What's For Dinner? Halloween Edition!

Kids:"Hey Mom, What's for dinner?"

Evil Chef Mom:"Well guys, since it's Halloween, I've decided to cook up something extra special for you."

Kids:"Is it something with candy in it?"

ECM:"Oh no. Something better than candy."

Kids:" Tell us, PLEASE tell us!"

ECM:"Guinea Worms and African Eye Worms!"

Kids:"Cool."

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween! Mother Nature decided to get into the Halloween spirit a little early this year and spook all my kids. Everybody duck and cover! Earthquake! It felt like was someone shoved me from behind. We found out on the news it was a 5.6 quake located in the Bay Area. No big deal, right? Wrong! My niece and two littlest sous chefs were a little freaked out. They didn't even want to watch, It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown. Rich pointed out they probably won't want to watch, since they haven't ever felt an earthquake before.

Before the shake 'n bake, we had a great dinner. Turkey, stuffing, and roasted apple, pear, and cranberry sauce. I really need to find a new name for that sauce, it's a mouthful. Get it, mouthful? Ugh, okay it's clumsy, unyielding, awkward anything but mouthful. While the dinner was in the oven, we carved pumpkins. Pumpkin guts, witches hair, and seeds everywhere. Speaking of being scared, no one likes to start cutting their pumpkins. Evil Chef Mom has to do it, but they get even more scared because I bust out my Global Knives. My kids are scared of those knives. Even my sister, Robin, doesn't like them. That adds to the Halloween spirit. Sharp, scary knives, spider webs, jack o' lanterns, and Earthquakes! Happy Halloween, everybody!

Hi, My Name is Krysta and I'm a book-a-holic.

Everybody sing with me! Joy to the world, All the boys and girls, Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea, Joy to you and me! Why am I so excited? Anthony Bourdain's new book comes out today, No Reservations: Around the World on an Empty Stomach. I need to confess two things 1: My name is Krysta and I am a book-a-holic (I am on a 12 step program! I try, but it's not working.) And 2: I love Anthony Bourdain. If I ever met him I would turn into a quivering mass of jell-o. I'd leave my kids and husband for him. No I wouldn't, but you get the point, right?

Every time Bourdain is on TV, my kids yell "Hey Mom, Anthony Bourdain is on!" Now you have to say it in that sing song voice like, "Mom & Tony sitting in a tree..." You know that teasing tone kids get. Try it again. There you go, now you've got it. Yes, even my sous chefs know how bad my little crush is.

"Krysta, why a crush on him?" you ask.

Well, first of all, he's tall. I have always been attracted to tall guys. I'm short, so this reason has to be a procreation thing. Trying to make my offspring tall. Has it worked? So far the two eldest sous chefs are taller than me, but I'm only five feet tall, everybody is taller than me, but I digress. He can write. I mean, the man can write and did I mention he's a chef? He's a chef, too. Smart, likes good music, and seems to be willing to try anything once. All that stuff I just typed sounds like a personal ad on craigslist. It's time for me to step away from the computer before I sound obsessed. I'm not obsessed, really I'm not. Okay I am, but just a little bit. I promise.

Wave bye-bye to that 12 step program! I'm off to my dealer, Barnes & Noble.

What's For Dinner?

Kids:"Hey Mom, What's for dinner?"

Evil Chef Mom:"Fried spider legs and sauteed cow eyes."

BLAH!

Last week is the kind of week I hate. Dinners were good but nothing to blog about. Everyone was so busy that dinners were put on a side burner, so to speak. Sorry about the awful pun. Even the chili I made was blah. I had excuse for making it that way, really I did! We had a couple of the sous chefs friends over and I didn't want the chili so spicy they couldn't eat it. They liked it, I even got a nice compliment of "I look forward to eating at your house." I love this kid, not because of the nice things he says (well that too) but because of the way he speaks. He actually said it that way and not in that Eddie Haskel sort of way, either.

Wednesday is Halloween. I have to find something to cook that will be quick (more time to trick-or- treat and fall into a sugar coma) and of course, good and disgusting! Or I wouldn't be Evil Mom Chef. I have a few ideas that should set the mood and tone for the night. I can't wait.

What's for Dinner?

Kids:"Hey Mom, What's for dinner?"

Evil Chef Mom:"Chicken Water."

Real. Live. Nude. Veggies!!!

Warning: I'm about to go on a Anthony Bourdain style rant, complete with obnoxious language.

Shopping at Target a week or two ago, I went through the book section as I always do and a book caught my eye. "Deceptively Delicious; Simple Secrets To Get Your Kids Eating Good Food" by Jessica Seinfeld. It took all of my might not to throw the book across the aisle and yell "Oh, give me a fucking break!" Just the cover set me off. Her, serving brownies, winking at you, the buyer, and her back is hiding carrots set on a cutting board.

When I got home, I went on Barnes and Nobles website and read the synopsis. While I won't fully quote it here, these are my favorites:

...gets kids to eat their vegetables- without them knowing!(that's their exclamation point)

...stealthily packed with unseen veggies- pureed so kids will never suspect.

...a godsend for all parents who want healthy kids.

So, here's my rant. One of those first rules we teach our kids is "Don't lie.You'll get caught." The words deceptively and secrets in the title are giving you, as a parent, permission to lie. It's okay, we won't tell. Wink Wink. Yet, we tell our kids "don't lie, that's bad!" What's going to happen when your kids find out? I don't think their first reaction is going to be "Wow, Gee Mom, thanks, I really like cauliflower now!" No, what's going to happen is, you're going to serve cauliflower not pureed in the mac and cheese and they will look at you like what the hell is going on.

Kid:"What's THAT?"

Mom:"Honey, that's cauliflower."

Kid:"I don't like it."

Mom:"Of course you do. You eat it all the time. I puree it in your mac and cheese all the time. So, you'll like it cooked like this."

Kid:"No, I won't."

How's that for establishing trust? Five years later, Mom is scratching her head at why Junior still doesn't like cauliflower. Now I won't get into cooking veggies and nutritional values, or telling your kid "Tough shit! Just try the damn thing!" or about showing your kids real. live. nude. veggies! I also won't talk about if you want "healthy kids" maybe limit the sodas and junk food. What really pisses me off is the deceptive, stealthy, without them knowing, premise of the book. We don't like lying politicians and businesses with shady accounting practices. Hell, we get mad about hidden trans fat in our fast food and hidden calories in general, and if you read The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan, you should be pissed off about, of all things, corn!

For the record: Andrew, my 12 year old sous chef, wouldn't eat vegetables for 12 years! I refused to dress them up or hide them. He wasn't or isn't going to die from malnutrition. Now that he's older, his taste buds are growing up and so is he. He's hungry all the time and he's figured out that all most all food is good food. A little patience and stubbornness is needed, not brownie mix.

Thank you. I feel better now.

Hot Dog Wars

Katie, my 15 year old sous chef, is one smart teenager. No, I'm not talking about GPA's or anything like that. She can't lie, she's realized this awhile ago, and therefore always tells the truth. That's probably not true, but just go with me on this. There are two things she has already told me that she will never admit. One, when she registers to vote, she will not tell me or her dad what her party affiliation is. Her dad, Matt, is a Republican and I'm a Democrat, so that's understandable. Two, her favorite hot place.

What?! This makes no sense. In my hometown, we have a couple of good hot dog joints. Matt takes Katie to Dok Shoons. Good hot dogs, I haven't been in a long time, so I can't say much. I take Katie to Dot's Red Hot Chicago Dogs. Now for full disclosure, I was not a big hot dog fan (even as a kid) until I had Dot's Dogs. Holy crap, where have you been my whole life? Poppy seed buns, a great tasting hot dog, mustard, onions, that super green relish, a pickle, and some peppers. What's not to like? Drag it through the garden? You bet! The more stuff on it the better. Maybe that's why I wasn't a big hot dog fan before.

Katie, the diplomat, doesn't want to start a hot dog war. Dok Shoons vs. Dot's Dogs. See, what did I tell you? Smart girl. She has a future in politics and you know what, she'll run as an Independent to spite us all.

What's for Dinner?

Kids:"Hey Mom,what's for dinner?"

Evil Chef Mom:"Baboon butts and pickled porcupine quills."

breakfast for dinner

Breakfast. That's a loaded word in this house. First, sweet or savory? The sous chefs like both. The hubby I'm pretty sure would prefer savory. Me, in the mornings I'm barely functioning for the first hour or so after I wake up, I don't want any breakfast let alone cook it. Second, you want eggs? Ugh. Don't get me wrong I like eggs, but you know the saying that goes something like "the true test of a chef is if he can cook eggs." I can boil, poach, and scramble an egg but for the life of me I cannot fry an egg or make a really good omelet. I told you my chef knowledge and skills are sadly lacking in some departments. Bad Evil Chef Mom! I know if I stood over the stove with a couple dozen eggs I could cook those eggs, but why would I deprive Rich of cooking? Anyways it always tastes better when someone else cooks.

Breakfast for dinner is another story. I love cooking breakfast for dinner. I especially like cooking it when my kids friends are over.

"Hey Mom, what's for dinner?"

"Pancakes." Their friends get this weird look on their faces.

Most of them say," I've never had breakfast for dinner." But then their eyes light up. You can tell they are thinking this is "TOTALLY AWESOME!" and I've now scored some cool mom points.

Last night, we had french toast. Rich was acting as sous chef and making hash browns. We work good as a team and it was really nice cooking with him beside me, even though he stole my pan and spatula, and used my favorite burner on the stove. Ahh, what we do for true love.

French toast was the first thing I ever learned how to cook, I think around the age of 8 or 9. So, I've been making it for awhile. The recipe has kind of changed and adapted depending on whats in the fridge and cupboards. Right now, the recipe has cinnamon swirl bread (no raisins) either from my favorite bakery or Trader Joe's. Half and half, eggs, freshly grated nutmeg, cinnamon, and freshly grated orange rind and some of the juice. I didn't have oranges in the fridge but I did have some orange juice. When I poured the juice into the mixture Rich looked at me like I had just poured bleach into it instead.

"Orange Juice? Why'd you do that for?" he asked.

"That's my not so secret ingredient." I told him, then probably a little too defensively,"I've always made it this way."

For the record; I do not take criticism well, do not like people questioning my cooking skills, and do not like when a dish turns out bad. It can get ugly, quick. I should work on that. I will... I mean, am.

"I didn't know that." He shrugged and finished cooking the hash browns.

Ooops! He just didn't know. I'm an idiot.

Dinner was great. Do you know how I know? Not because no one complained or because eveyone licked their plates clean. It was because my niece Hannah, who eats like a dainty little princess, ate dinner over the next door neighbors house, came home, ate dinner again, and finished it!

What's for Dinner?

Kids:"Hey Mom, what's for dinner?"

Evil Chef Mom:"Snake eyes and gopher guts"

I've Got Mad Math Skills. Sorta.

"Hey Mom, what's for dinner?"

"Food."

"What kind of food?"

"Really good food."

It's like "Who's On First" with Abbott and Costello.

I started thinking how many times I've had this conversation, and it gives me a migraine. I need a PhD in mathematics to figure it out. Four to five times a day, multiply that by 365 days a year, plus how many years I've lived and how many years I hope to live. Oh, and for extra credit, multiply that by how many times that it has been asked around the world. The answer is..."LET'S DRIVE YOUR MOM CRAZY!"

"Hey Mom, Why are you in a ball, in the corner, mumbling to yourself? We're hungry. What's for dinner?"

Canned Radishes!

I try to please. Really I do. When my little sous chefs request something new they want to eat, I'll read food blogs, magazines, and my cookbooks to try and figure out the how-tos of that ingredient. But what normally happens is they tell me, "Hey Mom, you know what sounds good? Canned Radishes. Can you make something with that in it?" I swear a few days later I'll stumble across a recipe with those exact ingredients in it. It happens all the time. Freaky, huh?

"Hey Mom." Everything starts with "hey mom" in my house.

"Hey Mom, my knee hurts again."

"Hey Mom, my 15 page state report is due, TOMORROW!"

"Hey Mom, I need $5.00."

"Hey Mom, You know those beans they put on salads? Not the red ones but the other ones." Nancy asked.

"Garbanzo beans?"

"Yeah. Aren't they also called something else?"

"Chickpeas. You know that hummus we had a while ago? That's chickpeas or garbanzo beans." I said, hoping she didn't ask why they have different names. I know some random facts and odd trivia, but I don't know the chickpea/garbanzo bean name quandary. My culinary knowledge is, obviously, sadly lacking.

"Can you make something with garbanzo beans?"

"Sure." Whew, she didn't ask. I dodged a bullet.

A couple days later, I saw on the Serious Eats website, garbanzo beans! Score! You saute them in some olive oil, with garlic, rosemary, salt, and pepper. Or you can roast them in a 450 degree oven for 30 minutes. The beans come out crunchy on the outside, hot and fluffy on the inside. Total snack food. Addictive. Everyone was pleased, including my Nancy. This time we are going to try making them with some BBQ seasoning. Now only if I can find a recipe for canned radishes....

Heavy Food!

"Dinner was pretty good Mom, I even liked the meat, just not the carrots."Nancy the food critic said, while picking apart her food.

See this is why I had kids, to put me in my place. When I get my hopes up and think everyone is happy, here comes Nancy to save the day. I really should know better. I mean I REALLY should know better.

"Well Nancy, I'm glad you enjoyed the meat. Did you like the potatoes?" Nancy doesn't normally like roasted potatoes.

"I even liked the potatoes."

Everything must be right with the world, right, or did someone replace my daughter with her clone? Maybe she's just growing up? Nah, that answer would be too easy and definitely not any fun. By the way, we had pot roast, roasted potatoes and carrots. We have had alot of potatoes in our house lately. I can't help it, when the weather starts to turn a little bit chilly, watch out! here comes the heavy food, because right after Nancy said she liked the potatoes...

"Hey Mom, guess what?" Katie asked me.

"What Katie?"

"It's winter time. You know what that means? Heavy food!" Katie bubbled. Yes, when Katie speaks, it's normally bubbly. She even had a shirt that said I'm bubbly. God if she wasn't my child she would annoy the hell out of me. She's too damn perky.

A chorus broke out around the table.

"We can have a whole bunch of soups!" Will yelled. I told you all the kid does is yell. It has to be middle child thing or he thinks we are all deaf. Maybe just deaf to him. It's probably all the same thing. Poor Will.

"You want me to make a whole bunch of soups?" I asked.

"Kinda like Top Chef." he said.

"A tasting menu of soups?" I want to be clear on this.

"Yeah. Put them in small bowls and glasses and have a whole bunch of soups for dinner."

Now the evil chef mom in me wants to say okay, I have enough kids to help me prep, it would be fun. But poor Drew, he is the second sous chef and head dish washer, that would suck, because that would be a crap load of dishes. That last sentence right there, that was sympathetic mom. She doesn't come out to often.

"That's a good idea, Will. I'll think about it."

With that idea tabled for now. Katie gets a piece of paper and a pen and proceeds to write down all the meals they want this winter. So far there are 50 meals. There everything from osso buco to Pompie's (Grandpa) casserole. And I know they are forgetting things. Oh well, at least I have a dinner menu for the next 50 nights.

Practically Perfect in every way.

Nancy was right. The soup was good with beans. I'm too tired to even be a little mad or jealous or whatever.

I was visiting one of my favorite web sites, davidlebovitz.com and saw there is a new Vosges chocolate bar out. Mo's Bacon Bar. Applewood smoked bacon, alder smoked salt, and deep milk chocolate. Mmmmm. The first time I saw a Vosges candy bar was at Cost Plus. I was there to get , you know I can't even remember because I was so distracted seeing this candy bar. I'm not a big chocolate fan but this Barcelona Bar I saw was intriguing. Almonds, grey sea salt, and deep milk chocolate. I love chocolate and salt together. You want to charge me $5.99 for a candy bar? Go ahead because I HAVE TO TRY IT! Oh lordy, it was so good and I wasn't at all disappointed. I lied, I was disappointed because I had to share. And you know what, Rich just wolfed his down like it was a Hershey bar. I was offended. I can't think about it right now because... Ugh! Let's get back to the bacon bar before my blood pressure goes up any higher.

"Hey Katie! Guess what Vosges has now? A bacon chocolate candy bar!" I think I yelled this at her. Partly because she was out of the room and partly because I get excited about this kind of stuff. I am such a nerd.

"That's got to be the best candy bar ever." See, she gets it. Or maybe it's she's a big food nerd too, because all the other sous chefs were groaning. They're just kids, we'll forgive them for now. All I know is the sous chefs and that bacon bar, I haven't even tried yet, are practically perfect in every way.

Mmmm...bacon and chocolate.

Go Franklin! Go #17!

Today is going to be a busy day. The oldest sous chef, Katie, has a water polo match today. The matches start at 3:30 and end after JV boys, Varsity Boys, and Varsity Girls play. They normally end around 6ish. Go Franklin!

Yesterday I was a bad mom and we went out. By going out I mean we had fast food. That guy named Jack, he has a really good spicy crispy chicken sandwich. I asked my kids when was the last time we had fast food and they told me baseball season. That means late July, maybe. Okay, I don't feel guilty about feeding my kids something not so great, but I do feel guilty because across the street my brother works for another guy called Carl with the last name Junior. I feel like I'm cheating on my brother. How incestuous!

So... what to cook? It's suppose to rain this afternoon. Do they play water polo in the rain? I guess we will find out. On tonight's menu we are going to have Sweet Potato and Linguica Soup. I got this recipe from Bon Appetit magazine, and I probably would have never had made it except Katie had just mentioned she wanted some sweet potatoes. First of all, what 15 year old wants sweet potatoes? Only my kids want that kind of stuff. Strange, I know. What caught my eye was the linguica. I love linguica, the smell, how spicy it is, how the ends curl up a little bit when cooked, the texture. I heart linguica. The recipe is easy enough, white-skinned potatoes, red-skinned potatoes, onions, garlic, linguica, chicken stock, and at the last minute spinach. I made it the first time and everyone seemed to like it. Katie was happy it had sweet potatoes. Drew (the second sous chef) he ate his.Will, the same. Goat, the littlest sous chef, didn't like the sweet potatoes. You know there is always somebody in a family of six who just has to be the critic at the dinner table.

" Okay Goat, what would you do?" I figure she wants to be my sous chef, lets see what she'll come up with.

"Beans." There is no doubt in her voice. Everything in Goats' world is better with beans.

"That's my girl!" Rich said laughing," A true Mexican!"

This afternoon when Goat and I make this soup, we are going to add some cannellini beans. We will see what happens. I mean I already know what's going to happen, the soup will great and I will be proud of her, but pissed off I didn't think of it first.

Typical.

California chili powder

A little background first. Chilaquiles is a tortilla casserole made with fried corn tortillas, a spicy tomato sauce, and some cheese. Comfort food. Plain and simple and when done right, perfection.

The first time I had chilaquiles I went to Rich's parents for dinner. We weren't married yet and I had only met his parents a couple of times. Now his parents are a trip, take one Mexican man who looks like a cross between Anthony Quinn and Morgan Freeman and a German- American women and you get 2 brownies and 3 whiteys. ( that's their description, not mine!) Translation: 5 kids. Two who are dark and three who are white. Rich falls into the white category. That's why when anybody sees us and sees our surname and then looks at our blond kids, they always look confused. So, I even think the first time I had chilaquiles it was Rich's birthday. I don't remember much except they were good and I asked for the recipe.

"I just use some California chili powder." Mom-in-law tells me.

Well, now I'm just confused, because I've asked for recipes before and I get: do this, add this, do some more of this. Am I stupid? What are the ingredients? What do I do? I think I am a pretty decent home cook but I am not Mexican and it's the first time I've had this dish. A little help here would be wonderful. Especially since my soon-to-be husband likes it so much.

"What else do you do?" I ask.

"That's about it."

I take that answer as that's about all the questioning she's going to put up with. Over the 13 years, Rich and I have been together I have hounded him about this recipe and he tells me the same thing, all I know is she uses California chili powder. I kinda feel like an old episode from Everybody loves Raymond. Mom-in-law learned the recipe from her mom-in-law. From what I understand taught my mom-in-law how to cook. So, why can't she hook me up? I asked her again this summer and even threw in a compliment .

"I had the chilaquiles at El Ranchito and Suzy's and their chilaquiles are not as good as yours. The flavor is too bright. How do you make yours?" I asked, thinking I might get the answer. A little flattery will do the trick.

"I use California chili powder."

Shit! She saw through my wily ways. I received the same answer again. She broke me, after 13 years. I will admit defeat. Kinda.

Awhile ago my husband and I went grocery shopping and down the Hispanic food aisle, there it was. Quite and unassuming, California chili powder. I put a package in the cart.

"What's that for?" Rich asked.

"Chilaquiles." I told him but while giving that look that only married couples can give. That don't fuck with me, I am on a mission look.

"Okay." he said. End of subject.

I've made chilaquiles now a couple times. Rich hasn't told his mom. He won't say whose are better either. Wise man, but it does feel like a dirty little secret between us. Ask me how to make chilaquiles. I will smile at you serenely and say cryptically...

" A little bit of California chili powder."

What's wrong with those kids of mine?

On the menu for last night: roasted chicken, really and I mean really bad for you mashed potatoes, lots of heavy cream and butter, green beans, and roasted apple sauce. Sounds good, no? Since no one cooked on "You're The Chef Night" I got part of the F.F.'s to start peeling the potatoes and apples. First thing I get is;

"Mom, How many potatoes?" in stereo no less.

"Fourteen and eight apples."

"Why so many?" astute question from the third F.F. aka Will.

"Well Bub, that's normally how many I peel for mashed potatoes."

"That's a lot."

"Well you guys eat A LOT."

"No, Dad eats A LOT!"

I can't argue with his logic so I tell him, Goat (the fourth F.F.), and my niece Hannah to get to peeling. So after I am done prepping my roasted chicken, nothing too fancy just some Irish butter, lemons and the zest, salt, pepper, thyme, and some bay leaves, I go to the sink to wash my hands, and Will has blood dripping down his left thumb. He peeled his left thumb! See, I am Evil Chef Mom or maybe just a plain lower case bad mom. Will used my nice sharp ceramic peeler, he's 11, I thought he was man enough to handle it. Oh, who am I kidding, he is. Wanna know why? Because the damn kid didn't cry, or even say boo. He just kept peeling the potatoes, like a good little sous chef. Lets just say that after all the potatoes and apples were peeled they were washed very carefully.

The roasted applesauce was the hit of dinner. I roasted Macintosh apples with some more of that butter, cinnamon, nutmeg, brown sugar, and orange zest at 350 degrees for about 30 minutes. Since it was such the hit, I want to try to make it again with apples, pears, and some cranberries. If that turns out well, guess what one of the side dishes for Thanksgiving will be? Anything will be better than canned cranberry sauce. No one eats it. Why does anyone serve it? What's the meaning of life? You know the tired age old questions of life.

Dinner was great, everyone was happy.

"Hey Mom, thanks for letting us help!" Will yelled, the kid does nothing quietly.

"Yeah, thanks Auntie Ta-Ta." Hannah my lovely niece said. Her and I are like oil and water sometimes, but more on that later.

"Mom, when are you going to make that applesauce thingie again? And can I have the rest for dessert?" Goat asks." And thanks for letting me help."

Jeez, didn't they get this was punishment for not cooking on "You're The Chef Night"? I'm not doing my job right. I can't be called Evil Chef Mom proudly.

Foiled Again!

Thursday is Yoga night for me. No, I'm really not a big health nut or anything, but dealing with the Fearsome Foursome can take a toll on the ol' gal. So,Thursday is "You're The Chef!" night. Now depending on what's in the fridge, how much homework the F.F.'s have, and how much strength they've depleated during their day ( you do know they are superhero brats,right?), they are their own chef. Good luck with that. My sister decided pizza was good and was "The Chef Of The Night". Yes, she ran out and bought pizza! Hallelujah! Namaste! Everyone is happy! I can leave and get centered or whatever. Wait a minute, that can't be right... The pizza was good, but NO ONE COOKED! Ack, Arrgh, Oh Shit! The whole point is.... SOMEONE IS SUPPOSE TO COOK, DAMN IT! Foiled again by the F.F.'s, but today, Evil Chef Mom, is going to get them back with some dastardly deeds! Peeling Potatoes! Ahhahahahahahaha!