Cool Coco Beans!

Cool beans! Guess what came in the mail? A Vosges Haut- Chocolat catalogue. Folks, this isn't your Sees Candy kind of chocolate. This is your " WHAT! 7 dollars for a candy bar. You have to be kidding!" but really worth it kind of chocolate. Something to be savored and locked away because your husband wolfed a whole bar down. *cough* richard *cough* He's a bad, bad man, but I digress. See that picture right there, after a digital camera, that's what I want for Christmas. Nothing would make me happier. Mmmm, bacon and chocolate. Homer Simpson would be in heaven.

The Look & Dinner

" Hey Mom, what's for dinner?" Nancy, sous chef #4 asked.

" Pork Roast, mashed potatoes, and roasted carrots." I decided to tell her instead of the normal gross you out kind of answer. That was a mistake.

" UGH!" Nancy said with the look. Anybody who knows Nancy knows the look. But since you don't know her, let me describe it for you. She has these huge dark brown eyes and well, she opens them up wider, sticks out her bottom lip, not to a full pout, but just enough to let you know she's not happy and then lowers her chin to her chest. Then looks up slightly and POW! gives you the look. I'm 33 and a mom to four kids and I don't have the stare or the look. She's only 9 and she already has it down pat!

" Nance, it'll be okay. Have I ever fed you bad food?"

" I don't like roast or carrots." Nancy said, still with the look. Can you tell she's the youngest?

" Tough, that's what we're having." I told her.

She kinda grunted/ sighed and went to go finish her homework. Whatever...


Roast Pork

one pork roast (3-5 pounds)

dijon mustard (approx. 1/4 cup)

1-2 garlic cloves finely chopped (add as much or as little garlic as you like)

rosemary (one good palm full chopped finely) fresh or dried

salt and pepper ( to taste)

Bring the roast up to room temperature and preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Rub the roast with the mustard, garlic, rosemary, salt, and pepper. Place on a rack, fat side up, in a roasting pan. 30 minutes per pound or 170 degrees on a meat thermometer. When the roast is done place on a warmed platter and cover with foil. Let it sit, because if you are anything at all like me you want to start carving right away. Now if you want to make a little pan gravy pour off the fat from the pan and add 1 cup of chicken stock and bring to a boil. Scrape up all goodies from the bottom of the pan. If you want it a little thicker, add a little flour mixed with water. Done.

Roasted Carrots

12 carrots ( or as many as it takes to feed your family)

olive oil

salt and pepper (to taste)

Peel and quarter carrots. Place them in a roasting dish with enough olive oil to coat the carrots. Add salt and pepper. Don't get fancy and add anything else. Well you could, but why would you? Set the carrots into the oven with the roast. They should finish at the same time the roast does. But keep an eye on them just the same.


Mashed Potatoes

I have talked about mashed potatoes before. Peel them, chop them, boil them, and rice them. Instead of adding all that heart-stopping cream and butter. Add 1/2 a cube of melted butter and 1/2 cup warmed half and half . Add some olive oil and salt and pepper. Very simple.

The smell of roasting pork came out of the kitchen about an hour into cooking. All of a sudden I have all sorts of kids in the kitchen wanting to help. Including Nancy.

" Mom, dinner smells goooood!"

" Is that so, Nancy?"

" Mmm, when is dinner going to be ready?"

" About an hour."

"Okay. Can I help?"

" Yeah, let's make the potatoes." I told her.

Later, I pulled out the roast and after waiting an eternity to carve it, I gave Nancy a little bit of the end piece. Instead of the look I got," Mom, that's really good."

" No kidding it's good. I cooked it."

" I still don't like the carrots, though." she said, walking away.

Ahhh, nine year olds. Aren't they wonderful?

Truck Stop Eggs Benedict Ole!

I have just had the most puzzling and perplexing meal ever and not in that El Bulli, Ferran Adria and Alinea, Grant Achatz molecular gastronomy way either. Let's start at the beginning, shall we?

Rich and I dropped off all the sous chefs at school today with the idea we'd go out to breakfast after. So, we head to our favorite hole in the wall, Chucks. This is a Stockton institution. Pancakes as big as a man-hole covers. You can order every meal as either a full or half order, and only someone with a death wish orders a full order because they are HUGE! It's been around for-ev-er (you gotta say it like the kid in Sandlot) say it with me, for-ev-er. Well, it seems to be that no one in Stockton works on a Tuesday morning (including us) because there was a line out the door. On a Tuesday morning, Wtf?

On to plan 2. Rich says, "Let's go to Carl's." and off we go. Carl's is a diner/ truck stop off of the 99 Freeway. Good food, breakfast all day, kinda place. Now mind you, all I want is a BLT and fries. The perfect breakfast in my humble opinion. It has toast, bacon, potatoes, and even some veggies thrown in. What's not to love, right? Well, you could say eggs, but I'm not a huge egg fan, so oh well. Looking through the menu I don't see a BLT but I do see this: Eggs Benedict Ole! Two grilled english muffins, two chorizo patties, and two poached eggs covered in a chipotle hollandaise sauce.

" What are you going to order?" Rich asks me. Does every married couple do this? I know by experience, if I order the same thing he does, neither one of us will change our order. So why ask?

" I'm intrigued." I said. Yes, I actually said that. Wouldn't you, after seeing Eggs Benedict Ole! It's intruging. This seems to catch his attention.

" Intrigued? Why intrigued?"

I read him the description and say " This has the potential of being really good or really, really bad."

" Are you chicken? Because don't you always get mad at me for not trying new things. Don't you always say "Try it, you might just like it. How do you know if its good unless you try."" Rich sing-songed, staring right at me.

Shit! My husband just threw the gauntlet down at my feet. Do I step up and have truck stop hollandaise? Bourdain warns you about hollandaise sauce and eggs benedict in Kitchen Confidental. I could imagine what he would say about truck stop hollandaise sauce. Maybe I should wisely back down and hear him mock me until I'm on my death bed. Hell, he'd mock me on my death-bed. Then on my tombstone, he would put "She didn't try the Eggs Benedict Ole!"

" So, what'll you have?" the waitress asked.

Bet you know what I ordered. That's right "Eggs Benedict Ole" There is no way I am going to hear him make fun of me for the rest of my life.

When breakfast arrived, it looked like eggs benedict except the hollandaise sauce had a smokey red color to it. Alright, this isn't going to be a disaster, I thought to myself. The impression after my first bite was that it needed to be hotter (temperature wise). My second bite was a little spicier and a lot more puzzling. I couldn't figure it out.

" Try it." I told Rich laughing.

Rich took a bite and said, " It's oddly good but it needs to hotter and something is missing, though."

" That's what I thought."

" But you want to keep eating it." Rich said, also laughing.

"Strange, huh?"

I know I'll never forget this meal because I have been alternately giggling and puzzling over it. The hollandaise sauce was really smoky in flavor instead of lemony and buttery, so I don't know if that's why it was so strange. Or if it was the spiciness of the chorizo patties instead of the salty Canadian bacon. It was the oddest taste sensation. Will I order it again? Probably not. Did I regret ordering it? Nah, because on my death-bed I won't have to hear Rich say I didn't try the "Eggs Benedict Ole!" and as the Master-Card commercial says that's "priceless."

Overheard...

Will, sous chef #3, said something about Anthony Bourdain, I can't remember what it was but I said...

" If Bourdain came to town you would be motherless."

" At least, we'd have a cool step-dad."

Right back at me without a second thought... ouch that was cold, oh, so cold.

What's For Dinner?

Kids: "Hey Mom. What's for dinner?"

Evil Chef Mom: "Fish Scales and Leftover Potato Peels."

The Power of Beans & Rice

It's all about the rice and beans in this house. It's the ultimate comfort food.

Beans

Here's what you need:

1 package of pinto beans

2 tablespoons of pork lard

Yes! I said pork lard, do you really want bland beans? That's a fate worse than death. Fine, you have a problem with lard, then use some bacon fat or chorizo renderings. Just use something to give it flavor.

1 medium yellow or white onion

Salt

Chili Powder Blend (I like The Spice Hunter brand because on top of having garlic in it, it has cocoa powder, cumin, cinnamon, and cloves. That's what makes it good.)

Sort beans, making sure to get any debris. Then rinse.

In a medium to large heavy pot, add beans and fill with about 3 quarts of water or stock, if you have it. Make sure to get any beans that float. Add lard or whatever fat you choose to the pot and the onion. Bring to a boil then reduce to a slow simmer. Cover pot halfway and simmer for about 2 hours or until beans are tender. Remember to keep adding water or stock if needed.

Add about a teaspoon of salt and chili powder. Stir. Let simmer for about 10-20 minutes more. Taste. Add more if needed. Trust me it needs it. It always does.

Rice

2 1/2 cups of chicken stock or water

2 tablespoons of veggie oil or some of that bacon or chorizo renderings.

1 1/2 cups of white rice

1 small yellow or white onion, chopped (optional)

1 clove garlic, finely chopped (also optional, you'll see why in a second)

This first part is like making risotto. In a heavy saucepan, heat oil until hot. Duh! Then add the rice and onion and cook until they turn a milky color, it takes about four minutes. You are stirring, right? Then add garlic and stir a little longer. Add stock or water, give another stir. Cover and turn down the heat to the low. Let cook for 15 minutes-20 minutes until done.

Here's why I said the onions and garlic are optional. I like to make a very crude salsa to put on my rice.

1 small white onion, chopped

3 roma tomatoes, chopped

A handful of cilantro, roughly chopped

Mix together. Add a couple squeezes of lime juice and some salt and pepper to taste. Serve over the rice.

Condiments to serve with the beans and rice (if you want):

cheese: cheddar, jack, queso fresco or cotija, (my personal favorite; salty and crumbly. mmmm)

warm tortillas

crema fresca casera or sour cream

Do you hear that?

*silence*

That is a bunch of kids eating. Quietly. Without arguing or complaining. That's the power of beans and rice. (and not that kind of power, either!)

Overheard...

" You know Mom would rather have a dinner at French Laundry than jewelry as a Christmas gift." said Katie, sous chef #1.

So true.

leftovers...

Thanksgiving turned out rather well. No one died from food poisoning or mass mashed potato suicide. So it's all good. Will, little sous chef #3, peeled 12 pounds of potatoes, without complaint, even after everyone else bailed out on him. If my brothers and sisters did that to me, I would've found a way to beat the living crap out of them. Now I know why they still run away from me.

While everyone was waiting to eat some turkey, we watched Ratatouille, nothing says Thanksgiving like watching a rat cook! Don't get me wrong, I love the movie, but I hate the part when all the rats are in the kitchen cooking. *shudder* After the movie, the turkey still wasn't done. The house smells great and you are sooo hungry, what do you do now? You play Guitar Hero III. Even my mom got into the act by playing Slow Ride by Foghat. It keeps your mind off the wonderful turkey smell coming out of the kitchen but the trade off is, you have Slow Ride in your head for the next couple days.

Slow ride...take it easy...

After dinner, was a mean game dominoes and Scrabble. I do mean, mean. Bad words, locking up the game just because you can, and if you don't call out your points right away you're not getting them. It's pretty cut throat. Literally. My family shows no mercy. All and all, it was a normal Thanksgiving.

Now on to the best part, leftovers. Last night for dinner we used some of the ham to make ham & cheese omelets. I say we, because I prepped, and the man, Rich, came home after a 12 hour shift and made omelets. He kicks ass and irritates me. His omelets are light and fluffy and perfect. Mine, not so much. When I point this out to him all pissy like, because you know, it is my kitchen. He just tells me," Yeah, but you do all the barbecuing." That always shuts me up. That's right, I AM the grill bitch. (just get a copy of Anthony Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential and read it already!) So what if my husband can make a better omelet than me, I can out grill him. It all evens out. Now if I could get Slow Ride out of my head.

I'm in the mood

The rhythm is right

Move to the music

We can roll all night

Oooh Slowride....

What's For Dinner? Thanksgiving Edition!

Kids:" Hey Mom. What's for dinner? Just Kidding!"

It's Official, I'm an Idiot!

Yesterday, started out great. A trip to the farmers market to get my knives sharpened. Doesn't that sound weird, sharp objects and public places could be a cops nightmare. This gentleman, he had such a beautiful accent, European, that I forgot his name. Well, he owns Perfect Edge and goes around to the Farmers Markets in our county and some of the cooking supply places around town and sharpens knives. He took my knives and told me to go shop while he sharpening them. Do you know when you don't have any money that's when you see something you want to buy? Walking around the Farmers Market was like that for me yesterday. If Thanksgiving was at my house this year I would've changed my whole menu at the last minute. They had these carrots that I wanted to adopt, they were absolutely beautiful. They were light orange and fat with the bright green fronds still attached (until I get a digital camera, you are gonna have to use you imagination). I restrained myself and only bought some sunflowers and the most perfect walnuts ever. They actually called out to me. " Buy Me. Do something wonderful to me!" So I did. I'm just not sure what the wonderful thing is yet.

When I went back to pick up my knives, the knife guy, wait I can't call him that. He is way too dignified for Knife Guy. The Knife Gentleman gently scolded me about my beautiful Global knives. How they nick quite easily and I really should use a big heavy German knife for the harder things. I hung my head down ashamed, and mumbled something like "I've committed knife abuse and I'll be more careful in the future" just like a little kid. He just chuckled and said he'll see me again. I think he didn't believe me.

I get home, ready to cook and I do. I'm a cooking fool. Things are going perfect. Everything for Thanksgiving, except the potatoes and dinner for the night, are cooked. Until... I burn my wrist. This is so stupid. I burn my wrist, not on the oven, not on a hot pan, not in oil or water. I burn it defrosting meat for dinner. I put some hamburger that was in a Ziplock bag in the microwave to defrost and instead of pressing the defrost button like a smart person would do. I cook it. When I grab it out of the microwave, POW! The Ziplock Bag explodes. Hot steam and hamburger fat everywhere. It's official, I'm an idiot. What a stupid mistake. But I didn't read Kitchen Confidential for nothing! I ran cold water over the burn, grabbed an ice pack and a kitchen towel and tied it to my wrist and re-did dinner just like a good chef would do. I don't need no stinkin' doctor! Actually, I wouldn't want to go into the doctors office for something so dumb.

Instead of telling everyone have a happy Thanksgiving. I'm going to say "Have an Injury Free Thanksgiving!"

Sing- A- Long

I have to get busy cooking, but trust me this will be stuck in my head all day. I'll probably get sued by NBC for printing this, but I couldn't help it. Have a Happy Thankgiving!

The Thanksgiving Song

Adam Sandler

Love to eat turkey

'Cause it's good

Love to eat turkey

Like a good boy should

'Cause it's turkey to eat

So good

Turkey for me

Turkey for you

Let's eat the turkey

In my big brown shoe

Love to eat the turkey

At the table

I once saw a movie

With Betty Grable

Eat that turkey

All night long

Fifty million Elvis fans

Can't be wrong

Turkey lurkey doo and

Turkey lurkey dap

I eat that turkey

Then I take a nap

Thanksgiving is a special night

Jimmy Walker used to say Dynomite

That's right

Turkey with gravy and cranberry

Can't believe the Mets traded Darryl Strawberry

Turkey for you and

Turkey for me

Can't believe Tyson

Gave that girl V.D.

White meat, dark meat

You just can't lose

I fell off my moped

And I got a bruise

Turkey in the oven

And the buns in the toaster

I'll never take down

My Cheryl Tiegs poster

Wrap the turkey up

In aluminum foil

My brother likes to masturbate

With baby oil

Turkey and sweet potato pie

Sammy Davis Jr.

Only had one eye

Turkey for the girls and

Turkey for the boys

My favorite kind of pants

Are corduroys

Gobble gobble goo and

Gobble gobble gickel

I wish turkey

Only cost a nickel

Oh I love turkey on Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

Mass Mashed Potato Suicide!

Here what's on the menu for Thanksgiving. Also included is who's making each dish.


Appetizers:

Deviled Eggs: (Robin/little sister) If she didn't make deviled eggs no one would show up.

A spanakopita amuse bouche: (Stacey/little sister) I know this is the first time she has brought this appetizer. I'm sure I'll post the recipe when I get it or she'll probably post it herself.

Garbonzo Beans:(me) This recipe has already been posted before.

Hot Artichoke and Spinach Dip: (me/courtesy of Paula Deen)

1 (10-ounce) package frozen chopped spinach

2 (13 3/4-ounce) cans artichoke hearts

1/2 cup mayonnaise

1/2 cup sour cream

1 cup freshly grated Parmesan

1 cup grated pepper jack cheese


Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Grease a casserole dish with nonstick spray. Heat the spinach in a microwave oven on high for 5 minutes and squeeze dry. Drain the artichoke hearts and coarsely chop in a food processor. Combine all the ingredients except the jack cheese in a large bowl. Stir well. Scrape into the prepared casserole dish and sprinkle the jack cheese on top. Bake for 30 minutes. Transfer to a chafing dish and keep warm over a low flame. Serve with bagel chips.

I always add at least another cup of pepper jack cheese and mix it through out the dip. Then spread the remaining cup on top of the dip before putting it into the oven. Also, instead of bagel chips I use bread like all the other artichoke-spinach dips. I mean, if you are going to eat something so artery clogging, you might as well go all out!

I think that's all we are having for appetizers but knowing my family I am definitely missing something. We have been known to get together and have a dinner of all appetizers.

Dinner:

A Diestle Turkey: (Mom) She says she will brine the turkey and roast it with onions, celery, and apples. Diestle turkeys are great, they have been range growing turkeys on the same Sonora California ranch since 1949. You can also visit the ranch if you like that sort of thing. I like knowing my turkey is local and fresh.

Stuffing:(Mom) She says this will have caramelized onions and shallots, artichoke hearts and celery in the mix. Maybe with some cornbread but she didn't sound so sure.

Mashed Potatoes:(me) apparently everyone wants to commit suicide. I warned them.

Please scroll down if you are at all squeamish! Don't read if you weak at heart! It's so not for the weak of heart! Please, I beg of you, don't read this recipe. Okay, I've warned you. If you die at your computer, so be it!

Peel and cut up 10 pounds of potatoes. (I like regular brown potatoes in the bag)

Boil in salted water until tender.

Rice them, whip them, mash them with a old fashioned masher. I don't care, just don't read the rest of this because, well, you know, I've already warned you.

Take two cubes of butter (melted) yes, 2 cubes, more than likely 3 or 4 cubes, if the potatoes seem dry.

1 (8-ounce) package of cream cheese (room temperature)

Some heavy cream preferably warmed with the melted butter. How much you ask? It really depends on the potatoes just add a 1/2 cup then keep tasting. Add more as you see fit. A lot more.

Don't forget the salt and pepper. Season to your taste.

Mix all of that together and say your prayers. I warned you that this recipe was really obnoxious and bad for you.

Roasted Apple, Pear, and Cranberry Sauce: (me) I'm pretty sure I've already done this recipe somewhere on this site before. Until I can figure out how to link it all up it should be under the label: recipes.

I'm sure we are having rolls, gravy, and hopefully, a salad.

Dessert:

Pumpkin Pie: (Robin)

Chocolate Pecan Pie: (Robin) Best. Pie. Ever.

Gooey Pumpkin Cake?: (Stacey) I think this is what she called it. Again, after I get the recipe I'll post it, but she'll probably leave a comment about how I screwed it all up. Sorry Stacey!

Homemade Vanilla Ice Cream: (me) Robin specifically asked me to make homemade ice cream this year. I got this recipe from David Lebovitz's web site. (Sorry. I have to get my brother Pete over here to show me how to link things up, because I'm not computer literate. Just bear with me for now.) DO NOT mess with this recipe because it's perfect.


Vanilla Ice Cream (courtesy of David Lebovitz):

1 cup milk

A pinch of salt

3/4 cups sugar

1 vanilla bean

5 egg yolks

2 cup heavy cream

A few drops of vanilla extract

1. Heat the milk, salt, and sugar in a saucepan. Split the vanilla bean lengthwise and scrape the seeds into the milk with the tip of a paring knife. Add the bean pod to the milk.

2. Stir together the egg yolks in a bowl and gradually add some of the warmed milk, stirring constantly as you pour. Pour the warmed yolks back into the saucepan.

3. Cook over low heat, stirring constantly and scraping the bottom with a heat-resistant spatula until the custard thickens enough to coat the spatula. Strain the custard into the heavy cream. Rinse the vanilla bean and put it back into the custard and cream to continue steeping. Chill thoroughly, then remove the vanilla bean and freeze in your ice cream maker according to the manufacturers instructions.

Cream Cheese Pound Cake:(me)

1 1/2 cups butter, softened

1 (8 ounce) package of cream cheese, softened

3 cups sugar

6 eggs

1 egg yolk

2 teaspoons of vanilla extract

3 cups cake flour

Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Grease and flour a 12- cup Bundt pan. Combine all ingredients except flour and beat until smooth. Add cake flour 1/2 cup at a time. Stir together until smooth. Pour into pan. Bake for 70 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.

Lemon Glaze for Pound Cake: (me)

1/2 cup freshly squeezed lemon juice

2 cups confectioners' sugar, sifted

1 lemon, zest finely grated

1 tablespoon unsalted butter

Mix the lemon juice and confectioners' sugar together in a microwave-safe bowl. Stir until the sugar dissolves. Add the lemon zest and butter. Nuke it for 30 seconds on high. Whisk the glaze to smooth out any lumps. Pour over pound cake.

Homemade Whipped Cream:(me) NO stuff from a can or a tub. If you don't know how to make whipped cream from scratch, I'm not sure why you're even reading this blog. While I'm whipping the cream, I add a little bit of Grand Marnier and of course, sugar.

Shhh... forget some of what I just wrote up there about whipped cream. Because it wouldn't be Thanksgiving without it, you have to get one can of whipped cream in the can, so you can squirt it into your mouth! Sometimes homemade stuff is so overrated.

Well, that's our Thanksgiving menu. If you read or see on the news about the family who died of mass mashed potato suicide, it was us!

Chicken That Tastes Like Mexico!

Yes, the title sounds odd. I know this, but Katie, my goodie two shoes daughter named this chicken after she went on a trip to Mexico to build playground equipment on her spring break. Ugh, doesn't that sound so nerdy. I swear if I was in high school with her.... I don't even want to finish that sentence. At least, she's not a cheerleader. Oh wow, can you tell I hated high school?

Making this chicken is so easy and it really tastes good. I promise.

Chicken That Tastes Like Mexico

Chicken legs or thighs (skin on)

3-5 limes

chili powder (California chili powder works great)

3 bay leaves

oregano

salt and pepper

enough olive oil to coat the chicken

Place the chicken in a Ziplock bag or bowl. Put enough chili powder, oregano, salt, pepper and olive oil to coat the chicken. Then add the bay leaves. Zest of one of the limes and use the juice from all of them and add to the chicken. Mix it all together and let it marinate. I have let it sit in the fridge for two days. Use your common sense. If you let it marinate for 10 days, it's your own fault if you get sick. Grill or cook under the broiler until chicken is done. I normally serve this with rice and beans, I mean rice and beans like you get in a Mexican restaurant. In the summer, I grill some corn on the cob to go with it. Feel free to serve it with anything. Just let me know if it tastes like Mexico.

To Add or Not To Add... That is the Question.

Oh, potatoes! How do I love thee? Let me count thy ways. Mashed, fried, scalloped, roasted, baked, hash browns, tater tots, gnocchi, soup, twice-baked, pancakes. Okay, admittedly, it sounds more like Bubba from Forest Gump, fried shrimp, shrimp scampi, shrimp kabob, shrimp gumbo... but you get the point. One of the dishes I am bringing to my Mom's house for Thanksgiving is mashed potatoes. I have to make enough for approximately 15 people. I always double that, because we've got a lot of strapping, healthy men in our family and they can pack that food away. I'm thinking I need at the very least 10 pounds of spuds. I'm not worried about peeling them, though. See, I am Evil Chef Mom with lots of sous chefs, so it works out great. Other than being tax deductions, they are master potato peelers!

The potatoes are peeled. Now what? Some people like them lumpy, with some skins in the mash. Others like them whipped using the Kitchen Aid mixer, or light and fluffy, done with a ricer. As far as I'm concerned, I like the ricer best. Why make them pasty, dense, and heavy with a stand mixer, then add more stuff to make the mashed potatoes like mortar? Or would you rather use a ricer to make fluffy and light potatoes, then add all the goodies. You won't get potatoes like mortar, or cement mix for that matter.

The whipped versus riced potatoes fight has now been settled. Riced has won by a landslide. Now the goodies. What to put in the spuds? I could do an ethereal olive oil and roasted garlic mashed potatoes. Or go with the really sinful heavy cream, butter, and cream cheese spuds. You know, the kind of potatoes you would keel over and die from a heart attack approximately 20 minutes after eating them.

So I have a dilemma. To add or not to add. Maybe it should be to kill or not to kill. I guess I'll have to call my mom to see who's all coming over for dinner. Wink.Wink.

What's For Dinner?

Kids:" Hey Mom. What's for dinner?"

Evil Chef Mom" Moldy sour cream and slugs."

What's For Dinner?

Kids:" Hey Mom. What's for dinner?

Evil Chef Mom:" Mucus"

Kids:" Gag."

Random Top Chef Sighting!

I love me some Top Chef, but now having watched The Next Iron Chef, I wish Top Chef would go with more of a professional, less drama type show. It was really refreshing to watch a real cooking show, with real chefs on Food Network. Enough time wasted on playing TV critic and back to the topic at hand. Guess who was standing in front of us last night at the movie theatre? Michael Midgley from Season 2 of Top Chef. He was the guy who had wisdom tooth surgery done, then won both the Quickfire and Elimination in the same episode. He was the only "chef" to do that so far. I put quotes around chef because in my hometown paper I see his name and picture all the time as a... (wait for it).... realtor. I guess Top Chef didn't take Michael so far or maybe he's biding his time until he opens up a restaurant. No, I didn't ask to take his picture or even talk to him. What is there to say " Hey, you're that guy on Top Chef." Sorry, that's just lame. Now if it was Anthony Bourdain (sigh), I would totally be willing to make an ass of myself.

Floyd the Finch

Once upon a time there was a finch named Floyd. He had just found a mate, a beautiful finch, named Ella. Floyd built a wonderful nest made of the softest down, brightest paper, and smoothest branches that he could find. He wanted to make things just right for his new bride and the family they were about to have. Every day, Floyd went into the big city to bring home food for the babies and goodies for the nest, while Ella sat at home preening her feathers. Living next door was an obnoxious, showy, loud mouth blue jay named Rámon. But Floyd didn't pay him any mind because well, he was an obnoxious blue jay.

After a long day foraging, all Floyd wanted to do was come home to his his family. When he arrived home the nest was empty and a letter taped to a branch.

Dear Floyd,

Rámon and I are going south and I'm taking the kids with me. Sorry Floyd, you are a boring and plain finch. I don't love you anymore.

Ella

Floyd was distraught. He took some shiny fishing line that he had been saving for Ella and tied a noose. Floyd then flew to the nearest intersection and tied the line to a stop light and jumped.

" Good Bye, cruel world."

Poor Floyd.

I pass by Floyd everyday on my way to pick up Katie and her friend, Anna, from school. He hung himself on the intersection of Wilson Way and Fremont Street. If you don't believe me, go drive by and take a look. Katie and Anna noticed him over a year ago. It was so bizarre to see a bird hanging from a stop light, that we had to make up a story. Hence, the story of Floyd was born. Can you imagine one day if someone was driving by, had their sunroof opened and the noose broke and Floyds' mummified body fell into the drivers lap?

No More Cooking Block For Me

Yesterday, I went on a baking and cooking rampage. No more cooking block for me, no sirree, not me. Let's start with the baking. I made a cream cheese pound cake, two loaves of focaccia, supervised Nancy and Katie make dark chocolate chip cookies. For dinner, we had Ziti with Tuscan- Style Cauliflower from Mario Batali's The Babbo Cookbook.

Ziti with Tuscan- Style Cauliflower

Serves 4 (I double the recipe)

kosher salt

1/4 extra- virgin olive oil

1 red onion, finely chopped

1/2 bunch of fresh mint, leaves only (I never have mint on hand and always forget about buying it. It's good with or without it.)

1 teaspoon hot red pepper flakes

2 garlic cloves, thinly sliced

2 heads of cauliflower, cut into 1 inch chunks

1 pound ziti

pecorino romano cheese, for grating

Bring about 6 quarts of water to a boil and add 2 tablespoons of salt.

In a saute pan, heat olive oil over high heat until almost smoking. Add onion, mint, pepper flakes, and garlic, and saute over medium- high heat until the garlic is just golden, 1-2 minutes. Add cauliflower and cook until tender, about 7 minutes.

Cook ziti in the water according to the package directions , until tender yet al dente. Drain pasta and add to the pan with the cauliflower. Toss over high heat for 1 minute. Grate cheese over each serving.

A couple of notes. It's not kidding about getting that oil almost smoking and salting the water. The dish tastes very bland otherwise. In Bill Buford's book, Heat, he writes about cooking at Mario Batali's Babbo kitchen and those two things are made very clear in the book, pasta water should taste like ocean water and Mario Batali likes HOT oil. Oh and one more thing, on page 130 it says ignore the Babbo cookbook. Go Figure.

To go with the pasta, I made focaccia bread.

4 cups flour

1 1/2 tsp salt

1 package of yeast

olive oil (I'm begging you, please, use good olive oil)

2 cups warm water divided

Dissolve yeast in one cup warm water.

Combine flour and salt. Add yeast liquid and the other cup of water. Mix with floured hands until dough is damp and sticks together. Form into a ball and cover. Let rise for up to 24 hours at the minimum 1 1/2 - 2 hours. On a cookie sheet pour enough olive oil to cover bottom. Spread dough on the cookie sheet and punch holes in the dough. Let dough rise again for 30-45 minutes. Sprinkle with olive oil and 1 teaspoon of salt. Bake at 475-500 degrees for 15-20 minutes on the top shelf of oven.

Side note: if you want seasoned focaccia, of course rosemary works well. So does cracked pepper or Italian seasoning.

Dessert was a cream cheese pound cake with a raspberry sauce. Next time, my little sous chefs want a lemon glaze on top of the cake to cut down on the richness of this dessert.

Cream Cheese Pound Cake

1 1/2 cups butter, softened

1 (8 ounce) package of cream cheese, softened

3 cups sugar

6 eggs

1 egg yolk

2 teaspoons of vanilla extract

3 cups cake flour


Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Grease And flour a 12- cup Bundt pan.Combine all ingredients except flour and beat until smooth. Add cake flour 1/2 cup at a time. Stir together until smooth. Pour into pan. Bake 70 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.

For the raspberry sauce, I cheated, I committed a culinary sin, but it worked. I took my favorite jam named ironically, Favorit. It is a Swiss preserve that doesn't have anything artificial in it. It's not overly sweet, it just tastes like really good raspberries. I heated the jam in a saucepan over low heat, then strained it to remove the seeds, and poured it over the pound cake.

See, I didn't have to hide the cauliflower, everyone ate it, even the really picky ones. That's how good it was. Also, you now have a different dish to serve if you have any vegetarian friends or family. We have a couple in my family and I'm always struggling to find them something good to cook.

I forgot about the dark chocolate chip cookies! Use the Toll House recipe just substitute dark chocolate chips for the Toll House morsels. As in any typical house in America with 4 kids, the cookies have already vanished.

Sing Along!

The best thing about being around my little chefs is they are always singing something. I have tried to give my kids a good musical education. You'll hear a lot of random music coming from their mouths, Ramones, Foo Fighters, ZZ Top, Queens Of The Stone Age, Jay-Z, The Kooks, Led Zeppelin, Beastie Boys, Scissor Sisters, Nick Drake, they will even hum along to Mozart on occasion. You name it, they have probably have sung it. But the funniest thing is when they make up their own songs. You'll figure out what was being cooked, when you hear this song. Feel free to sing along...

I heart waffles

Yes, I do

I heart waffles

How 'bout you?

(repeat multiple times)

Caption This Picture...

If you can't read the sign it says:

Bloods, Crips, Republicans, Nortenos, Sordenos (sic)

This sign was posted in front of a house on a very busy street in my city.

Obviously, this person has something to say about the state of politics in our country.

What's For Dinner?

Kids: "Hey Mom. What's for dinner?"

Evil Chef Mom: "Toe jam and bellybutton lint."

Definition: Cooking Block & Eating Block

Inspiration struck this morning while I was laying in bed. So I got up and thumbed through Michael Ruhlman's The Elements Of Cooking to look for a definition of what cooking block might mean. No definition. Come on now, there has to be something about this. I'm sure all around the world there's discussions about this all the time.

In a restaurant kitchen I imagine it might go like this:

" We have already done this special a couple months ago, we can't repeat it."

In the restaurant dining room it might go:

" We already had this here. I made this for dinner last night and I really don't want that." I know I have done this one too many times.

At home it might go like this:

"We had chicken last night. I'm really not in the mood for salmon tonight. No, I don't feel like cooking omelets either."

"Then let's go out. Where do you want to go?"

"I don't know. I don't want Chinese, Sushi, Italian, American."

You end up at home, standing in front of the fridge trying to figure out what looks good, while eating a PB&J sandwich you didn't even want!

Cooking block: When a cook has all the ingredients and tools to make a meal but just stares at the fridge or ingredients stupidly because they can't think of what to cook.

Eating block: When you are hungry but nothing sounds good. Do not mistake someone with eating block for a picky eater. They are two very distinct and separate food issues.

.... I Still Have Cooking Block...but in the morning I'm making waffles!

Sigh... I still have cooking block. Katie says it's because I had such a cooking flourish that I was bound to become dormant for awhile. Jeez, I sound like a tree or a bush. What a comforting thought. This week I went back to my standards.

Monday: I can't even remember what we had. That's not good.

Tuesday: Krabby Patties. If you watch SpongeBob Squarepants, you already know what we had. If not, and you need a translator, we had hamburgers. My little chefs named them after watching way too much TV. I remember a long time ago reading an interview with Julia Child. One of her favorite meals was a good hamburger, done right, with iceberg lettuce, red onions, and tomatoes. Man, was she right, it hit the spot. All I can tell you is to make sure you butter the inside of the buns and toast them under the broiler or face down on the grill. That is the extra step that makes a good burger fantastic.

Wednesday: Homemade mac 'n cheese. I'm guilty of stealing this recipe from Tyler Florence. Cringe. But it really is good.

Here's the recipe:

Kosher salt

1 pound elbow macaroni

4 cups milk

2 or 3 sprigs thyme

4 cloves garlic, smashed and divided

3 tablespoons unsalted butter

3 tablespoons all-purpose flour

5 1/2 cups shredded sharp white Cheddar

Freshly ground black pepper

1/4 cup chopped flat-leaf parsley

4 slices bacon, cut crosswise into thin strips

1 large onion, diced

2 garlic cloves

smashed leaves from 1/4 bunch fresh thyme

Bring a pot of salted water to a boil over high heat. Add the macaroni and cook for 8 to 9 minutes, until al dente. Drain.

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F.

In a small saucepan heat the milk with the thyme sprigs and 2 garlic cloves. Melt the butter in a large, deep skillet over medium-high heat. Whisk in the flour and cook for about 1 minute, stirring constantly, to keep lumps from forming. Strain the solids out of the milk and whisk it into the butter and flour mixture. Continue to whisk vigorously, and cook until the mixture is nice and smooth. Stir in the 4 cups of the cheese and continue to cook and stir to melt the cheese. Season with salt and pepper. Add the cooked macaroni and the parsley and fold that all in to coat the macaroni with the cheese mixture. Scrape into a 3-quart baking dish and sprinkle with the remaining 1 1/2 cups cheese. Bake for 30 minutes, or until hot and bubbly.

While that bakes, heat a saute pan. Add the bacon, render the fat and cook until crispy. Add onion, garlic and thyme leaves and cook for about 5 minutes to soften the onion. Season with salt and pepper.
To serve, scatter the bacon mixture over the mac and cheese. Use a big spoon to scoop out servings, making sure you get some of the smoking bacon mixture on each spoonful.

The only thing I do different is add a lot more bacon and mix it throughout the mac 'n cheese instead of scattering on top. Trust me, it's much better. Ironically, when I was a child, we had mac 'n cheese every Wednesday night. From a box. I hated it and resisted mac 'n cheese for a long time and I think you can understand why. Really, from a box? My dad had no love.

Thursday: Waffles. Who can resist waffles? Even The Man, Rich, likes waffles. A couple of words; Carbon's Golden Malted Original Pancake & Waffle Flour. Best. Mix. Ever. I don't think anything or anybody can do it better. Seriously, it's an epiphany. It's so good, you'll wonder how you lived without it. If I really had to, I trade in my youngest sous chef for that mix. It's that good.

Tonight: I think I might have broken my cooking block. I really haven't, but positive thinking can't hurt, right? Tonight we are having steak, sauteed mushrooms, and risotto. Hopefully cooking block doesn't turn into cooking badly.

What's For Dinner?

Kids:" Hey Mom, what's for dinner?"

Evil Chef Mom:" Fried worms and spider legs."

What's For Dinner?

Kids:" Hey Mom, What's for dinner?"

Evil Chef Mom:" I don't know."

Kids, incredulous,"Ahh, come on Mom. What are we having for dinner?"

E.C.M." I really don't know."

Kids:" But I'm hungry."

E.C.M. " So am I."

I Need, I Want, I'm Whining!

Do you ever have one of those days when you wake up you just know its going to be funky? Not really bad, just kinda off. That's one of those days for me. Maybe it's the time change or just too much Halloween candy but all I feel like doing is whining. Let's let it rip.

To even admit this, puts me in a funk, but I really need a digital camera. This blog really needs pictures and I hate the idea of a digital camera. I love my Minolta camera using film, real film. I hate Photoshop. I know I'll have fun with a digital camera, I can edit the photos I don't like on the spot. What about the ... I'm going to stop right there because it's an arguement without a clear winner. Just like a political debate, round and round without no one really answering the questions.

I want a new IPod. Perferably an IPod nano with a dock so I can listen to it in the kitchen. I have always listened to music in the kitchen but I'm finding out I want better sound quality.

I also need to get my Global knives sharpened. Carving pumpkins took a toll on them. I should be reported to someone, because my knives are being abused. I'm ashamed.

I have cooking block. I don't know what I want to cook. I just went grocery shopping, so it can't be that I don't have anything to cook. It's I have too much to cook.

I'm not worried about the war in Iraq, my kids, Pakistan, or my house falling down around my ears. Oh Noooo, I'm worried about knives, sound quality, and cooking block. I really need to go back to bed and start my day over again.

Thanksgiving (hostage) Negotiatons. Part II

Negotiations are done. They officially ended at approximately 12:25pm PST. Here's how it went down.

The suspect (mom) called to let the police know Thanksgiving will be at her house. Police asked if she read hostages (her child) blog because the timing was a little too perfect. The suspect (mom) said no she hadn't and just needs to get into the habit of reading it. All hostages were released without injury. The suspect will only be formally charged with failure to read the hostages (her child) blog. Lawyers predict she will receive a suspended sentence.

Top Ramen Night

I'm looking forward to tonight. The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror and The Next Iron Chef are both on television tonight. It's also Top Ramen night. First, some background is needed on Top Ramen night. Katie, the oldest sous chef, is a sophomore in high school. As you can imagine college is a frequent dinner conversation. What schools does she want to look at? What does she want to major in? SAT's, PSAT's, ACT's,the list goes on and on. All I think about is how to pay for college and how is she going to get fed? Feeding Katie won't be a problem if she goes to the CIA (Culinary Institute of America). We are going to tour the Napa campus this summer. List that under how to make a foodie mom happy. If she decides not to go there, what then?

Katie and I have always talk about when she leaves for school that she won't have enough money to eat like she does at home. She's not talking money to eat out, she's talking about money to purchase ingredients for food. Don't get the wrong idea I have to feed 6-8 people and I do not have an unlimited budget. When I do make things,like risotto, I buy good Arborio rice, cheese, wine, butter, oil, ect. She's afraid she won't be able to eat in the style to which she is accustomed to. That's how Top Ramen night was born. I needed to show her and the other sous chefs how to eat cheap and well and never,ever, under any circumstances order discounted sushi just because it's cheap and you're hungry.

Here's the recipe:

Top Ramen ( we use 5-7 packages)

Leftover Meat ( I like leftover shredded tri-tip or ham) but anything will work. Turkey from Thanksgiving, maybe.

Soy Sauce or Korean Stir-fry sauce or Sriracha

You gotta have at the very least:

green onions (finely chopped)

cilantro ( I like a lot and coarsely chopped)

Things to add:

thinly sliced carrots

cabbage

any veggie you can think of

All you need to do is cook the noodles according to the package but do not add all the seasoning packets. It's yucky, gross, and unhealthy. I only add one packet. When you add the noodles to the boiling water to cook, I would also add the leftover meat. After the noodles are done I add a couple of splashes of soy sauce, a little bit of sriracha, lots of green onion, cilantro, and carrots. I like my carrots thinly sliced so they are crunchy and cook slightly in the broth.It's cheap, because you should be using staples from your fridge (or they should be), leftover meat, and lots of vegetables. We can argue about the affordability of vegetables another time, but where I live, veggies at the farmers market and stands are cheaper than the grocery store. It's a fun and adaptable meal. The kids add what they like and leave out the things they don't. Hopefully, I will have taught them enough things to cook cheaply, that they won't eat discounted sushi.

Thanksgiving (hostage) Negotiatons.

Halloween is over, so it's time to start thinking about Thanksgiving! Normally when you ask people " What is your favorite holiday?" I swear at least 80% of the answers are Christmas. Well, Bah Humbug! My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving. There is no pressure about buying people the perfect gift or which parties to attend. Cooking is not pressure, neither is eating and hanging out with my family. But before I can even start writing about cooking Thanksgiving dinner. I have to solve the problem of where are we going? or Am I having it here? My parents are divorced so it can be a delicate question. Where did we go last year? Where are Stacey, Nick, and Robin (my siblings) going? Do they want to do Thanksgiving at their place? Do either one of my parents want to do dinner at their house? and don't forget about our various spouses and their families. It's like a hostage situation. Negotiations start, threats and demands are issued, and either someone ends up dead or at the very least bloodied. Sounds like fun.

Robin put out the first feelers this year by asking me what I wanted to do. This is the curse of the oldest child, in one sentence she shifted all of the negotiations to me. Though, at my niece's (her daughter) soccer game she did ask my mom what we were doing for Thanksgiving. No answer, crickets chirping, not a peep, I'm not even if sure if she heard the question. Then a day later I asked my dad what was going on for Thanksgiving. He, at least, said he was going to talk to Shelia (his fiancee). I need to know folks, after all I've got a food blog I'm trying to write.

Trick-or-Treat!

I guess Tami didn't want her house egged. Darn, I was looking forward to some mischief. She decided to redeem herself and avert a crisis by bringing over some vodka and soda. That will teach her to offer someone a drink and never give them one! But, she called me on my bluff, because included with the vodka and soda was a carton of eggs.

" If you still want to egg my house, there's some eggs in the bag also." Tami said," but I'll know who did it."

" Oops. I guess I shouldn't have wrote about that." I told her.

I just realized I was a bad hostess too. I didn't even offer her a drink. If my house gets egged in the next few days, I'll know who did it.

What's For Dinner?

Kids:" Hey Mom! What's for dinner?"

Evil Chef Dad:" Chocolate Cake."

Cue the kids singing an old Bill Cosby song....

" Dad is Great! He made us chocolate cake! Dad is great, he made us chocolate cake!"

Now that's truly evil because Dad isn't cooking dinner tonight.

Discuss.

Please, please, please tell me the producers know what they are doing. Meryl Streep is going to play Julia Child in a movie. A movie based on the book and blog; Julie and Julia 365 days, 524 recipes, 1 tiny apartment: How One Girl Risked Her Marriage, Her Job, and Her Sanity to Master the Art of Living by Julie Powell. Julie Powell cooked all 524 recipes in Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking. I think it took a lot of chutzpah or insanity to cook all those dishes. Sometimes chutzpah and insanity are one and the same. I loved the book, but if I remember correctly Julia Child wasn't too keen on the Julie/Julia project. I thought she would see the humor in it. So, when I read that part in the book I was surprised, because if anything, Julia Child always looked like she was having a blast. I hope she's not rolling over in her grave right now.

update: i've seen the movie and i was w-w-w-w-rong. meryl streep was wonderful.

Trick-or-Treat!

Can't. Type. Now. In a sugar coma. Mmmmm...candy. Am I a bad mom if I take candy from my kids? I mean they're not babies, right? Only Nancy and Will went trick-or-treating this year, Katie and Andrew stayed home. While it was easier for me, not making or buying costumes and putting makeup on all of them. I realized they are growing up so quick and that was a little depressing, but I helped myself to some of their candy and immediately felt better. Ahh, the power of candy.

If quantity is better than quality during Halloween my kids hit the jackpot. Actually they did good in both departments, I think saw at least 5 full size candy bars in their pillowcases. Wow, I don't remember getting a full size candy bar, ever. The sous chefs won't share the full size ones. They even put their names on the wrappers. Nancy WILL NOT share her Three Musketeers, Will loves Baby Ruths, and Andrew and Katie will sneak candy out of their siblings candy stashes. There's nothing like brotherly and sisterly love. I didn't have to steal from them because they gave me all of their Twix candy bars. It's good to be the mom!

Dinner didn't go as planned, though. I was going to make linguine with cauliflower. A riff on ziti with cauliflower from Mario Batali's Babbo cookbook.The linguine was going to be the Guinea and African Eye Worms, and to further gross out the sous chefs, the cauliflower was going to be brains. I figured the pasta would give them enough energy to do lots of trick-or-treating and maybe fill them up so they wouldn't eat too much candy. This didn't happen. I had ziti, a half of package of fettuccine(definitely not enough to feed 8 people), but no linguine. I also found out we didn't have any bread for sandwiches, either. That's a whole different can of worms, so to speak. I decided to improvise.

"Guess what guys? It's "You're The Chef night."" I told them.

They all hit the kitchen and ransacked the place. Prawns and cocktail sauce, oatmeal, leftover Pompie's casserole, garbanzo beans. They ate it all and destroyed my kitchen in the process. Even an improvised "You're The Chef Night!" goes wrong from me. Don't they realize it is suppose to make one night easy on me. All I am asking for is one night. One lousy night! Forget it, let it go, its Halloween. I hustled them out the door so we could meet up with some friends and all go trick-or-treating together. When we get to their house my friend, Tami, pulls the best trick ever by offering me a drink before we leave and never giving it to me. When we were kids, people who gave out suckey candy or no candy at all got their houses egged or at the very least TP'ed. I think I'm going to go egg her house tonight.